706 - Laserblast
|Short - none|
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.
"Hello, Grand Rapids! Are you ready to ROCK AND ROLL?!"
J.D. Power & Associates rated these two 'Most Loathsome' in their class!
"Yeeaap. What do we got? Another citizen who isn't READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAAALL!"
You know, I should tell you about my ass, gas, or grass policy.
If you could taste what I hear.
"It's pretty waxy in there today, Billy."
Oh, great. Now, a tire fired has started just off camera.
Wow, she makes Laraine Newman look Rubenesque!
I bet the heater's stuck on full blast, too.
"Tonight, on COPS." "Y'know, I saw a COPS once where they pulled this skinny guy out from under a couch." "No...."
Just let me DEEZEN by ya!
Yeah! I think you are going to detail my van for $75!
Now you're gettin' horny, great.
So this is how Roddy McDowall died?
But he's not dead.
Please, sir, we've seen Laserblast.
This is how advanced the aliens are. They can edit the scene down!
Just because that mine went off in your helmet...
"I got this invitation to go to Acapulco."
Well, that bounced off his head.
(Joe Cocker voice) 🎶 What would you do if I sang out a tune..." 🎶
Wow! A Daisy Red Ryder repeating rifle! Thanks, Dad!
Did you ever notice how Hali Salasi is God?
Could Leonard Maltin be wrong and this isn't worth 2 1/2 stars?
Today Only! Aliens golf free!
Wow! He's being out-acted by a drain pipe.
Well..they needed to remodel anyway.
Remember when he was over there? That was the good part of the movie.
Is this movie one of those based on a Jane Austen novel?
I wet myself today. Wanna see?
I hope he's pointing it at his heart.
Just when I was considering not commiting suicide, it was finally comin together for me.
I'm not Adam Roarke!!!
Um... Are you my mother?
The president stops at The Westward Ho.
Wet myself today. Wanna see?
Must not react.
"We're running out of time."
What about the rights of that little girl?
The key to the Amaco bathroom!
As Dr. Casaba Melon.
Anna Nicole Smith and her husband.
Ron Howard pops the clutch, signals, checks both ways, and proceeds gently into traffic politely inviting people to eat his dust!
Don't ever make fun of my ass again!
Now, WHY did they call this movie Laserblast?
There's just a sign that says 'Star Wars'?
You know, Mike, this film was run through a highly technical process called 'tension extraction' before it was released to theaters.
I'm gonna make that kid button his shirt if it's the last thing I do!
LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK OVER THERE OVER THERE OVER THERE LOOK
These cars always look like they have angry faces!
Wow. He's being out-acted by a drain pipe.
He insists on bringing his leaf blower everywhere!
"Want a drink?" How 'bout some fabric softener?
Well, I gotta get back to my regiment.
Who's the well-lit person in back, there?
He's got a creamy center!
I figured out this kind of shirt. No complicated buttons to deal with!
"What's this?" I think it's my sterman? Is that right?
Hey! His van's got a poop catcher on the back!
These plains were once filled with wild broccoli like this.
I was getting into my ape role and I threw some crap around.
There's a point where it stops being a movie-- this is just like watching an aquarium!
Did we need to come to Angkor Wat just to have a picnic?
Man, if those pants blow it's gonna be like a piano exploding!
Ojai. Crap. I'm still in Ojai.
They're so excited they can barely talk to each other.
Well, I've come to where the flavor is, but nothing's happening.
By the way, we seemed to be involved in laserblasting now.
Do the apes know that they're filming in the FORBIDDEN ZONE?
Where've you been all morning? Not waking people up at the crack of dawn, I hope.
Crow: Well, that's where they found Tony Orlando...
"Tony Craig!" That would be a good name for you!
I could be persuaded.
Terrible name for laser eye surgery. Scares away the customers.
So....ever make it with a mid-level bureaucrat?
Hey, how are things in the Blue Lagoon?
Here's my Merle Haggard Visa. I assume you take that.
Steven Stills and Bill Gates.
See, that scene worked because you expected a bear to jump out.
Well let's recap the movie so far: someone went to Acapulco and someone almost bought gas.
Until I stop killing men with my hip bones.
Neil Diamond. Hot August Nights.
45 speed limit...a plane... It's all coming together!
Hold on! Gimme a second to get crazy here!
"Nice shooting, Xanthar!" "Thanks, Denise."
"Oh, and hey... Let's be careful out there."
When you first saw this you laughed so hard you spilled your bong water; didn't you Mike?
He's like a lucid Dennis Hopper!
Red Zone Cuba 3: The Destruction of Cherokee Jack!
Well Reno gave us the go ahead...let's do it!
Tonight! On a very special Simon & Simon.
I'm Cherokee Jack!
This is so Coleman Francis right now!
The South's gonna' do it again!
Filmed with Husbands & Wives Cam.
Are you a Woman?
Chuck's Carbon Donuts?!?
He's his own airbag!
Thrill as the police forget something!
He'd make a pretty Sharon Gless!
Hey, your sister wants her shirt back!
Hey! We're still having trouble with our copier!
We show you this scene to represent what would have happened.
Well! At least he was wearing his seat belt.
This is one of my greatest specimens!
Well it's big but not as big as mine!
You know nothing of my chest holes!
I understand, Tan Man with Wallet.
Anything you say can and will be used to GET YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAAAALLL!
Is a cat layin' on the organ or somethin'?
She certainly is a sparkling hostess.
It's a sunny day .... you got a pleasant buzz going...
It's raining porn... Hallelujah...
- Yuuuchhh! What IS that?!
- Can you SHOW that?!
Thrill, as the police... forget something...
Well. Medical science has done everything possible. Goodbye.
Well, it's big... but not as big as mine...
I, uh... I had an infection of the Yabalans, one time...
He's so happy his dingle ball shipment came in.
Hey, you wouldn't believe what just happened at Dealey Plaza!
Well, that was rough goin', but I think the worst is over. I'll just pull over here.
"What's this?" I think it's the... sturmen. Does that sound right?
"Dumb cop and dumb cop. They're dumb cops."
Ecuadorian bat boy found alive in cave!
Wow. Roddy McDowall AND Dave Allen!
*Gasp* Kathy's jock strap!
Eddie's like a puppy you just have to keep hittin' with a rolled-up newspaper...
"You better put something on there, it looks pretty mean." He died.
Nice shooting Zanthar. Thanks, Denise.
(Billy shaking laser blaster in the air) I can't get this poster tube off of my arm!
♪♫ I'd like to teach the world...to get ready for some FOOTBALL!
There's a label maker on top of the laser blaster.
(Billy hacking down brush with the laser blaster) Yes, it's the brand new Weed Whipper 2.
Hey, you got a camera rig on your car!
Look! Everyone was sending a sheet of paper to everyone else!
Red Zone Cuba 3: The Destruction of Cherokee Jack.
"I don't like going to doctors."
But it was Roddy McDowall. He made it fun!
I think we're supposed to like him because he has a van.
Every time I come close to not hating him, I see those feet on the side of the van.
I'm thinking this and Roddie McDowell ate up about 90% of the films budget.
"We've got a mad bomber on our hands."
I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.
Oh no, another dead dog. I gotta remember to leave a crack open in the window.
Anything you say could be used... to get you ready for some FOOTBALL!
He's his own air bag.
I understand, Tan Man With Wallet.
Norelco's plan for world domination.
Even its name spells Merry Christmas.
I'm hunting space cwaft, eh eh eh eh eh eh eh.
I certainly hope we see those credits at the end of the movie, too.
Ah, so you know it won't be funny.
I'd like to call my horse with no name... but it doesn't have a name.
They are so right man, I really am just dust in the wind
Well, merry Christmas everybody.
I think you are gonna detail my van for $75.
♫ Get your motor running...head out on the highway ♪
"Well, did you?"
"Don't even pretend, Eddie."
No reason for them to tell me all this; I'm no good at names.
Eww, Robert Ginty was a better kisser!
[Mike Bobenko] Brother of Bob Mikenko.
Sometimes I worry I'm not shallow enough.
"So what East Coast Southern California town is this?"
"This movie packs the unflinching humor of a Dik Browne panel!"
"Cindy, you need to get an eating disorder!"
"He undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!"
"The Bill Bixby line of David Birney clothing."
"Now... Let's go find some ptarmigan!"
"Hey! It's that gas station that... Frank Lloyd Wright didn't design."
"Hi, I'm Max Keller."
"Wow. Christina's World: 3001."
"These credits give ya' a chance to finish your popcorn, talk a little, decide to see another movie..."
Great, he lives next to Alan Parsons...
It's Rover from The Prisoner!!!
It's an inverted world where the spazzes make fun of the cool guys!
The first time you saw this, you laughed so hard you spilled your bong water, didn't you Mike?
Suddenly I long for a Hal Needham film.
This guy has put more rolled up towels under more doors...
Looks like Trent Reznor ran out of gas.
This music has a decidedly Hawkwind feel to it.
I have to see if "Beyond the Valley of the Planet of the Apes" is a go.
Are you saying I have an oral fixation?
My heart is in my throat.
Oh, wait. That's not my heart.
And quit scanning me!
(As burning car rolls by.) Hey, Eddie! Hey, Chuck! I like the flames you painted on your....ooohhh....
(Guys in airplane.) That's probably someone who did something. Well, let's shoot him!
(As cop car U-turns.) THRILL as the police....forget something!
(Car engulfed in flames.) At least he's wearing his seat belt.
(Examining scorched spot on ground.) ....another Buddhist monk.
Roddy McDowall- "Quite frankly...." I don't know why I took this role.
(As car circles gas station.) He teases the gas pumps mercilessly.
He's lured by the siren song of 70's hits.
(Car blows up.) Yeah, they thought the spent plutonium rods would be fine in the trunk.
"Thanks for comin' in." But we already cast the role.
You're right. This data proves I'm a woman.
(Girl runs away, screaming.) Why didn't she do that when he was kissing her?
1:09- I bought the drapes too short but I found a way to deal with it.
He's taking Eddie to the vet to get him fixed.
I wonder what the flaw was that kept Leonard Maltin from giving this a full 3 stars.
You may or may not believe this, but I grow my own Mary Jane!
He woke up Ram Dass.
Won't he be surprised when he finds out it does not go "pow," but "FWEESH!"
Hey, how are things at the Blue Lagoon?
"Hold on, gimme a minute to get crazy."
"Everything is hush hush!" - Sweet Charlotte! "Operation Sand-dust! Hush hush!" - Sweet Charlotte!! "Everybody connected with it! Hush hush!!" - SWEET CHARLOTTE!!
"Oh- camera rig! On the side of the van."
Billy, go to expression #2.
Now go out there and SELL, SELL, SELL!
"He caught the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!"
"Geez, nature movies of big spiders going at it are more appealing!"
"So, we're watching someone waiting for someone?"
"One of Mr. T's understated pieces."
"Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say 'pow'."
"Help! A giant bong is attacking me, aaahh!"
In a world where the nerds make fun of the cool kids...
You know, every time I come close to not hating him, I see those feet on the side of his van.
Oh man, Leif Garrett did more harm then he'll ever know.
Coca-cola's gonna need a P.R. campaign just to undo the damage this scene is causing.
Bill Duncan kid eh? Let's get him..." and find out if he's READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL
CROW: "This movie means 2 things to me.... Sheet Cake and Back Fat..."
"Did ANCIENT ASTRONAUTS make dust bunnies?"
MIKE: "When the movie starts showing you parts of it's self, you know you're in trouble."
"I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive..."
"You are now ordered to leave the Bronx." (Escape 2000)
"A Microsoft meeting goes horribly wrong!"
"Good shooting, Zanthar!"
He'd make a pretty Sharon Gless.
It appears to be growing into a Wizard of Oz commemorative plate.
It is ape law.
Is this one of those movies based on a Jane Austen novel?
Was that it? Ah, well, good try.
Do you have to invite your van everytime we do this? I can hear it breathing.
That's really not a very good Chippendale outfit...
You know, that scene worked because you expected a bear to jump out.
Suddenly that scene in the desert seems taught and well-executed.
Home movies are more tightly edited than this!
*Sobs* Oh, bitter irony! I just read an article by Steven Hawking!
I hope the sex change operation goes alright.
I will be letting it all hang down.
You can put your entire head in his bellybutton.
The famous squealing tires on a dirt road.
Snap out of it you old bastard!
"Aww, damn, there's only six rolls of toilet paper left!"
"Illegal use of a Deezan!"
Am I good, huh? Who's the king!?!
Yyyyyep, what do we got? Another citizen who isn't (say it with me) READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
"I'll tell you something else if you won't think I'm crazy..." - I've got grasshoppers taped to my back.
I'm thinking of getting an ass reduction, Ted.
I saw a Wolman drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's!
"Oh somebody's got a full diaper"
Hopefully that thing has a shirt buttoning attachment
"Why did you open up all the cans of soup grandpa?"
"Karen Carpenter's phone booth."
"He's going to get a new baseball cap with a fake dog turd on it."
"Eat me you fuzzy marshmallow."
Steven Stills and Bill Gates
This movie is comprised strictly of second unit footage.
Oh no, his car turned into a sedan and crashed and exploded!
This guy killed himself when Edgar Winters Band broke up!
Wow, Kung Fu got a van!
Well, goodbye, Mrs. Joe Don Baker.
I'm not ready for Football anymore.
Every time I come close to not hating him I see those feet on the side of the van.
Let me grab a big melon baller here...
There's a place in France where the ladies...
There's a place in France where the ladies...
There's a place in France... I wish they'd stay in one key.
There's a place in fr... I wish they'd finish a phrase now and again.
There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants, yeah! Bring it down now, talk about that place in france, man. Where the ladies ain't wearing no knickers at all... Hey!
Oh no, it's Michael Landon, what else can go wrong?
Crow: Thank you sir, I think we get the gist of it.
Tom: Is there a point to your little call sir?
Equadorian bat boy found ALIVE in cave
GOD... I hope they forgot to set the parking brake.
YHVH in a can
This part's so good... I gotta pull over.
She's one of the turtle aliens!
[Relentless shredding] GO HOME [Shredding] Wait something wrong with the whammy bar.. [Shred shred shred] Uhh... Steve.
Somebody threw away a perfectly good arm remover!
Think of all the dope I could smoke with this!
Show me the way to the next whiskey bar!
Pull over, squeal like a pig.
He's squealing wheels on a dirt road.
"Wow, and you thought Willy Aimes was hot!" "...I did."
...And until I stop killing men with my hipbones!
Flesh is a good color for a house.
Alright gimme a puff....then I gotta get home and GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALLLL
Hey Yurtle you left your shell in the ship.
Navajos get all the good land...
Makes me glad rural America is dying.
I think I'll have that leather vest, my friend.
Oh, those lovable Southern California crackers!
Although not admitting any wrongdoing, we agree to compensate you for having had sex with Billy.
Pepsi gave 'em big bucks to place Coke in this movie.
someone threw away a perfectly good arm remover
Oh Billy, between you and the motor oil, and your b.o. and the scabby hole in your chest - I just love you.
ah yes, test audiences responded well to bulbous crackers using the john.
I gotta go to the john - watch out thunder bucket - you're about to meet your greatest challenge.
Steven Stills and Bill Gates.
I'm gonna drink the hell outta this Coke!
Anna Nicole Smith and her husband.
A Microsoft meeting goes horribly wrong...
Dirty and Harry.
Dumb Cop and Dumb Cop. They're Dumb Cops
This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat.
I just get the feeling you're not READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAALL!
Crow: A Keenan Wynn comes blowin' in
Tom: You are the Wynn beneath my Keenan
If I built a fortress around your heart...
Let's pop amyls and watch Daze
Are you a woman?
When a movie starts showing you parts of itself, you know you're in trouble.
Aw... looks like Trent Reznor ran out of gas. Poor guy...
Nipple check...... Yup, nipples intact.
Okay, watch out thunderbucket, you're about to meet your greatest challenge.
Isn't that doorknob abnormally high?
Yes, non-skinny women are inherently unhappy.
Oh, did my parents burn down the house and move away?
Man, if there were ignorant talk radio in the 70's I sure would agree with it.
It's Coleman Francis Mountain.
You get out there and sell, sell, sell!
After all that, it's po-po-pow?
The Army of the Potomac has us on the run, sweatie.
Keenan started early today.
Now on to movie three.
I know, what you are thinking: did I fire six gorlocks or only five?
Ah, the Charlie Daniels Band is now the Charles Band.
I am soo baked.
look...ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!
Edward CD player hand