1003 - Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
|Short - none|
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
"So, evil wins? Grandpa Borgnine?" - - "That's right! Even your tiny soul is doomed, Billy!"
"This is the Evil Toy Monkey - for Polident®!"
'Hey, the knuckle-curve incantation works!'
"I'm taking the flashlight, and the Whataburger basket. That's all I need!"
God can't help, he's too busy helping Reggie White win football games.
Borgnine's grandson is really bored by now. (Mike doing Borgnine's voice) "He puttered around the kitchen for a while and got himself a cold drink."
I'm gonna end things with Nimue. It's not fair to Zurella.
Clearly, Merlin has brought good into the world.
Come on kid, you're nine, get a real bike
"Anybody there?" Come out or I'll review you!
Remember that kitten, Billy? That was nothing compared to this. At least the kitten went quick, Billy.
Guess I shouldn't have filled the bowl with vodka.
Then the cat's flesh was roasted.
Siddown, you're gonna listen. His flesh melted and his horrible screams...
The rug feels soft on my back and yet one can't help wondering whether extra padding might be called for.
"Hello, Susan." I bet YOU can have a baby.
[Servo]...and Merlin went chapter 11 and the magical trees and troves were liquidated and today he’s an assistant manager at the Limited.
[Crow] See, here’s his problem - He’s going around dressed like THAT asking women “have you seen my little monkey?”...
[Crow] You know, I usually LOVE movies packed with scenes of people vacuuming, but this one is leaving me a little cold, I dunno...
“For gosh sakes Jonathan, just drop it. Leave these kind people alone!”...yeah, otherwise I won’t continue to not have your children!
Bonjour, my friend
The kid's figuring out all the plot holes.
Well, son, if you hold the lid open, we'll bury her at sea.
Well, let's go make *LOVE*, I guess....
Hey, you sell smokes here?
70's house. May I help you?
The verdict is in, and the world was not awaiting a chubby, pompous EUNUCH!
If my reader's responses are any guide, the Crow T Robot era is coming to a close! This poorly conceived disaster is revealed now as a spindly testament to poor taste and nausea.
My second visit to Tom Servo was even a GREATER disappointment! Loud and overpriced, there was a thick oily film covering every surface, and I can only hope I escaped with no serious disease!
He's going to a STAFF meeting!
TWINKLE. *gasp* that's all I can manage.
I wonder who's kid that is...
So that's how you got rid of grandma, huh?
Kiss... my... HEY!
Hah. Now, time to die!
"Oh, hi mom! Where are ya?" I don't know...
"Okay, I'll be right down." Don't come, I'm not worth the trouble.
Ha, ha, ha, ha that's pleasant.
I didn't eat him!
But there are funny cartoons!
you stupid bastard! i could stab you in the eyes right now!
"Chatty Kathy, why you gots to go, baby?"
is there any cheaper vodka than Popov?
Her house is HO scale.
I have my own private fertility clinic in back, baby!
"Oh, come on Grandpa Borgnine! The tree fell right on him!"
Oh, like you have such a GREAT KID! Get over it.
That is particularly funny.
Tonight on "Old Lady Gets Killed"...
Just killing time 'til video games are invented...
It's kinda sunny... He should really wear a slip.
No, Mom, I don't no why they took 'Hazel' off the air...
Which chin should I put my hand on...?
Look at all that stuff! Why doesn't he just wear a foam cowboy hat too?!
Those Altoids are curiously strong!
"Make a wish, dear..."
- I did, but I'm still here!
Then the demon cat's flesh was roasted...
Can I get some mystical help here?
It's on the Oprah List!
I am the Supreme Being! "Clapton!"
No! Merlin sneezed that!
We also make keys!
Did he pay!
Is this the Lifetime Network?!?
Well that just lengthens my beard.
My cheek lines disagree...
I bid you lick me.
If you don't talk to your kids about bedspreads, who will?
You bit yourself? What an idiot!
Oh look, here's that dog I killed.
The ants have been screwing with her like this for years.
That's it, look at the monkey.
I AM who AM the wise guy.
"What can we do for our young friend?" Show me the exit.
My shotgun traps didnt go off, what the hell!?
Movie: My Name is Jonathan Couper...the third. Crow: "Get the Gun."
Heyyy, this looks like the most expensive thing in here.
"It's nothing more than a rock"... Like your womb.
KILLDOZER!... oh no it's a vacuum cleaner
Man, I love Glendale!
Are you wearing clean underwear in the afterlife?
So Billy, by this time a kid had thrown a chicken while an infertile couple had looked at a store.
Great, all I managed to steal was a sock.
My cheek lines disagree.
"No Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me, please!"
"Get out from behind that cushion, Billy. It gets worse."
I'm going to go hit the Mystical Can.
"Uh oh!" I farted!
"Merlin! I LOVE YOU!!" - But not you Debbie! You can't give me a child!
"Oh, and Mr. Cooper..." - You're welcooooome.
I have my own private fertility clinic in back baby.....
The Fudge Stripes factory has been hit!
Here's my gums...
Thomas Johnson here for all your insurance needs in the underworld.
The ugly guy in the movie reviews novelty stores in seedy strip malls and he's FAMOUS!
I talk to myself a lot. Long monologues, complete with sarcasm!
-Tonight on "Old Lady Gets Killed"
-I'm going to go hit the mystical can
-that bastard, he turned me into Ben Franklin!
Maybe I should stop prowling my neighbor's house and go home.
Doesn't he know it's 'dig a pony' and 'shock the monkey'?
"Damn. I singed my Mary Engelbreit calendar."
"Ed from next door came over and got me pregnant, so everything's fine!"
"Somebody put tinfoil in the microwave!"
"It's time for a strongly worded review of my cat Miffy."
"Oh, yeah? What'd that quack have to say?"
"He blamed your wiener."
"It's a gift."
"Have some slightly used dress shields, too!"
"The old man's funk is overpowering me... It's getting stronger. It's like ammonia and White Castles™!"
"So, this is how Madeline Albright makes decisions."
[calling cat] "Biffy, Biffy..." I've got your Fancy Feast served in Waterford crystal with parsley.
Why is she wearing a doggie bed on her head?
Ok. Now we're in hell. Finally happened.
"Then the devil cat grabbed his throat, pulling out bloody strips of sinew and flesh."
He's a retired snow monkey.
I've come down with a sudden case of junta!
And finally, good people, give me all your cookies and I won't have you killed!
First of all, those violating martial law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers!
So, I don't get the Intellivision???
Does he have a sea turtle under his sweater vest?
You are SICK, old man!
You insulting my sperm count?!
Ah, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine.
I have a crack this guy can crawl out of!
What are you doing, Dave?
I love you this much.
Every time a bell rings a devil gets its horns.
I love the selection here at Crap n' Stuff.
I utterly loathe you! Wanna have a baby?
MY GARAGE SALE APPOINTED HOME!!!
"Johnathan, let's just go..." - I'm being a JERK, honey!
If she had a store, I'd crush her...
Allow me to introduce myself... "I'm Bob Jackass!"
I bet she sweats to the oldies.
Brought to you by LSD.
Ugh, too many Segreams Golden Coolers.
"David, never let it know!" You stupid BASTARD! I could stab you in the eyes right NOW, so help me GOD!
"My God, David!" You MORON!
That cat was made from oily rags...
Some chicken and a biscuit would be PERFECT with this!
It's a bread maker, thanks!!!!
Do this and I'll call a legion of beanie babies upon you!
Well... rock & roll martian I guess.
Merlin was a thieving crack-head who fenced VCRs to feed his habit.
I'll give a cookie if you shut up.
"Da-yad! Da-yad!" - 'Dad' has ONE syllable.
Ride, Shadowfax, ride!
"Hi dad." -Moo.
I really should buy my own pictures for these frames.
Thank you for changing me, too.
So this is like any cat.
This is nothing compared to what you cut off me, pal!
Hey Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh no, it's that guy's face.
Is there any cheaper vodka than Popov?
Meow meow safe, meow meow very safe.
Welcome to Knight Burger, what will ye have?
"God help me!" Sorry, Unitarian, according to you I'm in the butterflies and the sun and I'm just a vague benevolent force. You're on your own.
Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
Merlin passed out while filling the tub.
Riff Raff @ home..
My cabinets are flying away!
Saint Merlin- not recognized by the Catholic church
I'll give you a cookie if you shut up
Ha! He made Satan the owner of my soul... I gotta give it to ya Merlin!! Good one!
"Plus the polyps in my colon.." Look, I gotta go!
"I know he resents me for not being able to get pregnant on our own.." WHOA!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
My AMC Pacer is in there!
"Mr. Cooper. . ." -I bid you lick me.
Hit the pavement ya Celtic fairy
Oh good, now she has to raise her horrible husband!
My point is, Billy, that a man dies with a whimper, looking into the face of ultimate darkness.
Ooh, it's Merlin's sex book! Picture of him with Big Daddy Kane...
Oh no, the cat's got a knife too!
"And then," -I shave my eyebrows
Dad is SO going into the cornfield
Well, gotta go drain the me!
Merlin was a thieving crackhead who fenced VCRs to feed his habit
Tonight on 'Old Lady Gets Killed'
Brought to you by LSD.
he got hit on the cheek with a tiny meteor
I wuv you this much
based on a story by Sigmund Freud
y'know Satan could've at least blended the edges of his bald wig a little better.
my sperm's top notch, its her.
the ants have been screwing with her like this for years...
Try the Merlin chop, a half pound of Merlin served with steak fries, vegetable of the day, and whipped dessert.
Okay, let's predict some crap!
Typically in Latin, dumbass language!
Great, a sarcastic baby.
Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!
"Heed my words!" Munch my shorts!
And remember to believe in magic, or I'll kill you.
Making Satan the owner of my soul. I gotta hand it to you Merlin, good one.
That bastard turned me into Benjamin Franklin!!