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1003 - Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders



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Look, I like Ernest Borgnine. But... What is the point of having him in this "movie"? If all you wanted was to use his fame to add some credibility to the production, why not just give him a bit part in the actual story? He could be a customer when we're first introduced to Merlin's shop. Heck, he could be Merlin. Why make him a redundant framing device affably telling horror stories to put his grandson to bed?


Childe Harold - almost 5 years ago
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AAAAGGGHHH! WHAT IS THIS MOVIE???


Bruce Ellsworth Reed - about 4 years ago
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I admit, I love Ernest Borgnine! Everything, simply every part he ever played is always done correctly, superbly. McHale's Navy, Ice Station Zebra, The Dirty Dozen, The Poseidon Adventure are just a few.


Matthew Boyle - about 2 years ago
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crow has a nephew? That means he has a brother or sister. Wonder where they are. Joel does make a joke in one episode about having something like over 100 people on the SOL even though we mostly only see 4 of them.


Nick Renouf - 3 months ago
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St. Merlin...not recognized by the catholic church. Gets me every time!!!! :D


And another one gone
jaynighte - 3 months ago
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Shout! Factory again...


Netflix
Zac Hoover - 3 months ago
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It's available on Netflix


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"I'm here to awaken the world, to bring magic back."
That doesn't sound like a good idea.

"Oh, there was a time when wizards commanded the respect of kings."
Ah, that's what he wants to bring back.


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So the idea is that we're watching enactments here of some screenplays Ernest here wrote for a TV show that failed before getting into production.

Stories that weren't good enough for TV: great premise, movie.


SaturnHex - 5 months ago
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All the episodes are getting removed :/


Benjamin Baxter - over 5 years ago
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This is by far one of the best episodes, right up there with Time Chasers and Space Mutiny.


Phil Carstens - over 4 years ago
5 laughs

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I absolutely hate this movie. Let's go over what happens. They kill a cat, kill a dog, and then think it would be exciting to almost kill a kid. And they think it's all whimsical. I loathe this movie, and think anyone who worked on it should be locked away forever.

However, the riffing is great.


Stereo Catz - 10 months ago
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That cartoon they're watching is out of order! (But a good fit because it has a similar whimsy to madness ratio to this movie)


This is Awesome
Joe Hudson - 9 months ago
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"Oh, Mrs. Cooper, you fine!" @ 25:25 Had me rolling, that was awesome and I had to go back and make sure Merlin didn't say it himself!


Mike Carmona - about 4 years ago
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Who would've guessed that Merlin's shop was the store in the Friday the 13th tv series!


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It looks like Jonathan had the book set to 'M' for 'mini' when he should of had it set to 'W' for 'wumbo'!
(Borgnine did the voice for Mermaid Man on Spongebob. Yes, I am relatively young compared to the average MSTie.)


Amethystia "Coco" Forrester - over 2 years ago
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I can't help but wonder about the consequences of Jonathan as a baby. Like, how does she explain that when suddenly has a baby, is she going to get him a birth certificate... what does she put as the father? And she's straight up going to be accused of murdering Jonathan because he's gone and all of his stuff is still there so he obviously didn't take off on his own.


Ashlee Hill - over 2 years ago
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Rock n roll martian... Rock n roll martian!


Matthew Boyle - about 2 years ago
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oh thats right moses cursed me? When was dead plants a plague of egypt? pestilence was one but that was more livestock right? And they weren't curses they were divinely ordained plagues. Curse implies black magic and witchcraft. the wrath of an angry god is much more benevolent.


A Lush Cocktail Rescue - over 1 year ago
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I'm glad the word "Japanimation" died in the 90s.


Bill Cooling - about 1 year ago
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She's not barren. Her egg cells just retreat up into her colon during coitus with this guy. Let those sperm wander around a while, criticizing her "pedestrian" ovaries and then when they die and are inevitably absorbed, the coast is clear and they come back into place, awaiting a more worthy intruder. Science.


Bill Cooling - about 1 year ago
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22:50 Lady walks into a house of magic and wonder and the thing that catches her fancy is the glass spoon pipe for her weed. Nice piece, though.


Michael Mogar - about 1 year ago
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"Remember the cat billy? At least it went quickly"


3 laughs

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David's psychic friend has got to be the second most irrationally angry character ever, after the grocer from The Brute Man.


Funky The Monkey - over 1 year ago
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I'd say that reviewer just needs more love...but him and some recent news about Orlando is just some of the proof that relationships or those "Get laid" and "you need a girlfriend/boyfriend" hectoring doesn't solve people's problems. I know just some people's way of saying "I don't approve of you", but whatever. XD
The devil here sound like Darth Vader.
"I think that guy is deep in the dark side already."
We have no idea, Trixie.


Abigail Adams - almost 2 years ago
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LOL Japanimation. My brother was constantly watching Voltron.


Neruala - over 1 year ago
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"I'm a pillow with features!" hahaha...gets me every time. The first half of the film is comedy gold.


Alex Stefanic - over 5 years ago
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The whole monkey story is a blatant ripoff of a Stephen King short story from"Skeleton Crew".


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The gypsy lady in the opening looks like James Spader....


TANKK 3000 - about 3 years ago
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Really????? No riff after the "she is sensative in her area"....dropped the ball on that one guys lol


mojojojo - almost 2 years ago
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every time Mike or Tom do the ~Midwesterner~ accent, I lose it. Early on with "Try the Merlin Chop. Half a pound of Merlin, veg-a-tubble of the day, and WHHHipped dessert." So bland, so nasally, so like home!!!!


Snuffy Wuffykiss - almost 2 years ago
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The D&D nerd in me wants to like this movie. It has a similar set up to the Princess Bride and the first story had similar puppetry and special effects as Labyrinth, both of which i love. But mainly I just feel kinda insulted and let down. Makes for some really good riffing though!


2 laughs

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There's something I hate so much about these 90s family movies. Something about the cutesy, "heartwarming hijinks"-type music and the stereotypical, overacted characters and storylines just makes me want to throw up. I usually try to avoid being this harsh, but it just drives me crazy. I don't like those things in any movie, but in these incredibly poorly executed ones (like this one and Quest of the Delta Knights) they bring me dangerously close to punching somebody.
(Sorry for ranting. I'm done now.)


Last of the Wild Ponies - over 2 years ago
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This movie is EVIIIILLLLL!


Matthew Boyle - about 2 years ago
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That guy is way to excited when he finds out his mother is calling. Although the almost immediate "no, everything's fine" is accurate.


Jordan Carpenter - about 2 years ago
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Okay, did seriously no one involved of the making of this movie ever try to sit the director down and explain, "Hey, um, if you want your title character to come off as a kind, wise hero, maybe you shouldn't put in an entire scene very strongly implying that all of his powers come straight from the devil?"


Amse Master - about 3 years ago
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There is no way that evil monkey part was shot in the mid-90's, unless they were going for a super-accurate late-70's/early-80's look with that house, and the women's hairstyles, and the kid's Return of the Jedi shirt. It looks almost identical to the house where I grew up in the early 80's. Even the TV and the lighting fixtures are the same.


Funky The Monkey - over 2 years ago
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I can see Merlin quit shaving and haircuts since his days working for Santa. Probably still works for him too. Where else would he get that evil toy monkey. Santa's blood and human sacrifice rituals with Pitch to make that monkey. XD

Merlin and his creepy little monkey. At least his monkey works most of the time.


1:09:55
Last of the Wild Ponies - over 2 years ago
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YES! A Mike + the Mechanics reference! In all my days, I never would've expected it, but IT HAPPENED! Thanks, MST3K crew!


Ozzie Olin - almost 3 years ago
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The one thing that kills me the most about this is that the kid doesn't know the word "psychic", but knows the word "clairvoyant". What the hell is that about?


Last of the Wild Ponies - over 2 years ago
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I like Mike's Barney Rubble costume in the Zimbabwe experiment at the beginning.


Mundane Marker - over 2 years ago
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The frame for this movie makes me think the writer intended this to be a TV series but couldn't get it approved.


Great Scott - over 2 years ago
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The second story reminds me of Final Destination only with household pets instead of gore.


Jonathan S. - over 2 years ago
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I honestly thought the kid was saying f*cking robot Sh*t when he was first playing with the monkey.


Phil Carstens - over 3 years ago
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Mrs. Merlin is hot!


Aethervox@mail.com - over 5 years ago
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The cartoon at about 1:02:43 is "Balloon Land" and I highly recommend watching it, because goddamn is it weird.

TERROR OF BALLOONY LAND!


Crypto Dentist - about 4 years ago
1 laugh

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It's difficult to describe this movie without using profanity. Friggin' nightmare fuel for children, this.


Rufus T. Firefly - about 3 years ago
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If they ever decide to remake this movie I think they should just lean in to the whole "Merlin-as-an-old-hippie" thing and cast Jeff Bridges as Merlin.


29:13
Austin Strong - about 3 years ago
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"The verdict is in and the world was not awaiting a chubby, pompous eunuch!" Oh, I beg to differ, Crow. http://cdn.hbowatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Varys.jpg


Senor Misterioso - over 3 years ago
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I can't believe it! not one single "spank the monkey" riff!


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1:13:16 - "What's in the bag?"
A SHARK or something?


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(6:43 in) Oh my god! It's Senator Mitch McConnell!


The humanity - about 3 years ago
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I wonder if this was J K Rowlings inspiration for the Harry Potter books? ;)


Gal Dagon - about 5 years ago
10 laughs

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So all the women in that family think the monkey toy is cute. The kid has bigger problems than the movie had time to explore.


Matt Marino - over 4 years ago
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oh my gosh....the ridiculous music at 25:05-25:30. haha i love how Servo mocks it. this is a well riffed film but definitely one of the more depressing movies viewed. some of these 90s films throw me off, especially the latter half which seems more 70s


4 laughs

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I love that at about the ten minute mark, you can clearly see a member of the film crew - or possibly a prowler in Grandpa Bourgnine's house - casually turn around and walk out of the frame.


tim trozzo - over 3 years ago
2 laughs

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Mike has said that this is his favorite MST3K episode.


Rock Harris - over 3 years ago
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So, fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments...?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can we do this now?!?


Stephen A Nathe - over 3 years ago
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this movie(and that definition is one of the loosest in the entirety of the series), screams 90s FAMILY CHANNEL/ABC Saturday movie


Gabriel Traylor - over 3 years ago
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This episode has one of my favorite bits - when Cooper is just babbling in his basement at one point - and no riff, (31:15 - 31:20) They're just chuckling at the character and Crow says, "What's his deal?" Just the fact that the character is so ridiculous that no joke is needed.


Rufus T. Firefly - almost 4 years ago
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According to Wikipedia (so it must be true) the second story about the evil monkey toy was a re-editing of a horror movie from the '80s called "The Devil's Gift". In the original version, there is no Merlin or any other sort of deus ex machina that shows up at the end and saves everyone--nope, they all die horribly violent deaths. I'd like to know who the creep was that spotted that movie and thought, "Yes, that would be PERFECT for a family movie!"


Stereo Catz - about 4 years ago
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Couldn't they just super-glue the monkey's arms together or something?


Stephen A Nathe - over 3 years ago
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one word....BROKEN!!!


Amethystia "Coco" Forrester - over 3 years ago
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Mike's happy trail goes the wrong way


Stephanie~ - almost 4 years ago
9 laughs

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The "You're Welcome" line never gets old for me.


Jen Bates - over 3 years ago
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It's nothing more than a rock!
Like your womb.


Bruce Box-Liker - almost 4 years ago
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The true incompetence of this movie is that you've got the story of the grandfather telling a story to his grandson, which acts as a framework for a story about Merlin running a magic shop, which in turn acts as a framework for the other two stories.

It reminds me of a gag from the Simpsons, where Homer is daydreaming that he's asleep, and that his sleeping self in the daydream is in turn dreaming about eating a sandwich.


Robert Brown - almost 4 years ago
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Interestingly, the guys do not note that Merlin will need a time machine to fetch his monkey because the woman bought it ten years before the thug stole it. Well, "thug."


Arianne Wingard - almost 4 years ago
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This is actually, the first episode that I've seen of this show. As for the movie, As a whole, it's still nightmare fuel.


Packers! - almost 4 years ago
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Well, Rock and Roll martian I guess.


Mod-God - about 4 years ago
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"Hmmm.. Which chin should I put my hand on?"


Classicats - about 4 years ago
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The neighbor in the last story reminds me of Graham Chapman from Monty Python. And maybe a bit of Eric Clapton, too.


LostHighway - almost 5 years ago
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George R.R. Martin cameo on the park bench at the end? :P


Bees On Pie - over 4 years ago
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You know, I never thought I'd find a man in a diaper sexy. Somehow Shirtless Mike has done it again and made me feel uncomfortable for lusting after something soul-gaggingly creepy.


Cris Marko - over 4 years ago
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So the wise old Merlin and his wife believe the burglar took the toy monkey and "traded it for food?" Further proof this is a kid's movie.


Bruce Box-Liker - over 4 years ago
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"I'd have given her half my cart for twenty bucks!"

So this guy's pulling down an absolute maximum of forty dollars every day, gross?


Tuula Salonen - over 4 years ago
4 laughs

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n old hippy arrives in a puff of smoke, and no pot jokes? Well maybe it would have been TOO easy.


Alyssa Who Will Not Be Named - over 4 years ago
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Merlin's Mystical Shop of YUM!!!!


Rachel Adams - over 4 years ago
7 laughs

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I love that the movie influences Crow and Servo to competitively review each other in the host segment. "My second trip to Tom Servo was even a GREATER disappointment!" Now who could I review...


Big McLargehuge - over 4 years ago
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Whoo hoo! I LOVE bags!


Gal Dagon - about 5 years ago
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OK, so of all the people involved in the production of this POS, did nobody at any point stop and say "Wait a minute, this is completely messed up"?


Frankie DeMario - almost 6 years ago
4 laughs

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The cymbal playing monkey haunts my dreams.


5 laughs

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9 people watching this tonight...All in honor of Mr. Borgnine, I imagine.


Gal Dagon - about 5 years ago
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"Isn't it darling?"


Stephen - almost 6 years ago
11 laughs

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This one actually freaks me out.


Stereo Catz - about 5 years ago
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I forgot how good this episode was, minute 1:27 had me laughing so hard I almost choked.


NS - over 5 years ago
6 laughs

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As you can guess from the comments below, this is a delightfully whimsical (and whimsically delightful) children's movie... if you hate children. The Screaming Skull had less death and supernatural mayhem than this.


Alex Silver - over 5 years ago
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I can only imagine how many "Borgnine masturbates a lot" jokes would be in this episode if it aired today.


wangson - over 5 years ago
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oh man, tom and crow reviewing each other gave me belly laughs! "the verdict is in, no one wants a pompous, chubby eunich!"