313 - Earth vs. the Spider
|Short - Speech: Using Your Voice:|
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
Hey, this music wasn't here before!
"The first thing that every speaker should do, is to learn the three basic aims of public speaking."
-Lie, Lie, and Lie!
-...and check your zipper!
"Come on, son." -- I've enlisted you in the Army.
"There's a rubber glove." -- We're gonna make you do dishes.
"Carol-arol! Mike-ike!" -- You didn't clean up your rooms like your mothers asked you to. you to you to you to
"Did that sound hollow or am I crazy?"
Yes and yes.
If it's not one thing, its another in this crazy cave. WOOOOOO
"Maybe an hour, maybe less." -- Maybe longer if I die.
Crow: Well, that was a pivotal scene in the film.
Tom: Yeah... plot point.
Who ordered the hunan beef?
That's surprising with a bunch of nuns working on it.
They're driving in a hot tub!
and a side of dookie links...
Ooh, it's Shame High School.
He died as he lived! With jelly all over his face!
"What was that?"
Oh, some blasted thing.
I got this dynamite from the coyote. I hope it doesn't roll up on me.
"...Attack of the Citizen Kane... ."
(The quality of Crow's presentation is seldom surpassed in today's colleges and universities .)
Ok, you're right, he's dead. Why can't I ever win an argument?
Hey Moe, I'm stuck.
Hello, Charles Schwab. Put everything in DDT.
All you do is bring me down, babe!
Well, that spider's really neat, but there's something interesting on that wall over there!
"Get that DDT in here quick."
PDQ ASAP, you SOB.
"It's hard to believe it was a giant spider. That part's pretty hard to swallow."
I know an old lady who swallowed a spider!
How do they make that link sausage?
Well, they take some pork, and...
"Hey, you got some deputy on your face."
"It's an Aunt Bea convention!"
Lip and tongue action! Whoo! Whoo!
Won't people think I'm peculiar ...? People think that already!
Give it all ya got - more juice!
Thank you, Yukon Cornelius!
You have to be heard, understood and pleasing! Use plenty of lip and tongue action!
Big, sweaty men, working long hours to get the job done - desperately in need of Aqua Velva!
- Wow, it's a soapbox derby racer!
- I bet they had their dad help build it...
Oh, no - not the crane shot! No, no! NOT THE CRANE SHOT! NOOO...!
What kind of sin must a man commit, in a single lifetime...
I gotta go, there's a pep rally on Tralfamador, I wanna get a good seat...
Ehm... Attack pants...
Hey - H.L. Mencken!
"The nuns are working on the phone lines?"
"Not the wrestling trophies!"
"Soup on all fours?!" "What, you think soup is a biped?"
Send down a body bag. Make sure there's room for a bracelet.
Say professor, does this count as a lab?
And may God bless. ---Crow as Red Skelton
I'll just stay out here and bark out belligerent fatassed orders!
Oh hey neat, I just put my foot in a pile of goo that was once your dad's face... Now I know what to do
OK..Bunny Hop Everybody...Let's make this Fun!
Whoops! Slipped on a little of Your Dad there...I'll have to throw My Shoe in the Grave....
Use plenty of Lip and Tongue action.
Ahem....cough cough......welll um......
Well he seemed like a nice guy.
"It's called a bird spider."
Yeah, this one is called a big flippin' bird spider!
We're also working on the curd-less phone.
Alligator bit him, crocogator bit him, that's why he's so mean .
It's the Special Effects siren! Everybody run!
Oh, and I'll need the baby for bait...
Does your dad like bran?
It's a 'Pop'-cicle - get it?
"Who said anything about giving up? We're just gettin' started!" Yeah - we'll give up in a minute...
"People who go in there never come out again!" No, no, that was Injun Joe's cave - remember?
Buddy Ebsen's been here!
That's just a de- A DEAD FATHER?! OH, NOOOOO...
It's an Aunt Bea convention!
And we're working on the curdless phone...
I've just remembered: I've got a candy bar with me! What are YOU gonna have?
Hey, here's an idea, let's break our legs and get hopelessly lost!
"Operator, I've been cut off--" by the bartender more times than you can count!
Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch, look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over!
Wait, aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?
I'm sorry, but I thought it had no texture.
Well I planned that.
Oh yo... well then... nice!
Dad? Daaad? Dad?
'Come into my parlor' said the spider to the titles.
"Every day, somebody loses a sale."
Or an arm.
So I left for frisco with my bug and a pound of high grade weed!
I feel so dirty!
Sounds like my Grandma in the morning!
Hi! I'm George Weston! :P
Snap! Crackle! Check on it!
Yeah, why don't I buy you a new dad?
Well I guess I'm a bachelor again...
The spiders goin to get his mail! That's all he wanted!
Dad seems mad... He's not my real father is he?
Look, it says Arne Saknussem on that wall.
He's got it all wrong: he's the dummy AND the ventriloquist!
"Joe Doakes: He wasn't a very good driver."
"Wait fo' da' beep... Wait fo' da' beep... ♪ ♬ Nobody's home... ♬ Nobody's home..." ♬ ♪
"Oh, the snap's in the front, you dummy!"
"Didn't know they piled it that high."
"Yeah, good thing he was thrown through the windshield!"
"Now, what don't I know my butt from?"
"Hey, Charlotte, it spells out a word!"
"Put out some chips or something. Didn't your mother teach you anything?!"
"She is one hot mama!"
"Don't open beer bottles with your teeth."
"Ah, Garrison Keillor!"
"He's got it all wrong. He's the dummy, and the ventriloquist!"
"Lie, lie, and lie."
"And check your zipper."
Well surely they'll see our car at the entrance!
More rock bands could use conductors.
Wooo! Wooo! Lip and tongue action! Wooo!
So I was sitting by myself and I said SPIDER! Ha!
Send down a body bag, and make sure there's room for a bracelet.
"I wouldn't handle it if I were you. It might have rabies." - Or girl germs!
That dad of mine, he's so thoughtful. And a nightgown too!
Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?
Or else he's on the side of the road, his head caved in like a ripe melon, face down in a pool of his--Hey! What'd I say?!
It's a giant dreadlock! Bob Marley must be here!
Dear Carol: I'm dead. Enjoy!
On the floor, four eyes!
Oops, ah, slipped on a little of your dad there--I'll have to throw my shoe in the grave. Haha!
"The trouble with most of the speakers that we've heard can be traced to one thing..."
I was under da bleachers at da ballgame and, uh, that's when da cop chased me and asked me what I was doin', uh, pretty much...
"You can't go back there now, the place is full of gas."
That was me, I'm sorry.
"I got 8 LEGS I wanna DANCE."
"Look SPIDER, all of us got together and voted you out."
"Hey you guys got a sandwich or something? I'm FAMISHED."
Great effects - he's climbing on a postcard!
I know that theromin's around here somewhere...
It's the Dead Dad cave!
Tom Servo - "Don't trip."
Crow/Joel - "Noonan...Noonan..."
Crow - "I really got stoned last night."
Crow - "Who IS that guy? He stinks like mummy meat?"
Crow - "Sorry I can't give you a ride, but I gotta...thing to...with my doing...and hoh (am)."
(I can't quite make out the last two words/syllables. Sounds like oh am or ho am. Maybe (home?) If anyone knows what its sapossed to be, please post.)
Play with everything you got.
Tom Servo - "Especially the instruments."
Tom Servo - "Hey, where you going with that gun in your hand?"
"This film's a CAPITOL idea."
"Look there's a HAMMER and a SICKLE in that eye, BEWARE." (13:56)
We call the positive pole what?...Lech Walesa.
Uh, Joel... Joel, I've got news for you. KISS were never cool.
did you know... i have little bunnies painted on my knees, i do.
Don't worry, we've had him put down.
The spider is either missing or he's dead.
"This girl is marked by carelessness."
And the devil.
I'm submissive in a 50s kind of way.
"Wanna go for it in the truck, Simpson?" Kinky!
Oh look! The spider stripped the truck for parts!
Oh teacher, no! I'm sorry I talked in class!
Hey, the spider keeps eating the credits!
"Assistant Technical Effects"?! Uh, honey hand me that uh Tonka truck, wouldja?
I'll pants 'em, but I won't brief 'em.
Put some lotion on him or somethin', he looks like hell.
I love it when my food is delivered!
"There's an opening down here!"
-Oh, cool, well fill out an application.
Look for a dry guy in a silk bag, pass it along.
"We saw the sheriff." But did you see the deputy?
It's Carol's Dad Caverns!
"We call the positive pole what?" Lech Wałęsa??
I don't want you to get bad grades just because your dad's worm food.
They all look like they're in "Spy vs Spy" now!
"Batman loves Robin" "Penguin bites" I can't read the rest...
Dial 1-800-BoringBoyfriend. He'd love to talk to you about his uncle from Millwaukee right now!
Get a giant paper towel and squish it!
Their in Michael Jacksons basement.
Ugh ugh! Gorog write screenplay! Uuugh!
What a pathetic loser!
Everybody's afraid of these crane shots!
Better get Bert I. Gordon on the phone & get those crappy special effects ready.
Shame on you Burt I Gordon!
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Danger! Weak plot ahead!
Let me tell ya a little about myself,I drive a truck,I'm butt ugly,and i hate spiders.
I'm putn my money on the spider.
Well here's young George Patton,a patriot and into high grade weed!
PDQ ASAP you SOB!
Help me find my chin!
He died as he lived- with jelly all over his face.
He drops his pants and robs convenience stores...
This man's wearing a push-up bra, now he's pleasing!
"Just put down Jack's the name . . ." - dry's the game
Dr. Airheart noo!!! so THATS what happened to him!!!!
"did you know.." That I have little bunnies painted on my knees
Are you talking to me? Sorry I wasn't listening.
Let's see... Jeff Daniels...Jeff Daniels....not here. We're good!
I'm guessing the film is not about him...
My life is a hollow lie...
And get yourself a good wire rack!
Think about it, won't you? Thank you!
"And third, you must be pleasing." Do I please you?