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416 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space



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154 laughs

Comments (70) Best Riffs (218)

Pitch Meeting Theater: Fire Maidens
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(With thanks/apologies to Alex C, who started it in Sidehackers.)

"Have I got a movie for you!"
"Yeah? Tell me about it."
"A bunch of astronauts land on a planet filled with women in short skirts."
"Okay, I like it. So what happens? "
"What do you mean?"
"They land on the planet, and...?"
"There are women there. And they're wearing short skirts."
"And...?"
"And they're real lonely because the only man there is their father."
"Wait, is this Pirates of Penzance?"
"Penzance? What's that?"
"Never mind. So what happens?"
"Happens? The women are lonely. So... Uh... They capture two of the men. "
"Wait, is this pornography?"
"No, no. Of course not."
"It's sounding a lot like one of those letters in Penthouse Magazine."
"I, uhm, have, er, no idea what that is. Is it a magazine about nice apartments?"
"Right, sure. Why are there only women on this planet?"
"The plot doesn't work otherwise."
"Silly me. So, fine. They capture two of the men. What about the others?"
"They have to wait outside."
"Outside what? "
"Uhm, Atlantis."
"Atlantis?! I thought you said this was in outer space."
"It is! This is the remains of a colony. The people of Atlantis knew the place was sinking, so they moved to one of the moons of Jupiter."
"They what? Fine, whatever. They're on one of the moons of... Wait, I thought it was a planet."
"What's the difference?"
"Never mind. So why do the other men have to wait outside?"
"You said you didn't want it to be a porno. We've got to show something else."
"..."
"Anyway, it builds tension, see? Because they don't know what's going on inside!"
"Ah, yes. Of course! So they attempt a daring rescue?"
"Huh? No, they just sit around, fretting."
"Uh-huh. Anything else?"
"Uhm, and... uh... There's this monster! A big, scary one! Bulletproof and everything!"
"A monster? Now you're talking! What does it do? "
"It, uh, lurks in the bushes and kind of follows people around."
"And then?"
"Well, it lurks some more. Builds tension, see?"
"Uh-huh. So how does it end?"
"Oh, uh... Let me see... The monster breaks in!"
"Action! At last! Does it terrorize them? Is there a fight?"
"No, no! What, you want to give the audience heart attacks?"
"Heart attacks? What..? "
"My uncle Lou is going to be in the audience. He wouldn't miss it! And he's got a very weak ticker. A fight scene would kill him! You want to kill my uncle Lou, is that it?"
"No. Uh, of course not. Perish the thought. What was I thinking? Okay, then, what happens with the monster?"
"Oh, they trip it and throw it in a fire. You can't see it, of course. Uncle Lou would never survive."
"What happens to the old man?"
"What old man?"
"The father."
"He dies."
"Does the monster get him?"
"What? No! What's wrong with you? He dies peacefully, in his sleep, after drinking too much wine, surrounded by beautiful women. Just like uncle Lou would want."
"So what you're telling me is that two guys get captured by a bunch of women, and nothing happens."
"Pretty much. Isn't that what I said in the first place?"
"Why would I want to make that into a movie?"
"Did I mention the women are wearing short skirts?"
"How short are we talking?"
"Very! You can see their knees!"
"Sold!"


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DJburris87 - about 1 month ago

Love how Frank checks his pockets for the giant pen during the invention exchange.


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Gratuitous Lurking - 3 months ago

A moving so utterly brainless and boring that the SoL had to put a horror spoof in the middle of it just to make it bearable...


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Snuffy Wuffykiss - 5 months ago

Timmy made this movie watchable.


2 laughs

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Kelly Slane - 5 months ago

I think Joel said his super gadget "controls the teNperature" ~ which I just noticed! LMAO at the subtle call back if I heard it right!


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Fuscia Qstudios - 6 months ago

This episode blew my mind when it premiered during the Turkey Day marathon. I wrote some great fan fiction based on the whole Timmy angle. Ah, yes.


1 laugh

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Gregg Hammerquist - 8 months ago

Anyone else sorta feel Hestia is the bad guy of the film?
She's out of the compound despite later saying it's impossible to leave. Why was she out? Her father doesn't mention sending her. Was she out to try and intercept the astronauts or make a deal with the monster (thinking she could manipulate him like he apparently does Prassus)?
She's apparently got Prassus so wrapped around her finger he marries her off first even though it should be the dark-haired chick.
She basically molests the one guy (he was so drugged he passed out and she still was all over him, he even tried to push her off at first; no consent).
As soon as she finds a bigger man on campus, she drugs Prassus, talks up how evil he is and then makes off with them.
Finally, after getting all her competition out of the way she leaves for Earth where she will likely play up her role as royalty to marry some King or something.


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Mitchell - 10 months ago

Holy Mother Of Pearl- was this film financed by the tobacco industry?


Scary….very scary...
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Mitchell - 10 months ago

Their "Creature" looks like a beatnik in a turtleneck who had a giant bubble gum bubble pop all over his face.


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Mitchell - 10 months ago

Xcited to have a Great Garloo riff. That was my all time favorite Christmas present from my (long ago) childhood.


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Mitchell - 10 months ago

I just love when these films have dialog like "We haven't heard anything since their last message." Yup! That pretty much defines a 'last message'!


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Mitchell - 10 months ago

The Riff That Should Have Been!
"Where's Larson?"
He's busy writing The Far Side.


2 laughs

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"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
Not "J13" or "Jupiter XIII" or for that matter "Leda", but
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
"The thirteenth moon of Jupiter".
They even padded the naaaa-aaammeeee😧😭


burned into my memory
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Cynthia Hicks - over 1 year ago

Cy Roth had to pad the film just to get to the parts that had more padding!!


1 laugh

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Roe Walker - over 1 year ago

Soooooooooooo....The Atlanteans had enough advanced technology to move their entire population to a moon of Jupiter. And yet.....THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT ONLY THEIR ISLAND WAS SINKING?? D: What, were their scientists too busy smoking to tell everyone that they only had to relocate to another place on Earth, which could easily be done since they had incredible amounts of technology?


1 laugh

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G Strathmore - over 1 year ago

London Cemetary AND Observatory?


1 laugh

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Victoria Mayer - over 1 year ago

@28:32 gets me EVERY. TIME.


5 laughs

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C. Joseph Osborn - almost 2 years ago

I've just had a wise idea: Phillip Morris should fund NASA on condition that all the astronauts chain-smoke. Then the Marlboro man could be a cowboy AND an astronaut. . . If he wasn't dead, I mean.


7 laughs

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This whole movie is a weird male fantasy.


1 laugh

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Dr. Despicable - almost 2 years ago

What's up with all the It's a Wonderful Life riffs? It even makes it's way into the mads' invention exchange!


A 50's thang?
2 laughs

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Sean Barry - about 2 years ago

How many episodes so far have featured Atlantians in the movie? I mean really, why the obsession with Atlantis?


7 laughs

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Sean Barry - about 2 years ago

Jupiter sure looks a lot like Ohio...


1 laugh

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Todd Appel - about 2 years ago

This was a tweener for me...and that made it uncomfortable to watch but had great layups and riffs...you could tell by the theme of the boring sets...loved this one...stranger in paradise was the thorn in the rose...kind of like a tractor pull...


2 laughs

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Ray Garraty - about 2 years ago

I guess the director wasn't familiar with the term "cut"


3 laughs

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Dear Creative Team of "Fire Maidens of Outer Space",

Long, silent shots do not automatically equate to tension and/or suspense.

Sincerely,
The Audience


Daytime Astronomy
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Donald Petkus - about 2 years ago

I'm no astronomer but shouldn't Anthony Dexter wait for nightfall before trying to observe Jupiter's moons


Tom Servo on a Spit
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Sabrina Domingues - about 2 years ago

"Joel if you don't mind, I'm cooking here...I'm beginning to smell delicious." Love that line.


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happyking - about 2 years ago

These guys are so boring they had to go to the thirteenth moon of Jupiter on the off chance that it was inhabited solely by women in order to find girlfriends.


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Teri Gee - over 2 years ago

"We wracked Frank's brain for this week's invention, but nothing doing."
And Frank's brain looks wracked. :)


3 laughs

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E B - over 2 years ago

"Four Dullards of the Apocalypse!" In my opinion, this may be Tom Servo's best line, at least of the episodes I have seen. I swear before Odin, if being boring were an Olympic sport, every one of these guys could be on the national team.


6 laughs

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Bruce Ellsworth Reed - over 2 years ago

After all that drinking, don'tcha wonder where the bathrooms are? I do, but I am weird.


1 laugh

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Joseph Ewing - over 2 years ago

Whenever I watch this episode, I remember it's the episodes with Timmy. That was such a lame concept, especially when he is in the theater. The entire section with Timmy irritating Servo is ruined.


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Morgan Zindzi T - over 2 years ago

Holy mole! I didn't notice Timmy had entered the theater til 5 minutes after.
~~~chilling~~~


1 laugh

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Elisa Farrington - over 2 years ago

The Dark Spectre that was Timmy! Movie gets interesting at 54:00 when Timmy enters stage right only to disappear at commercial sign. But then, slowly rising up from a seat...Timmy is back... silent as the grave he watches and waits, hiding each time Servo tells Joel that he is there. So funny but also creepy, I couldn't believe it when at 1:06:50 his mouth ominously opens as he leans towards Servo and, sure enough, he bites him! Best 15 minutes of this episode.


2 laughs

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Teri Gee - over 2 years ago

I think that they should have used one of those 50s scream shots as the stinger instead of the glass being tossed. They were much more entertaining.


1 laugh

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Joseph Ewing - over 2 years ago

I love Trace but he always screwed up half of his lines as Crow.


1 laugh

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Mike Carmona - over 2 years ago

Timmy just wanted love. LOVE!


1 laugh

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Gregg Hammerquist - over 2 years ago

What's the sacrificial dance music from? I know most of the music is from Prince Igor, but if so, what track?


1 laugh

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Gregg Hammerquist - over 2 years ago

What's the "Maya Koumani, my darling!" comment from? It's a song, but what's the song?


6 laughs

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Ray Garraty - almost 3 years ago

At 1:23:00 when the monster falls into the fire you can see the mattress he falls onto, look to the left of the altar thing.


7 laughs

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Ray Garraty - almost 3 years ago

This might be the worst movie score of all time. The musical selection is completely mismatched to the non-action.


5 laughs

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Alex C. - almost 3 years ago

"Cy Roth had to pad the film just to get to the parts that had more padding." Seriously, this movie hurts.


2 laughs

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1 final thing... another Joel flub, cracks me up. During the confrontation of Timmy & Tom when Joel finally acknowledges Timmy in the theatre, he calls him Tommy! LOL!!! Timmy, Tommy...same thing.


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@ 53:12- I could NOT stop laughing as Servo says, the table moves! Paranormal movie??! BaaAAhhh HaaAAAHAAaa! That was a weird thing 2 do, have it connected 2 the door?! --The hell?


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@1:13:05 These guys all have wedgies!


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@ ~27:10 Crow's freak out is hilarious!


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@25:40, siren like noise trills Joel: Awe, listen! They're getting pulled over! ;OD


5 laughs

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@22:54 HeeeEE HEE! Crow gets away with saying shit, yup. He really does. He didn't say the "house" part, boy were the censors sleeping.


3 laughs

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The evil TIMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved this one! So glad I refound!


8 laughs

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Fredrick Stafford - about 3 years ago

Carton of Chesterfields? Check. Aluminum ladder? Check. Alright let’s go to the 13th moon of Jupiter.


2 laughs

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Stereo Catz - about 3 years ago

Oh God of Sun... can we even SEE the sun from Jupiter?


4 laughs

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Stereo Catz - about 3 years ago

The crew returns to their rocket only to find that someone has stolen their ladder.


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Stereo Catz - about 3 years ago

Every since I saw the 'Making of' show on Sci-Fi years ago I've been searching for Timmy.


5 laughs

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Phil Carstens - about 3 years ago

Man, the script for this movie must have been 5 pages long.


6 laughs

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Just wondering... am I the only one here who, during the sacrifice liturgical dance scene, finds himself joining in when Joel and the Bots start singing, "pad, pad, pad the film..."


12 laughs

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Austin Strong - about 3 years ago

EVERY time I watch this episode I forget about Timmy creepily sneaking into the theater, only to see him sitting there and I FREAK out. Timmy, you scary.


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William Puncheon - over 3 years ago

Pretty cool the Fire Maidens of Atlantis discovered 5 hour energy. Learn something new in every experiment.


4 laughs

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Kimono Dragon - over 3 years ago

So Cy Roth believes that men's facial hair doesn't grow in space, huh? They were on Moon 13 for at least a week, and not even a little stubble.


10 laughs

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Kimono Dragon - over 3 years ago

Tell me Servo didn't say, "Maybe they're Ellen Jamesians"! A call-back to "The World According to Garp". How exquisitely obscure! "Bitten off in a Buick? I had mine surgically removed!"


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RevJoan - over 3 years ago

"Monkey shines AND lying, Crow?
I think I know someone who needs a time out..."


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@11:50 "It's probable, but highly doubtful" -- you missed a trick here guys!!


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Robert Ferguson - over 3 years ago

One of MST's finest hours


14 laughs

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Mark Eddleman - over 3 years ago

So I was thinking, wouldn't Magic Voice just be able to tell them that Timmy was evil when he attacked Cambot? Then I thought to myself, its just a show, I really should relax.


4 laughs

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Chris Bennett - over 3 years ago

...Right, so I guess they padded the film so much that there was no room for any explanation of what happened to the astronauts after they drank those roofies


10 laughs

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I really love the host segments in this one, the whole "dark spectre" version of Crow thing.

Something I never knew before was that along with spare versions and spare parts for Crow and Servo, the Toolmaster had also made a set of matte black-on-black versions for use in the theater, so that they would chroma-key silhouette properly against the blue screen. I never knew this until I saw a foto in the Episode Guide of Murphy, Trace and Nelson seated in the theater set preparing to get down to some riffing.

I love how they repurposed the black-on-black theater version of Crow to play the part of Crow's "dark spectre" duplicate, "Timmy". Nice stand-in puppet work by the Toolmaster, there, too.


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El Carto - almost 4 years ago

Frontdoor parking at the (realistic) London Airport......


7 laughs

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D'aahh, jeezus... how many of these damn' movies use the same old White Sands captured V-2 test launch footage? That's frickin' sad, man.

Oh, and stop me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the same meteor shower that they used in "12 To The Moon"? Maa-aaan, this is getting worse by the minute.

...d'ohh, man, and check out THIS crap! That's from "King Dinosaur"! Seriously, man -- the landing footage is TOTALLY "King Dinosaur"! Cheap bastards. B'wahh ha ha ha hah!


2 laughs

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Aaron Kuehmichel - almost 4 years ago

I really don't get the continual 'Pina Munda' reference. Can anyone shed some light on it for me?


12 laughs

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Alex Stefanic - almost 4 years ago

I wish they had made a "Revenge of Timmy" episode.


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Frankie DeMario - about 4 years ago

Jupiter! America's dairyland!