603 - The Dead Talk Back
|Short - The Selling Wizard:|
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
A trick I learned from the Apaches.
Murder by implication.
Dial M for... Mundane.
Nope. Doesn't ring a bell....must be the wrong movie.
To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the etherium, the empyrean or the Emerald Beyond, please hold.
The answer has been held since noon today in a hermetically-sealed jar on Funk and Wagnell's porch.
Funk and Wagnell. (Yes.)
A mayonnaise jar. (Yes, thank you.)
The loneliness of the long distance dweeb
"Never could perfect an electronic tube powerful enough, to reach the high vibrations necessary"
To be in The Cramps
"Never could perfect an electronic tube, powerful enough to reach the high vibrations, necessary to be"
In The Cramps
Ah, this room is even more dreary.
“And now wizard, can we see how forced-air automatic defrost makes this the most advanced, open-top automatic salesman ever made”...Are they allowed to show that?
"All my years on the force... I don't think I've seen a more vicious murder..." God, I love my job!
No talking in line.
...because of that you can never be a world class dancer.
You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.
Why thank you, the dead.
Oh, the dead is so thoughtful.
He's in a metaphysical snit, isn't he.
Direct from the laundry room!
"THREE glass front merchandising cabinets to fit your individual needs."
What if I need love?
Pizza Dominatrix??? now i love pizza even more...
the first movie filmed entirely with flashlights.
Ooh, artsy, fartsy!
I'm having a reaction!
Stalking is hard when you don't have a car.
We could use a flashback, remember this is a Motion Picture.
This freezer RULES!
I want it now! Where do I sign? NAME YOUR PRICE!
Just one glance. Don't look back!
Hey, who goosed me!
I'll have to take you back to my place for some more questioning.
This day just keeps getting better.
Thirty days in the cooler!
"She's done nothing to deserve this."
Evidence shows she did.
Even when you're dead you annoy people, huh.
Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Plenty of Lip and Tongue Action (and a lovely shout out to a previous much loved short)
Crow muttering while the German guy is being interrogated: "Monkey-eyed Kraut packer."
Will you look at that. All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month.
Oh, the dead will want a sandwich!
All the suspects moved into my house.
It doubles as a toll booth!
"Fine. Let's go."
Are you married?
Forget the ice cream. I'll be right back!
"To sell high volume for high profit..."
For high people.
"Who? Tell us, who? Who?" Who put the bam in the shama lama ding dong?
"AAARGH!!" "Sorry Steve!"
I know, I'll smoke face down on my polyester sheets.
Is someone purring?
Well...I guess that's it for this interrogation.
"You ever been arrested?"
'If a light were to be suddenly turned on, they could go into a coma'. - But since they're dead, that doesn't matter.
The devil is my brother-in-law, knock it off!
"Get off of cloud 7!" Uh, cloud 9, sir...
"It's hard for him to make friends, I think..."
"The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights."
"And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream!"
Is the meal ever over for you?
Let's see.. 14 minutes to live... I wonder if that's enough time to get a pizza?
Ah! He's a shapeshifter!
It's hard for hm to make friends I think.
Hey, you got your tongue in my mouth!
You got your mouth in my tongue!
*the boys sing the Mission Impossible theme*
*makes the noise of a bomb ticking then exploding*
"Now i understand, I might have iced her myself"
2 months ago we were wearing shorts, can you believe it?
Wait... is this Susan's baby shower?
Huh, the film seems to have taken a decidedly Jarmuschian turn.
You know...the murder's not gonna be that suspenseful when it happens.
Maybe I should take a shower before I die.
"...the so called dead..." (??!!)
Put a sock in it, Red Adair.
You, the ice cream manufacturer. --narrator
Up against the wall! Spread 'em! --Crow
"Criminology is my hobby..."
I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet.
Arnold Stang - fugitive!
She's flooding the radio!
You can't look away, can you!
Is that frozen cotton?
"...my Jerry hair!"
Ja. You betcha.
Little picture of a horse I drew, sir...didn't get the tail right...
Round up all the usual bongo suspects!
I eat biscuits.
I did see him trip as he ran away. Do I get a meal?
"Please understand..." "I'm a magic man."
"...I'm no medium." "I'm a petite."
"Y'know I was talking to the manager a while ago and..." He seems real nice.
They probably blew their budget on those bongos. ...I just said a lot of Bs.
"Say, Lieutenant..." You play bass?
"They're taking a whole crew down to Catalina... Models, electricians, photographers..." Pipefitters... snake handlers... teppanyaki chefs... (Mike laughs)
"It was at this point that our case took a strange turn." All the suspects moved into my house.
(loosens necktie) Lemme give my throat more room to pack it away...
"It not only pinned that girl to the wall..." It made julienne fries.
Bummer... do you like meatballs?
Mmm, so, the water cooler is conveniently located at his desk?
*THUNK* AAAAaahghhkkkkg... "Sorry, Steve!"
"In all my years on the force, I don't think I've seen a more vicious murder..." God, I love my job.
A Child's Introduction to Jazz!
"Well... I had a date..." (officers snort and chuckle)
They could have taken the reflector out of the shot, don't ya think?
"NOW they show this one when I've already bought the other one!""
“But I don’t kill nobody!” Unless they really deserve it.
Hmm, think I’d better get some light bulbs.
“The problem of communicating with the departed…” Is they’re dead.
“There’s a long, complicated explanation to that question.” Which he’ll be happy to give us.
But I need a stove!
Over three kinds of vanilla!
I'm too hip to concentrate! Like, man...
"Yeahhhh that was Interrogation in D...all riiiight...."
Krasker recommends Zenith products!
Mom said we can't.
Toot toot toot toot.
"The girl was pretty young...wasn't she, Kreuger."
Kreuger, Luger, booger!
Arrest him for the accent!
"Oh it's true. It can be done." My mom said so.
"Here's an interesting gadget..." My winkie.
I wanna see more freezers! Waaa, whimper...
Oh, that's mine; that's more 'me'.
That changes everything! Now i want THIS one!
To sell in high volume for high profit, frozen products are impulse items."
I'll take it! I'll take it!
Uh, actors?...We're rolling!
Meanwhile the Soviets were launching Sputnik .
Benny's "Not So Great" sandwiches is around the corner!
This balance of power keeps ice cream in check
"My philosophy?" Lots of leather...
With thirty-four cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood.
Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film!
Don't rot away, Renee!
Renee now had 39.5 minutes to live. She now had 39 minutes to live. She now had 38.75 minutes to live. She now had 38 minutes to live. Renee now had somewhere between 35 and 37 minutes left to live.
I wanna see more freezers!
"What was the charge?" - A crossbow killing....But I had nothing to do with this one!
"I didn't give it much thought at the time." - The crossbow seemed perfectly natural!
"It was hard to tell. He had on a big coat.." - And no pants that I can remember!
"Impulse buying is primarily..." - Women's fault!
"If there was any indication of impending death, Rene Caldwell apparently was not aware of it." How could she be so stupid?
"I'm a police lieutenant in charge of reconstruction of the evening's events, and finding her murderer." I probably should have told you that earlier... I admit it.
"Her father died when she was seven." Boo-Hoo
"The time was now 8:45 pm. She had 45 minutes more..." til Roseanne.
so, even when you're dead you can annoy people, huh?
Is somebody purring??
The selling revolution will not be televised!!
"The Loneliness of the Long Distance Dweeb."
"Well... I'm goin' home for lunch."
"Spooner, Wisconsin would never be the same."
"Dial M for Mundane."
"Complete History of Transistors? Oh, I'm in for the evening!"
"It was a bitter affair that ended briefly."
"Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik."
"Hey, let's see some bottom-loading! Whoa!"
"Gentlemen, if you please..!"
"You filthy DEGENERATES!"
"...Manufacturers spend millions on package design!"
"And yet THIS is the result!"
Can we get back to our bleak, meaningless lives?
"What do you mean, release Patini?" ...Get him... Let him go. Oh. Thought it was something like that.
Uh, I'm going to have to take you to my house for further questioning.
Yeah, she wants me pretty much.
You WHAT?? Calling from a phone booth? Stop that!
Dress for movement!
I don't think I'll ever get callous to murder. Now where's the stiff?
And then the MOON came out, and it was like Jerry willed it!
Oh fine, smoking is bad and there's no other side. Real open-minded, Mike.
I had a story in Highlights!!
And my wife, came downstairs, her face was SPLIT.
"Hey my gum is loosin' it's flavor here."
"ZERO to SIXTY in about an HOUR."
"And the police immediately STROLL to the scene."
"Well gotta go get killed, I'm late...........Death waits for no one."
Adolf Hitler is, Knight Rider.
So, big deal... My stools float.
...meanwhile the Russians were launching Sputnik.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to tell you..." Mike: I'm made of liverwurst!
[We used to hunt together] He'd hunt me, and then I'd hunt him... It was a good system.
I hate it when weird guys have Mary Kay parties!
Now I'd like to ask Francis the talking mule a few questions...
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?
Friar Tuck's been fingered!
"And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?" Bosoms!
"Work it Frank. Sizzle it!"
And creepy AAA is there.
I'd ask them to leave but...they'd think I was racist!
"I'm not a medium." - I'm a petite!
"My halter top!" "He's always hogging the bathroom."
"I'm sorry I ate all my band candy."
"Snouts and knuckles"
"I think his hair is bermuda grass."
But don't put your tongue on it !
WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM!?!?!?!
"I guess you men see this every day." Actually, it has been a while since the last crossbow murder.
"Three glass front merchandising cabinets, to fit your individual needs." What if I need love?
Y'know not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.
The pizza dominatrix!
"Lieutenant?" Kiss me--hard.
"Anything?" - No, still can't go sir.
"A metaphysician doesn't believe you're dead when you die." So he's not much help at an accident scene.
So.. big deal.. MY stools float.
I know... I'll smoke face down in my polyester sheets
NC-17... '50's Style!
"a method known as telekeenis" ... or telekinesis.
We've been married for 25 years, at least let me get to second base!
Tonight's episode: The Dead Go Fishing, with special guest star Robert Culp...
And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser Ice Cream! HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This balance of power keeps ice cream in check!
I started sharpening a curtain rod- and everything just snowballed...
"Now Renee has been on the other side for just a short time" -so she's probably still unpacking.
"It's rather difficult to explain" -but remember, I know more than you do.
"Henry I've known you a long time" -and not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.
"Be quiet will ya?" -Pass the Dutch loaf!
And the police immediately stroll to the scene.
The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights.
they caught her in a tryst with Alistor Crowley
so? big deal, my stools float.
What? Invisible army? I don't see any, come along!
Cause it's a RAZORBLADE IN THE GLASS!
"Me?" You? "Who am I?" Frankly I've forgotten.
Certain actors own their roles. Aldo Farnese IS Mr. Krasker.
The Pizza Dominatrix!
Fine. Fine. Everyone pick on the devil.
I just had to step outside for a fresh of breath air...
God, I love water...I love it too much...