621 - The Beast of Yucca Flats
|Short - Money Talks!, Progress Island USA|
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
Son, you're in deep to Mother and me
'There's no place like a Bank... There's no place like a Bank...'
'Take that budget of yours, Dad'
and shove it.
Real actual dialogue.
Wait, don't tell me. Tor Johnson. You old son of a so-and-so.
(Nathan Thurm voice) I never said that. It's so funny you would think I said that. I never said that.
(Russian accent) So, you hear that new Yacov Smirnoff album?
This part doesn't need any narration. It stands on its own.
(Tick-tick-tick-tick) Crow: I'm Mike Wallace.
Mike: I'm Morley Saffer.
Tom: I'm Ed Bradley.
The music of John Philip Salsa.
(Latka voice) Tank you, very much.
You talkin' to me?
There's no place like a bank. There's no place like a bank.
(to a Franklin 50 cent piece) He was the best president we ever had.
(To a Franklin 50 cent piece) Wanna go to the dance?
(Title on screen Money Talks) -- and talks and talks. I can't get a word in edge wise.
Tell me about that last shot of the rabbits, George.
They never shoulda let Tor improv.
I'm a lunch lady at heart.
THAT is why the closeup was invented.
Jeez, a phrenologist would have a field day with Tor's skull.
When Judy Garland died, it destroyed Puerto Rico's economy
Can you borrow me a dollar?
slowly, Tor decays into his base elements
they're gonna find a whole baby deer inside him
It's the KGB Mr. Benny!
It is more suspenseful when you don't know what's going on?!?
Why do they call this flat?
I get the yucca part.
"Mind if we bother you for a minute?"
As long as I don't have to speak on camera.
Those Donner people seemed very nice...
“Young Joe Dobson, desert patrolman.“...Lover of fine wines
Boy, another great car approaching scene...
“Dedicated his life to the betterment of mankind”...AND girl kind
"Joseph Javorsky, melted scientist.”...Melted scientist?
Look, just come here!
OK, Breasts !! We get it !!
He's your problem; you're Dead !
That bush is trying to get their attention!
He always does a few pushups before turning in.
Is this guy piloting with his FEET?
The beast!! Ahhh!!! ...Oh...
That must be the Yucca FLAT! Hahaha!
Oh! There he is... sorry.
Okay, car, DRAW... ... oh...
You know, I thought they didn't look like Yucca Flatians!
Here, Gilligan plays a set!
"Where the Atlantic meets the Caribbean." And they really hit it off!
Bob is anal.
"Did you ever hear of a budget, William?" Uh, that's a fish, right?
"50 Cents." In those days that would buy you a car!
He was probably guilty of something!
He disguised himself as a tumbleweed!
I'm poor but clean, downtrodden but proud.
Kind of a girly thing to say, Joe.
If you're gonna stand on her shoulder, we're not gonna be able to pick her up, are we!
Do you think that Coleman Francis had a casting couch?
I think he had a casting cot.
Okay! We'll move there!
With THIS, THIS and THAT!
Mr. Franklin looks like he's nearing the end of his third trimester.
Trademark Coleman Francis butt shot
Coleman Francis solves the problem of sound sync
A man murdered. A woman's purse... A thin plot, endlessly restated.
A wealth of historic grandeur and beauty... does not exist here. Modern hospitals... are not here. Luxury hotels... are desperately needed. Progress can be seen everywhere... in places other than this. The fortress of San Felipe del Morro... is to be avoided at all times.
"A man runs. Somebody shoots at him."
Sorry. That's all we got. That's our movie.
My constant droning.
They're going to split him open and crawl inside to stay warm.
"Art, get back!" Oh, false alarm, it's not Mom.
I must pose for my Dust Bowl portrait.
Oh, feels kinda good. Weird, but good.
"Always on the prowl..." For the ladies.
I think he got lost on his way to the drugstore.
Check their oil, Lassie.
A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered.
"The mild tropical climate encourages many forms of agriculture."
Here are some moo-cows.
Worrying about the kids helps keep intimacy at bay.
"Progress Island, USA."
Oh. When did they change the name?
"Uh, mister?" Can I have another doggie chew?
He's trying things in this movie he later perfected in Red Zone Cuba!
Coleman Francis..the Cinematic Poet of parking.
He's either a ruthless agent or Schemer from Shining Time Station?
It is more suspenseful when you don't know what's going on!
Haven't really caught the wave of this movie yet?
Even his head has a beer belly!
Marlon Brando arrives for the Larry King Interview!
~Never be your Beast of Yucca Flats~
Avon Testing Grounds?!?
Tor Johnson as the Beast...that's just smart casting!
Abbott & Costello meet The Beast of Yucca Flats!
The Cindy Williams Murders!
'Today!' "We call it Cheaplaborville!"
Are we starting over?!?
So drink Rum constantly!
Should I worry about the dead cows lyin' next to the pond?
This is not my beautiful gulch...!
Cooole-maaan Fraaan-ciiiis... Cooole-maaan Fraaan-ciiiis... Cooole-maaan Fraaan-ciiiis...
A very nice prairie dog taught me about being a woman...
But you looked at pigs - and there's a tire... You've had LOTS of fun!
Kid's gotta sell all three copies, by noon...
Well, if you stand on her shoulder, we're not gonna be able to pick her up, now, ARE we?!
Think, dammit, think - must get a car! ...Oh.
NOW, HOW DID HE GET IN THE BACK?!
Oh, it's a divining gun!
Odds are, she's eatin' ramen noodles, tonight...
We're going to the ear wax museum.
There was no such thing as clinical depression until this movie was made.
Coleman Francis actually had a staff for this movie!
Oh, it was HER who was ticking!
I'd be depressed were it not for my roooooom.
Strawberries, marshmallows, tin foil and fudge and some dingle balls hanging from trees!
Here come the hard sell.
"Man's inhumanity to man" .... Or beast's inhubeastity to beast!
We don't know what this is folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff!
Joe.. Joe! Joe?? What are you doing to that rock?!? Joe, do not do that!!
July 12th - Tor establishes Base Camp at the foot of Mt. Shasta.
Now, the bunny EATS Tor and it becomes Night of the Lepus.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself.
"Randy? Are we lost?"
You can't keep things from kids.
No! Don't shoot the DAD of Yucca Flats!
"We never get to have any fun."
But you looked at pigs and there's a tire!
"Touch a button, things happen."
♪♫ A desert horse... no name.... a na na na, duh duh...♪♫ (sing-a-long with Tor).
Avon Testing Ground? Rabbits with little shaved butts?
I'M HAVING A FREAK-OUT UP TO TEN YEARS LATER!!!
Ok, let's get funky now!
I'm Cherokee Jack!
"These men are also from behind the Iron Curtain." Pay no attention to them.
Time for go to ground transportation!
C'mon boy, jump on my stomach.
STAY ALIVE WHATEVER OCCUR TOR FIND.
Actual dialogue in this movie!
You know, these two do make a crack rescue team.
"Vacation time. Folks travel north, south, east, west."
"Some folks burrow straight down."
"So. . . Anyway. . . You can see how all this adds up to a movie."
"She's not that heavy, but she's shaped kinda awkward."
"Disappointing turnout for REO Speedwagon at Alpine Valley."
"They're driving through a Wisconsin petting zoo!"
"Shabbily-furnished room action like you've never seen it before!"
"So you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs..."
"Ah! Fun times at Guantanamo!"
"...With wah-wah pedals playing constantly."
"But it was too late. William filed Chapter 11."
"Each week he went down to the bank..."
"And robbed it."
"Could you have your slave press my suit?"
"Promoting dullardism throughout this great land of ours."
To the moon, Alice!
"...ask questions later." Ask Christian Slater?
Whoa, I thought somebody killed me there for a second.
He looks like a lawn jockey!
This is not good for my groin injury... oww!
They've got it all wrong. It's kill da briefcase and get Divorski.
Tor want to make it with you.
She was in a Bergman film where she played "Low Self-Esteem."
"That's a pretty girly thing to say, Joe."
That's a hard face. That's a face that challenges you.
Here we're flying in another trumpet section.
Tor is posing for a Rubens painting.
Hmm, Helter Skelter. Very Nice.
"I don't get it..." Ah, the appeal of Adam Sandler!
Why? Why can't I get a baked potato before 5 in this town?!
OK, you chase me for awhile!
I knew then I had to blow up the school.
This film stops at nothing... and stays there...
Father MacKenzie. Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.
"Do not ever let it become too rigid. If you do, you'll become a prisoner to it." HEY!
This has been one bleak, weird day.
What is he; a beast or my meshuggeneh grandpa?
They must have dropped their bowl of Cream of Wheat on his head and it hardened.
Well, we're in Wisconsin now. Or maybe it's Cuba... or Nevada. Whatever.
Well, I suppose I'll just sit here and wait for Death to come take me.
The fifth grade production of "Of Mice and Men."
Whoa! They're gonna have to dig him out of the crack of Butt Mountain.
It's Nickelodeon's "Waiting For Godot".
Unstoppable PARKING ACTION!
I thought ShrubWorld would be more fun.
Gee, the first McDonald's playlands weren't that good.
"Jim, shoot first, ask questions later." But they're just little boys who wandered off!
A sudden attack of drunkenness sets in!
It's Tetnus Park!
I think this is the single hardest item on the scavenger hunt!
This is one tough par five!
Tor snaps into action!
"A man choked to death. A woman's purse. And footprints on the wasteland." His limericks aren't very good.
I'm still trying to figure out that flag on the moon thing.
Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.
I call I'm dead!
Let me tuck you in. You've had a hard day of dying.
Odds are she's eating Ramen noodles tonight.
"Puerto Rico's greatest natural resource is her people." Come exploit her people.
"Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here and its export is vital to the economy." So drink rum constantly.
"Hibiscus and Bougainvillea flourish throughout the year." As do Puppencoolidploopie and Flingulladieullflingooduah.
Spinal injuries are popular on the island as well.
"With sunshine 360 days a year, Puerto Rico offers something for everyone." Like flights OUT.
Look, just come here!
"Year round sun makes this island a vacation paradise." And very hard to sleep!
Benjamin Franklin was tried in the 8th circuit court on stalking charges. In a minute, the results of that trial.
Son, you're in deep to mother and me.
William! What are you doing in there! You're not talking to the founding fathers again are you!
"Until one day he had enough to buy the car he wanted." But then he crashed the car and died.
Listen, you little toad!
"That's not because you're a poor earner, William. It's because you're a poor spender." And a bad person.
"Why am I always broke?" Maybe it's my crack habit.
Produced by imps!
Come up here, where it's really obscene.
Watch out for snakes!
There was no such thing as clinical depression until this film was made.
Get off my lawn! You credits!
Bob had a goal.....and two assists!
Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
"Bilingual schools." Bisexual students!
"Take that budget of yours..." and shove it!
Dead people have too much time on their hands.
Could you get your stomach off my desk, please?
Harcourt Fenton Mudd, you dirty rotten thing-ing-ing-ing...
Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were dying?
♫Woke up, ♪got out of bed, ♪dragged a comb across my head…♫
Why must I be a young Christopher Walken?
That's a hard face. That's a face that challenges you.
Okay! BREASTS! We get it!
"Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers." What the, huh?
Yes, even the air supports airplanes just as it does in the not-better United States.
I'm not thpeaking to you.
Nuclear test site sure is well-guarded...
What are they staring at? Have they seen Christ?
Here are some moo-cows.
"The streets of old San Juan, once the cornerstone of Spain's Caribbean empire"
... Now the site of numerous muggings.
That was my darkest vision yet!
It was a dark and boring night...
Now, back away slowly from the crotch...
"What money?" - Don't smart mouth me, boy.
Are we starting over?
I'm glad Tor didn't cocoon her with his massive spinnerets.
She's an attractive man...
He's trying things in this movie he later perfected in Red Zone Cuba.
I love how deeply Tony Cardoza gets into his character.
Yeah, he goes in there and he just sits.
Uh-oh, this darned gun! Just a sec, people. ... Just don't shoot while I'm reloading; that wouldn't be fair.
This feels kinda good! Weird, but good...
Coleman Francis: the cinematic poet of parking!
These are all just random sentences, folks.
The Dingos' took mah bay bee.
The killers' in Memphis marrying his 12 year old cousin.
Oh............ that's what that button does.
Apparently I'm dead !
Oh, and kill your parents. Bye.
Ooh, he's had his chest excavated!
"Benjamin Franklin, eh?" Bite me, Franklin!
Get off my land, you credits.
A century ago!
"Over here, son" -directly in front of you.
-kinda a girly thing to say, Joe..
It is more suspenseful when you don't know what's going on.
Tor Johnson as The Beast; That's just smart casting...
He's got the world's largest area!
Just as Jim closes in for the kill, so does Mutual Of Omaha close in for the kill...
Wow! We can pee ANYWHERE!
The Beast put a hundred down, and bought an old Studebaker...
Now would be a good time for some phrases. A woman's purse... a man murdered... flag on the moon... I'll be back later.
I'm sorry, I meant "two feet to nowhere"... what was I thinking?
It's ilke being abducted by Montana!
Oh, "flag on the moon", too, by the way...!
Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were dying?
What the hell... it's got a Nash front and a VW back...!
Fine... I'll just put off breakfast to investigate your little murder!
How do you decide when to turn on your lights in a Coleman Francis movie?
Never use yourself to block your tires.
You can see why Georgia O'Keefe loved this part of the country.
Tor went bobbing for rubber cement again!
Coleman Francis had a dark, muddy vision... with cars!
Vacationing at "The Most Dangerous Game" dude ranch.
Well, here's your problem-- you're dead!
On behalf of all girls, none of us are going to the dance with you.
The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife... but please, use a spoon!
This could be vacation footage, for all we know!
Tor could've been contender, instead bum, which am!
Y'know, this place is probably nicer than Javorsky's place in Moscow!
You know, Tor was originally offered the role of the Mom in this film...
I've been handed a rewrite... it's no longer "progress", it's now "justice"...
Shoot the film first... ask questions later!
"Bit of a rip-off?"
"Coleman steals from only the best!"
What, have they got a spider monkey holding the camera?
Well, we have Mom's looks and Dad's intelligence... we should be able to deal with this!
Well, on the good side, this is time away from Mrs. Potato Head!
This movie stops at nothing -- and STAYS THERE!
It was daring of Coleman to change the theme from parking to walking...
night on butt mountain
There was no such thing as clinical depression before this film was made.
"An American democracy. . ." - Would be really great.
How'd she give us the slip, she's dead!
Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?