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1004 - Future War



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Comments (78) Best Riffs (251)

The plot, such as it is, the best I can figure...
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There are humanoid aliens who call themselves "the masters." They are not from the future. Nor are they at war with anyone. Somehow, despite not having evolved thumbs (or anything that serves the same purpose), they became cyborgs with interstellar space ships. They do not, however, have the technology to build robots. Nor do they have any interest in building thumbs or other gripper attachments. At some point, they learn that Earth has intelligent beings shaped much like them, but who have thumbs. So they kidnap a bunch to serve as slave labor. They also (possibly through time travel) obtain dinosaur-like creatures and train them to serve as "trackers" to hunt down escaped slaves, despite the fact that the slaves are implanted with subcutaneous tracking devices. Also, the dinosaurs are fitted with exploding collars powerful enough to vaporize their bodies, but the system of dinosaur bloodhounds is seen as preferable to fitting the humans with similar collars. The dinosaur collars exist to erase evidence of their presence because apparently having dinosaurs roam the streets isn't a dead giveaway.

The humans have Bible verses on the wall of their living quarters. They understand English (written and spoken), but cannot speak or write it. They know they were taken from Earth, but also consider it to be Heaven.

For some reason, the Masters are returning to Earth. Likely, this is to pick up a fresh batch of slaves. Given that the CIA is apparently aware of this, it's not unlikely they've done so more than once.

Knowing that the ship was near Earth, one of the slaves uses an escape pod to, well, escape. With the help of a plucky nun who was a hooker and a drug dealer and still has connections with arms dealers, he escapes cyborgs and dinosaurs, overwhelming them with slow-mo karate. For some reason, the pair ditch her car and escape on a train, only to end up in the same town. A friendly former John gives her a pound of explosives and a wad of cash for old times' sake. Now armed, they pinpoint the enemy base as some kind of underground pumping station (or possibly an old bunker) which for some reason is made primarily of rotting wood. They know it has to be the place because it's near water (which the dinosaurs need in abundance) and because there's a dinosaur-sized hole in the fence. They plant a bomb outside what's apparently the only entrance, set a timer, go inside, kill a bunch of bad guys, do nothing else (despite apparently having some kind of urgent strategic goal), and escape with seconds to spare before the bomb caves in the entrance, sealing the place off. There is no indication of why they would leave the bomb outside or why they cut the timing so close or why they used a timer as the detonator or why they set the timer before going in or how they survived a blast from a bomb that big.

All of this is enough, for no clear reason, to convince the nun to move past her crisis of faith, and (despite lingering doubts and possibly romantic feelings for the slave) she goes ahead with taking her vows. Except, before she can give the final word, the cyborg in charge of the hunt drops in for a last battle. It is left unclear weather she did finish taking her vows. The slave becomes a rehab counselor.

The giant alien space ship is left drifting through space. Or possibly retreating home. Really, there's no indication whether there are any more crew members on board or other slaves left alive or what this all means for the people on the alien world.

This story is then chopped to bits, shuffled around haphazardly, and padded out with redundant flashbacks so that it makes even less sense.

Is that about it?


Dave Ryder - about 3 years ago
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He says it's a POUND of 'high grade white'...and she asks "is it a killing dose?" WTF?


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28 minutes in: "Terrible habit, girl." Said to a nun wearing a habit. And the riff? "Hey, not on the floor..." Really dropped the ball there, Tom.


Eric Allen - 3 months ago
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(16:00) After Jean-Claude GoshDarn commits the beer crime on hobo Santa and is running away, is he yelling "I want my mommy!"?


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I mean, it's not like they didn't even have cameras....


Neumie - 7 months ago
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I finally figured out who Fred Burroughs is, the big black guy!


Cinematic offspring
big_Greg - 7 months ago
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If Ed Wood and Larry Buchanan had a baby, it would be this movie. Ed would have loved the cereal box video camera; definitely a dime store prop as legacy-making as pie tin flying saucers.


Doctor Lady - 8 months ago
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I hate to say it, but I think that Eegah is a more effective communicator than our hero in the first part of this movie.


Erik Helgesen - about 2 years ago
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This movie showed up in the latest episode of Best of the Worst http://redlettermedia.com/best-of-the-worst-future-war-the-jar-and-white-fire/


Funky The Monkey - about 1 year ago
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Trixie: "I ran you threw the machine, Funky. And....how is 29 times the lady possible? Only Rom from DS9 could be the same."
That's horse&^%#.
Trixie: "Was that a strong emotional response? And what do you feel about horses?"
I love horses naturally. Would ride one some...hay."
Trixie: "How's your cooking, cleaning, and gardening?"
....That's enough, woman.
Trixie: "Speak for yourself. And do you check out porn for the physical sex or the emotional orgasmic connection between two or more people?"
If you don't stop, I'll imagine a Xenomorph in my head.
Trixie: "Okay you win. You're even moody. Big woman..."


VOX_COX - about 1 year ago
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Sometimes I look this up just to watch the line read: "In various ages, shapes, sizes... and its masters."


Stereo Catz - over 1 year ago
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Wow I just saw Daniel Bernhardt in Mortal Kombat Conquest. A low budget, late 90s TV show that was so bad they didn't even bother properly misspelling it.


This movie...
Mike I - 12 months ago
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Delivering more huh?'s per second than any other film.


Stephen A Nathe - over 3 years ago
4 laughs

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This is SOOOO a crap'arody of TERMINATOR/TERMINATOR 2...
not just the police station part, but the entire basic concept('cept with Dinosaurs thrown into the mixer, and put on "COMPLETELY BOTCHED")...
the NUN narrating, just like Sarah Connor...and so on.
Even the cop's name Polaris is clearly ripping into the attempted Future theme, taking liberty from Lt. Traxler from the first TERMINATOR.

Good lord...


Mike Thies - about 1 year ago
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I love how each decades bad movies have a completely different feel. That said I especially love bad 90's sci-fi flicks. You had people with so much ambition and inspiration but no money and most of the time no talent. It leads to a treasure trove of bad movies like this one.


Great Scott - over 2 years ago
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You know, personally, I'd honestly watch and possibly enjoy Sister Penguin and the two large guys fight against future-dinosaurs but Jean-Claude Gosh Darn just brings it all down for me.


James GreyWolf - about 3 years ago
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Ok. I am a LONE SWAT guy (that, in and of itself, is just plain wrong). I am walking through a dark storage area. I find a splatter of fresh blood on the floor. What is the first thing I do? I PUT MY WEAPON DOWN. Yeah. They train SWAT guys to do that, don't they?


Slippyhere - over 1 year ago
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2 minutes in and they've already killed off the token black character. Hoo boy, this is gonna be a wreck, isn't it?


Jerome Montgomery II - over 4 years ago
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You know a movie this bad when they've this at the goowill for 10 cents and on DVD.


Teridactyl - over 3 years ago
6 laughs

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Robert Z'Dar has a face like a ___________.
A.) a catcher's mitt
B.) a collapsed soufflé
C.) a jack-o-lantern on November 8th
D.) that face-thing on Mars
E.) other (fill in the blank)


Eileen Fay - over 3 years ago
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I know it is the simplest of all possible riffs, but I can't not explode with a guffaw every time the dinosaur smashes through the nun's door and Mike says "Amway!"

(And, the Swiss-born hero is surprisingly good-looking, for a change.)


Kevin Bernard John Hill - over 1 year ago
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Cardboard boxes! Aahh!


Stereo Catz - over 3 years ago
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Maybe don't teach your slaves kickboxing, I don't know.


The Princess Elizena - almost 2 years ago
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Premium hand puppet attacks! Right up there with Hobgoblins!


Mike Carmona - over 4 years ago
3 laughs

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Why does this movie feel like it was made by a poor man's Michael Bay?


Snuffy Wuffykiss - almost 2 years ago
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Z'yes!


NS - over 5 years ago
12 laughs

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This is bad. Very, very bad. Most bad movies have some redeeming quality lurking among all the bad-- a good actor slumming it, a supporting character who steals the show, an amusing one-liner, an audaciously unusual monster. Not this movie. It is uniformly bad. It is a homogenous mixture of badness, cardboard, and plaid. Even that guy from Soultaker-- the one with the face-- can't save it. Bad, bad, bad.

And yet, somehow, the crew manages to make a good episode out of it. Go fig.


Fancy Pantserton - almost 5 years ago
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Oh hey. They Jean-Claude-esque fellow, Daniel Bernhardt (Swiss martial artist) was agent Johnson in Matrix Reloaded. He was the agent in the first fight in the movie, where the agents were finishing each others' sentences. Agent Jackson said "He is still.." then Agent Johnson said "onlyt human", and then fighting...


Stephen A Nathe - over 2 years ago
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if anyone wants more "SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE" scifi, check rifftrax's FUTUREZONE movies with Mr. Asphyxiation, David Carradine


Teri Gee - over 2 years ago
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Yes, I know the flaws are rampant in this movie, but here's another one that I just noticed this time through.

What detective would go into a dangerous situation, where multiple people have been killed and say to the two unarmed civilians, "You two, follow me." ...into the dangerous situation so that we can have to protect you as well as ourselves from an unknown danger.


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I've got to remember the put Fred Burroughs in my Rolodex so I can call him to fill me in any time a movie just forgets to give essential information to its audience.


James GreyWolf - almost 3 years ago
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09:16 Crow: "So. It wasn't a giant meteor. It was a Daisy Air Rifle that killed the dinosaurs."

Speaking from experience, that is a distinct possibility. In my childhood, I had a Daisy Air Rifle. At one point, my brother, as a joke, shot me with that air rifle. My God, the blood, the pain, the stitches, IT WAS HORRIBLE. Ok... there were no stitches... and it didn't actually break the skin, so I didn't really lose any blood... But dammit, it stung pretty nasty for a few minutes.

I really think that, with a Daisy and a bunch of REALLY nasty paper cuts, it would be possible to wipe out the entire Dinosaur population from earth... (which really wouldn't be hard, since they are already extinct.)


Bozohotep - about 4 years ago
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Boy, even Torgo couldn't have saved this one.


Teri Gee - about 3 years ago
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I really like this episode, but I do wonder why they decided to have the bots being so derogatory during the closing credits. That's far from the silliest thing they've ever done. Why so bothered by Mike doing it this time?

Yes, I'm relaxed, just curious. :)


Great Laughs
Sean Natale - about 3 years ago
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1:05:30......."Yo! Lets collect wild flowers." HAHAHA! Too damn Funny! They have to be the worst gang in history.


Dutch42 - about 3 years ago
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So. . . 56:05 . . .The outer space tool studied under Bruce Lee. . . and got a failing grade?


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OK 2 points. First cyborg technology is advanced enough to make spaceships and time travel yet thumbs are too difficult to make. Secondly we now know it wasn't an asteroid that killed the dinosaurs but that they died of shame from their incredible lameness.


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"I am a tool" yep that line sums up everybody who was involved in making this drek.


Stereo Catz - over 3 years ago
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Did I mention that four days ago a fire fell from the sky?


Leo Brochu - about 3 years ago
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Boy this is a weird one... who knew 'Kazja' is actually a man (Z'Dar's fight double and 'professional' knife fighting instructor) and Travis Brooks Stewart is a woman?


Ray Garraty - almost 4 years ago
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Just watched for the first time in ages. This movie has a 1.7 out of 10 on IMDB, the same rating as Riding with Death. I'd rather watch Riding with Death ten times to every one time of this; this crap belongs in the class of bad movies with Manos, Monster A-Go Go, and the rest of the real painful films.


Teri Gee - about 3 years ago
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I just watched the original trailer for this movie...and not even editing it down to less than 90 seconds could disguise how badly made it is. Some of the trailers I've seen make the movie look interesting. This one did not. Maybe if the dinosaurs looked the least bit threatening. :)


Linda Televangelista - over 3 years ago
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Plan 9 From Outer Space was better than this movie...can someone tell me why they got on that damn train hobo style?!


Gourry Gabriev - over 3 years ago
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Who wants to start a Kickstarter for hallmark cards that say "Thank you for not killing me?" Anybody?


Stephen A Nathe - over 3 years ago
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another FINE look at the "future" in a 90s movie P.O.V.
makes me wonder when cloned raptors controlled by cyborgs will overrun and enslave human "tools"---who then come back in time, and fight nuns and fat dudes...


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(1:01:25) Absolutely anyone who has gone beyond high school-level science should know YOU DON'T WEAR OPEN-TOED SHOES IN A LAB. That is lab safety 101.


Stephen A Nathe - over 3 years ago
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wow!! the scene in the police station is parodying/ripping-off/crapping-all-over the police station scene from the FIRST "Terminator".....wow!


well, this explains some of it...!
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Crypto Dentist - almost 4 years ago
4 laughs

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I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this, but personally this movie was harder to get through than Castle of Fu Manchu. It's just... awful.


Jenica Burgos - over 3 years ago
8 laughs

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This movie is weirdly adorable.


A Lush Cocktail Rescue - almost 4 years ago
3 laughs

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Awful. Simply awful.


Ted Chase - almost 4 years ago
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Love that this movie tried to do both killer alien cyborg, hand-to-hand combat, AND dinosaurs - all with a budget that wouldn't be enough for a student film...


killershrew - about 4 years ago
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just watched this again for the first time in a long time...and is now one of my instant favorites...the riffs are so great and such a terrible film. although this has some of the best action scenes of any mst3k movie. though i suppose that's not saying much. "i found part of a burger, wanted to know if i can eat it? it's not that dirty. split it with ya?"


Jon - about 4 years ago
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My favorite character is the French resistance fighter.


Bruce Ellsworth Reed - about 4 years ago
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I can't believe anyone or a set of anyone's actually came up with that plot! They must have been stoned that day. Silly ppl, you can't teach lizards! It took 10 minutes to kill the android in the first part of the movie but only an empty cardboard box to kill a dinosaur? *groan* Take me away Kalga!


Bruce Ellsworth Reed - about 4 years ago
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Everyone that has sat through this entire movie deserves a "Valorous Badge of Valorous Conduct!" *g* Please see Pearl for purchase.


James Krummel - about 4 years ago
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Wow. Just...wow. How was this movie even approved? Stuff like this just boggles the mind. What's even worse is this was a recent (for MST that is) release. '97?! Can you imagine if Jurassic Park used these effect guys? Actually, I want to see that now... :P


Phil Carstens - about 4 years ago
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The shot at 22:32, is that forced perspective and a hand puppet? Good God, the people who made this movie make Ed Wood seem like a cinematic genius.


Ash Parker - over 4 years ago
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Fantastic riffs in the beginning "save the meatballs!" And "this happens twice a day". The movie is god awful but might be one of the better riffs I have heard


Daniel Durham - over 4 years ago
3 laughs

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i really wanted to like this episode. really... the riffing is great but the film itself is just so horrible it goes way beyond the concept of being so bad it is good.


14 laughs

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The scrapbook in this movie has to be one of the absolute worst plot devices in the history of the cinema. Who keeps a scrapbook of photos from when they were a junkie prostitute? And where would they get the photos?? Movie, you have some 'splainin' to do!


Zap Rowsdower - over 4 years ago
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Pearl Forrester and her wacky MKULTRA studies...


SirenR - over 4 years ago
10 laughs

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LOL I absolutely love it when the guys just laugh.


Michael S - over 4 years ago
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sooooo (to paraphrase Crow).... other than the time frame is not in the future, and it has no actual war in the film, the name is a perfect description of the film and what it is about... [considering slamming head into wall as it would be less painful than watching this movie]


Michael S - over 4 years ago
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I'll be darned, the candy bar did change!


Fredrick Stafford - over 4 years ago
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I hope to see you all at the annual Fred Burroughs Memorial Pipe Smoking Breakfast and Dinosaur Hunt. Unfortunately, Sister Ann is “indisposed” again this year (rehab), however, “The 12th Street Gang” will perform, a finance lecture will be given by Chadwick, and The Runaway will stage kickboxing bouts with the kids! Come join the fun!


Fancy Pantserton - almost 5 years ago
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.,..this is almost like a lamer version of battlefield earth...and that's saying something: L. Ron Hubbard was a hack. He started a religion on a bet you know. He is one of those writers that writes a whole lot, but produces nothing but tripe and crap, like stephen king...so, yes, saying this is lamer is saying something, but it's more appealing somehow...


Kelly Slane - almost 5 years ago
5 laughs

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Gotta love movie nuns! ;)


Nick - over 5 years ago
7 laughs

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Daniel Bernhardt had about five minutes of mainstream success as one of the three agents Neo fights with at the beginning of The Matrix Reloaded.


Stereo Catz - almost 5 years ago
6 laughs

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God I hope the master race doesn't have gay porn mustaches and mullets.


Gal Dagon - about 5 years ago
11 laughs

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"Three lesbians on a dangerous mission." That actually sounds like a much better movie.


Stephen - almost 5 years ago
8 laughs

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25:30 "What've we've got?"
I'm sorry, no. That is not the corrects English. I would've accepted've:
"What've we got?" or "What do we got?", but not "What've we've got?"


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Narcotic Casserole is terrible, but still better than most of the college bands I used to hang out with.


Stereo Catz - almost 5 years ago
3 laughs

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T-Dog from The Walking Dead is always getting devoured by something.


Stereo Catz - almost 5 years ago
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Terminator + Universal Soldier + Dinosaurs - Several Hundred Million Dollars = Future War


Stereo Catz - almost 5 years ago
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There's always a lot of violence at the empty box warehouse.


Stephen - over 5 years ago
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In terms of riffing the credits, this is probably their best effort.


Gal Dagon - about 5 years ago
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We've established how to communicate 'yes' and 'no' that's great! Now, where are you from? Whoever wrote this deserves a swift kick in the face.