521 - Santa Claus
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
*folks are soaked with water* Montgomery, Alabama. 1955
Hey, I got a dine and dash on table seven
Well they're not too poor to afford an insurance calendar I see.
"Santa is not afraid of that dog!" Is that right??
Huh huh, I'm just glad it's not Marmaduke!
"Uh oh! A pair of scissors!" Don't run with them now!
Sneak in here and they'll never, uh, have any idea that I was ever-AGH!!
HO HO, I-RIE, MAN, I-RIE; something special in that stocking!
Alright, Christmas is going to Mexico for spring break!
what is this, home alone 3: the quickening???
I guess they're fully committed to jingling "all the way."
That Lucifer is like Satan!!.....From HELL!!
Hey, a van Gogh fan!
All right! Hold it, Kringle! We've got the place surrounded! Come out with your bag up! Your reindeer have turned themselves in!
Call me Ishmael.
I was born in the house my father built.
The minute Yosarian...
[maniacal reindeer laughter]
And this is what happens when you let Kraftwerk design your reindeer.
...This isn't charming at all! It's Creepy!
Diarrhea is like a storm raging outside your house.
Our love's implied. Goodbye. Maybe we can do this again sometime; you seem like a nice kid.
They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
Oh, no, this is wrong somehow!
Crow: Would you shut the bloody organ grinder up!
Servo: Probably French…
Santa's tenacious jolliness is tested when he's treed by a coon-hound.
Santa's mounting up procedures don't make for good cinema.
Santa lives in a world of denial.
HEY KRINGLE, SNAP OUT OF IT!
Now this is good old fashioned nightmare fuel!
This is the really new country!
Out, vile jelly!
This isn't charming at all; it's creepy.
[Santa looking in his toy bag] Well, lets see...oversize tomato, stock options from Sharper Image, lug nuts, cable ace award - eh, thats no good - spark plugs...
Isn’t kidnapping Santa a federal offense? I think so...
So where is Mrs. Claus? Oh, she winters in Lauderdale
This weird enough for you folks? How does this make you feel about Santa?
Aw, nothing in the lobster trap today.
It's just that I haven't been well lately. I haven't had a good BM in a...
He's got a Stephen King manuscript in that bag.
Now, Pedro, did I tell you to summon demons?
You can't be in our club, Satan!
"And since we are very much in love..."
"...we're going to have the Nachos Magnificos."
"Your movie this week is "Santa Claus. It's a thoughtful, well shot documentary on the Crimean War."
"IT'S A STUPID MEXICAN KIDS MOVIE!"
"Next week, Jesus and the Oak Ridge Boys."
"Wind-up reindeer are fiercely loyal to their masters."
"Santa burns like a tire fire!"
"Santa is a lifetime member of the NRA."
"A pentagram and reindeer laughing. You figure it out."
"I better get on the horn with God since Satan's involved..."
"That Lucifer is like Satan, FROM HELL!"
Satan, honey, no. Don't ever do that again.
This is weird theology...
you know what Santa? it's about 4 A.M., you better get a rush on
Shouldn't Santa have a bench warrant to install these things?
I think David Byrne stole this music.
Oh! I could see his ribs! Ick!!!
"That Lucifer is like Satan-From HELL!"
Why don't they look...?
This time, I'm putting my patent leather shoe down...
I was born in the house my father built,...
Cable pays off in SO many ways...
- You figure, after an eternity of this, they'd be better.
- Maybe they're over-practiced...
Kid, that's not how you play a rifle!
I heard this film was taken away from Ken Smith, and re-edited by Santa, himself!
Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There's no escaping the "Klaus" organization.
Brass Monkeys, Frank....Bass Monkeys... ~ Dr. F
Suddenly Santa corkscrews into Ypsilanti, Michigan!
But Santa oppresses the proletariat!
Will you shut the bloody organ grinder up?
It's an oscillating fan with an ear attached to it. Period.
Take it home, Lupita.
Let's go bowling.
Oh, sorry. I'm the narrator. I shouldn't get so involved.
Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
Heat up the death ray!
Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
Ho Ho Ho Ho, Stayin' Alive. Stayin Alive.
Santa flew 23 missions over North Korea.
Joe Don Baker IS Santa Claus!
Is it really a good idea to jingle ALL the way?
Time for a Mai Tai!
"They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers, the roots, birds, even smoke and alcohol!" And they eat at Hardee's!
Best one: "Forgot France. Oh well!"
"It looks like the puppet version of 'My Dinner With Andre.'"
"How many Christmases have you done, kid?"
"But Santa oppresses the pro-le-tariat."
"Talented children from the Orient!" "...Are not here today."
"When you awaken.. " ... you'll be Rick Wakeman.
Just you practice your Piano if you need love
'The old "I could've been a dancer story"
'What am, I alone in here? HELLO?!'
'Get it down in the mornin' now!'
"I think I found the girl!" "Yeah, he really zeroed in on her!"
"I don't think he's just a waiter." "He's the night manager too."
Oh, Santa has the power to reverse film.
There's something special in that stocking!
"If his beard was white when you were a small child, he'd be dead and buried by now." Aw, you always know the right thing to say.
ah Santa I need some stuff! Just a Taste! Come on Maaan....
Nooo! A Strolling Gallagher!
"The Movement is disintegrating."
"He's a young Barton Fink."
♫ ♭ "The Devil is a wiener..." ♭ ♫
"Did he say, 'Blessed are the cheesemakers?'"
"Uh, I have no idea what my emotions are supposed to be."
"It was nice of Marcel Duchamp to let them use his apartment."
"Society owes me!"
"And now, the hollow feeling that follows any puppet show."
"Children from the USA..."
"...Are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa! Ha ha! There, that makes it better!"
"Okay, great. You've offended everyone now."
"I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last murder!"
(as the Japanese children sing)
...If seasonal holiday depression has a soundtrack, this is it.
The Pleasure Mouth!
♫ I love him, I love him. And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow... ♫
A dame?? Spread out, kid!
How many Christmases you done, kid?
Look at that, the roof's leaking! I thought I spackled that.
Hah! This year I gave everyone Yahtzee.
Mike: Why does he have an Air Force star above his door?
Servo: Well Santa flew 23 missions over North Korea
Cop Killa! Co-Co-Co-Co-Cop Killa!
Don't you EVER to that again!
"...an atomic laboratory, a machine gun" Oh, it's from Gaddafi!
The Devil has got a really weird scene going on down here ...
WOULD YOU SHUT THE BLOODY ORGAN GRINDER UP ...
"Let's start a Chinese restaurant?" Ok...
... the HECK was THAT?!?
Do I have tinnitus or does anyone else hear that?
Hey, hey - they're the same kids from the other countries!! They'll be playing the Egyptians next...
It's a free-trade Christmas!
Fritz Reiner leads the Chicago Symphony in the Sparkling Dance of Pitch. It's fantastic.
I love Ron Reagan Jr.! Huh!
I'm positively evil
Just a little more Tide and the napalm is ready.
Hey Kringle! Snap out of it!
So is this Neo-Realism?
Servo! What is with you and the French?
"I sat at the bar all night Christmas Eve, and not even one job offer!"
"So, he's gonna try to breed the dog?"
"Yeah, that's great, but Santa's pep-talks don't pay the rent. How about a little pay hike, big man?"
Hey! Could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
Ted Danson's Comedy School
Uh-oh, Santa got drunk and delivered all the presents to the moon again!
Oh no! A SCUD is going to nail Santa!
Put the doll down, honey. Just back away from it very slowly.
Hey that's not a doll. That's a sister.
*This* guy trained the king of England?
This is definitely a major embarrassment for Santa and a significant setback for his campaign.
Santa lives in a world of denial.
Santa should check that exhaust system.
Well, three houses down, 650,000,000 to go.
Why is our waiter stripping, honey?
Hermann Goering? Oh no! Santa!
I enjoy inflicting pain.
Santa's a lifetime member of the NRA.
Oh I saw his ribs! Ick!
He enjoys pantaloons more than he should.
"Look out, Santa! They'll see you!" Heh heh. Well that's the last thing they'll ever see.
Wow, he's really haulin' ass.
Manure dust overtakes the sleigh!
"While Santa steers his sleigh towards Earth..." Disaster awaits.
Why did they leave me so heavily medicated? Were my parents just here? If I could just get some movement in my legs.
Well Santa, I guess all us three year olds will fend for ourselves. Don't worry about us.
When Santa laughs the whole world shakes its head.
Why that's filthy! No! No I can't bring you that! No!
Oh geez, I need a database!
I'm more popular than Jesus!
I'm telling you, Pappy; these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time.
"But the most important thing is that you bring me a little brother..." Or people wi-will die.
"Mama. Mama." I had a 'Nam dream!
This kid should be a lawyer.
"I wonder if our child is dreaming." Well actually we enter several dream stages during a typical night, REM, then there's the uh...oh...
Honey, Santa's looking in at our daughter again.
It's your NEW MOM!
Wow, Santa's got the dirt on everybody.
The devil's really chewing up the scenery here, huh?
She is aggressively cute.
Santa's army of walking corpses!
Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's tryin' to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Hey, children on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Action Jesus! Manger sold separately.
Santa Claus vs. The Aztec Mummy!
Crow: Hey, wait; this is a fascist Santa Claus.
Tom: Well at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
Increasingly paranoid, Santa's obsession with security begins to hinder everyday operations!
Whoa, now this is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel!
"I don't think [Santa] likes me. He has never brought me any dollies." -He's just jealous.
"Too old??? The devil is very many centuries older than I am." -But the devil works out...
I would love a linen lampshade.
Did I say I'm Pat and I'll be your waiter, yet?
Booze helps parents care for their children!
Santa: Pick it up, kids, I'm feelin frisky!
Do you think it's really a good idea to jingle ALL the way?
Every year we gotta sing the fruity send-off song! No wonder the elves quit!
HoOOO! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
By investing in his toy-making corporation, they now own him lock, stock and barrel.
Hefty hefty hefty, wimpy wimpy wimpy!
Darn, this is the Finklestien's house.
Santa I need some stuff Man, just a taste, come on Man.
Our love is implied, bye.
Oh damn, I had the speaker on!
Well, that's not strictly true either but eh...
That is a MOUTH isn't it?
And Satan scores.
"Boys and girls from England..." Have rotten teeth.
I'm ordering a Hawaiian pizza from Satan.
His name is Tim. He asked if I could marry him. Hehe!
Ho Ho Ho Ho stayin' alive stayin' alive
You know, if seasonal holiday depression has a soundtrack, this is it.
Well. Apparently they ARE committed to jingling all the way.
Why don't you bring us the Nachos Magnifico!
Tuck and roll, Kringle, tuck and roll!
I'm O.D.ed on whimsy right now.
Bone in my hair, I'm from Detroit!!
Tuck and roll, Kringle!
Jm J Bullock is more frightening than that devil.
Well, he was here alright. This is definitely Santa scat.
This isn't charming at all- it's creepy!!
Dear Santa, I am an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex...
Well, at least he made the sleighs run on time...
Okay, if I join your ranks would you stop dancing like that?
"I, Lucifer, King of Hades, command you to stop and disappear!" I'm trying to sleep here!
We've got dolls! It's "The Trilogy of Terror" dolls!
We're gonna burn, burn, burn those calories off.
"...The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye!" - The Pleasure Mouth!
Santa makes them sing sixteen hours a day for $2.00 an hour!
So Mike, is this St. Cloud?
"Mr. Pitch has decided to steal Santa's sleigh!" "Good thing Santa uses the Club!"
"The only thing this child wants-" "Is fear itself!"
That Lucifer is like Satan... FROM HELL!
Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
"Mama! Mama!" - We must rise against the bourgeoisie!
-I'm going to Disneyworld!
-All references to Disneyworld are property of the Disney corporation.
Is this "Home Alone 3: The Quickening"?
What is this, home alone 3 - the quickening?
Ho ho ho, there's a dollar in every one, my chain letter scam worked!
"Why, it contains what a child loves best!" A maitre'd.
Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There's no hiding from the C.L.A.U.S. organisation!
-They found a demon puppet! They found Chuky!
-Relax, it's just Keith Magnuson.
"The countries of Central America." Are a threath to Santa's vital interests.
"The Islands of the Caribbean." Had nothing to do with this movie.
Bertolucci is brought in to direct this scene.
Booze helps parents care for their children!
Joe Don Baker IS Santa Claus!
In the name of Santa, Merlin and... the elves- Amen.
I'm here to eat candy canes and kick ass, AND I'M ALL OUT OF CANDY CANES!
Honey? Does this crowbar look okay here?
You know after an eternity of doing this dance, you'd think they'd be better at it...
A dame!? Spread out kids!
Santa's laughter mocks the poor.
-do ya think it's really a good idea to jingle ALL the way?
Hey, could we move on to a country with some RHYTHM?!?!!
Does the devil lose his flavor on the bedpost overnight?
It's the devils theme, his goofy little song, even though he's the embodiment evil, he's still got a goofy song. In his tights he brings death, despair, destruction and disease, now let's all join him, and laugh along *Devil!*
a pentagram, and reindeer laughing, you do the math
oh, its from Quadaffi!
I'm Positively evil~!
Pure nightmare fuel.
Like whatcha see kid?
Oh, I suppose *hell* got an NEA grant.
Way to defeat Satan, honey.
30 years, 25 Bucks? and I shaved MY HEAD FOR YOU?! My hair, my beautiful head of TV's Frank hair!
"Dear Santa, please bring me a little brother." O HO HO can do! HO HO can do!
HEHEEHEEHAHAAHAHEHE Oh What's Happening?!
Nice aria, Santa.