322 - Master Ninja I
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
So these are Morris dancers gone horribly wrong.
Ooh, indoor/outdoor. This is the best carpet I've ever been thrown out on.
Ah, the character meeting place.
I thought he was going to rip off his mustache!
He was also in The Happy Hoofer Goes to Washington
"I talked to my friend Terri today, she's not your daughter." I kind of figured a sixty year old man with glasses isn't my daughter
I hope she's into big-ass medallions
Stayin' a guy, stayin' a guy!
Don't pad your part, Desi. Come on!
Now you're just being self-indulgent.
His office looks like a Chi-Chi's...
DOWN IN FRONT, OLD MAN!
Uh oh, I just passed wind in my suit. As a matter of honor, I must ask you to give me a moment...
Go on already, get outta here! You got twenty-grand, take her out to dinner.
And now, commence HIKEEBA-ing!
Ninja bow and arrow. Sold separately.
I feel like snorkeling. Pick me up in an hour.
Meanwhile, Timothy's having a 'Nam flashback.
You guys talking about my butt?
It smells like urine and ceder chips in here.
You see, he learned too late, that man is a feeling creature.
Hi, I'm Max Keller. I'm a seagull.
"Come on, Max. You can do it."
If not, can I have your van?
"Don't look down!"
I didn't. I was so relaxed, I nodded off.
C'mon give me 20! One! That's one!...half a one...
The crew is so quick, I'll bet jillions get by us:
Joel: That parkay floor must sting!
Uh...keep talking. I can't remember my lines.
"At the end of the war I found myself in Japan, with a ticket home and no where to go." Why didn't you go home...
Oh, it started falling before he kicked it...
Look, if you lost your quarter, just fill out a form!
I watch her every night. "Hey, that's your business."
"Wait, Sir, you forgot your credit card!"
Haha! Oh, the carnage! Back to you, Bob.
Jackie Chan? He's not even Charlie Chan!
Can you tell I'm sticking my tongue out at you?
MR. CHRISTENSEN! HOIST THE MAIN SAIL!
Which could rip a man's teeth out.
Look, Lee, we made some mistakes. You made some mistakes.
"Not tonight. He's hurt. Artery was severed."
Wow, and he's not even bleeding.
"You alright?!" Yeah, but I'm out twenty bucks. Let's head back to the magic store.
Yeah, and take that wheel out of your back.
"Hi, I'm Max Keller."
"Look Dad! It's your audition reel!" You were really gadding it up.
"I'll have to put a lien on the club."
Oh, what the hey. Tip it over.
It's a good thing he studied with that ninja for those ten minutes.
... and he was that guy, unbelievable he was in every scene of the movie, he was Demi Moore, he was that Gerbil...
Well whoever he is, his nose is whistling.
You know this scene's faithful to the book!
'Who is He?'..."He's The Ugly!"..."No, He's The Bad"
Someone's broken Ape Law!
You're jacking in it Trav!
'You may not touch that!' "Heyy!"
He looks about as much like a Ninja as Irene Ryan! In fact it is Irene Ryan.
Hey! How's Bruce these days?!?
He looks like one of Henson's Rats!
Whoa! You're a mess! Were you at Prince's House?!?
and I don't want anybody strapping anyone's hands across anyone's engine's!
Mrs Ironside - in COLOR!
Those who can't ninja - teach!
Hey, you don't suppose that guy was supposed to be THAT guy...?
Ya mind if we don't talk for the rest of the trip?
Not designed as a real sword. Only a toy. Darn!
Clarance the cross eyed ninja...
COME ON TAKE MY HAND
I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR HAND
I wanna get... physical... physica*starts sobbing*
Wah! She's been shot!
Do you find me pleasing?
The tranquility of post-war Japan??
He looks about as much like a ninja as Irene Ryan... in fact it is Irene Ryan...
Holly: "Just don't stop."
"So what have you got under this hood?"
*cuts to Henry* "Six more of those suckers going like hell."
Who says a coma can't be delicious?
A box of depends why thank you!
It will make you feel better...if you put it in the right place
Duh could you give me a lift to the gas station?
We turn here at David Hasslehoff blvd
Good thing he studied with that ninja for those ten minutes
Let's go. That Jack Perkins guy really scares me!
Now, this movie is CLU-less!
Hey, you don't suppose that guy was that guy...AND Queen Latifah!
Yeah, sure, that's Van Cleef. He can barely hoist himself into the van.
Let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
Jack Perkins?!? No!!!
He's going for his ninja merit badge.
What kind of skull wax do you use?
I hear his theme music. He must be around here somewhere.
PJ Truffleberry's! Try the Fentoozler!
Hagar Action Slacks!
Gym socks!? Noooooooooooooooooo!
Damn, he knows Doug Henning!
Well, it is a good way to blend into San Francisco, dressed like a mime.
Oh, Lee, don't worry, she's used to it. The Kennedy's come here a lot.
Kids, what was that?
His office looks like a Chi Chi's!
Hey! Bring me those nachos!
"Do you always carry an arsenal around with you everywhere you go?"
Do you always carry a hamster?
Oh ...Master Ninja. I hate that show.
I'm not a real ninja, but I play one on TV.
"Boy, that parquet floor must really sting!"
"Uh-oh. Seven years' bad acting."
"Hey, it's time for the bouncer to get into his Spandex leotard!"
"We're bald and we're bonding!"
♪ ♬ "It's the TV... Car Chase... Theme! HA! Boogie!" ♬ ♪
"Filmed in Mendocino County, Illinois."
"Hey, where d'ya' get those dash-mounted gerbil cages?"
"Look, I'm getting on that plane, and... where I'm going I can't be with me... Or..."
"Tonight on Bravo, Martha Graham's new dance company!"
"Oh, Cripes! It's those turtles! They moved next door! Now I'll never get any sleep!"
Are you padding out the film? Cut it out!
"Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"
It's the people under the stairs.
"If you kiss me, Van Patton, I'll kill you!"
"You're traveling in it, Jack"
"You're jackin' in it, Trav"
(This almost cased me to drown in my tea! I'm surprised nobody posted it before me)
Max: "What else you got in that suitcase?"
Joel: "It's a Woozle named Peanut!"
Me: "HOLY CRAP a Jeff Dunham referance!"
Ladies and gentlemen: Lee Van Cleef!
you can throw your star, at the man who drives the car
Hey, what happened to Demi Moore? This is getting weird.
"FUSION JAZZ is for all cultures."
"So, where's a good place to stay around here?"
-Shallow grave... train tracks are nice.
Well, here's a surprise - you're already cancelled!
He's talkin to the sound man lyin' on the floor.
"I can't! I can't!" We know! We know!
Geez, doesn't YOUR dad have an airport?
Oh! Those IUDs are dangerous!
What, did Lee Harvey Oswald shoot this footage?
You know, these Robert Bly weekends are getting more & more intense.
Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get beat up in this place?
Everybody's gonna know he's a ninja if they keep playing that theme every time he comes in somewhere...
I tought I thaw a gwade B actwor! I did! I did! It'th Lee Van Cweef!
A wand'ring ninja I...
Now I want a Peanut Butter Parfait.
Man: I've been hearing about him down at the truck stop.
Joel: It's a ninja truck stop.
Wow, he got paid to kiss Demi Moore!!! Most people have.
Whoa, you're a mess. Were you at Prince's house?
We'd like to buy her wheel chair
onscreen ninja thug: "You're a dancer, dance !"
Crow : "You're an actor, act !"
I'm Max Keller! "I'm a seagull!"
Maybe he can take the Ninja Equivalency test, and get his...
I gotta go to the little ninja's room
Good thing I lost my peripheral vision in the war
Well whoever he is- his nose is whistling...
"Okay okay knock it off, you're getting obnoxious with it now!"
Now this is somewhat similar to the first episo... umm, I mean the first part of the movie.
There go the financials for December.
Meanwhile, in the other incomprehensible plot ...
"You're traveling in it jack."
"You're jackin' in it trav."
Timothy Van Patten. Master of the non-sequitur voice over.
hey...I bought that chair and you're gonna use it!
"Oh, it's a ventriloquist pistol!" "Say hello to the people, Remmington!"
Here's Katherine Hepburn gassing up her plane.
Say what you will, that Claude Akins has a nice rump...
The battle of the turtlenecks.
"We need a little more to bargain with." We'll send them "Pink Lady and Jeff".
Yeah, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Timothy van Patten: The Legends.
"Meanwhile, the Master was getting us into more trouble." Snapping off car antennas in the parking lot.
Wait, who's theme music is that?
"Anyway, I'm a cantankerous old man, who lived alon for a lot of years." And I'm going to learn the true meaning of Christmas.
Henry, Portrait of a Serial Gerbil.
Special guest appearence by the car from "Stranded in Space.
"...the only occidental American ever to become..." Miss Japan.
"Stick around, this should be fun!" Not with Claude Akins in it.
Oscar's back, and he's Wilde as ever!
"It's got a ring to it." Yeah, and so does a bath tub.
She cries at the opening of a bank!
Clarence, the Cross-Eyed Ninja
Here's Katharine Hepburn gassing up her plane.
I'm going for the trees if you keep talking old man!
This has all the continuity of a fever dream.
"I guess you can't respect what you don't understand."
"I don't respect why this movie was made."
Well you shouldn't be calling her a gimp now, dick-weed.
"I've got a bad feeling about that knick-knack shelf..."
MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!