"Hello, this is Watkins."
"YEAH, LIKE THE BEER!"

A letter from Ed McMahon! You may already be a winner!

I think I'll check the rat traps...no, no dinner

We cannot let this be --- the End
Oh, yes we can!!

He's going to get a DWI...driving while invisible!

I'm a physician...
Yeah, Claus von Bulo!!

Ooh, you taste like a fat, drunk Russian! Neat.

"They were saving you for the big one." Me! "And here's the big one." ZZZZZIP!

"Mee meep!"

"You know, I kind of like that Sting guy. He did that song about us and our children. He didn't have to do that."

"Don't let this building be a metaphor for our love."

"Could you say that a little more woodenly?"

"Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing you, but I met this college girl from Minsk..."

"But I didn't think Moscow believed in tears."

"Now dees' ees my interpretation of the specials for the evening. The flagellation from my arms will tell you to enjoy the roast pork, or the shish kabob."

"An amiable chap with soft skin and liquid brown eyes."

"Psst! Hey, when this guy quits passin' gas let's knock off for lunch!"

"'Crashing Timbers'? Isn't that a place in The Poconos?"

[Bela Lugosi voice] He's no good for light dusting, but on heavy jobs he's just wonderful

Now remember guy's, this was filmed in color it's just that everything in Russia is grey

The cheese is cold think they could nuke this for me? Heh Heh

Suddenly, Ivan tells a salty joke involving an elephant and a ladder. i can't repeat it but the punchline is, "What, and give up show business?!"

i think i'll check the rat trap. Nope, no dinner tonite.

Get bent! Is that official enough for you?

Hey, they got Asteroids! (video game)

Finally get my stereo tuned up and its this new wave crap

It's the new 1953 Buick special, handles like a dream you'll arrive at the apocalypse in style

I'd love to hang around for all the danger but i got an early eight o'clock

Voting in Russia?

Mind if i mooch off your fentoozler ?

The white zone is for loading and unloading of spy's only

Like the old saying goes; Walk invisibly, carry a big stick

Oh be proud you shot a spider, thank you John Goodman

Is that Raúl Juliá?

Hey... woman was humiliated here! She was condescended to and then someone used sarcasm!

Now limbo! How low can you go?
Well, we know how low she can go...

Commie scat

JOEL: Which early-'60s CIA covert operation was considered their greatest failure of the decade?
CROW: Uh, the Kennedy assassination!
JOEL: No, I'm afraid that one was a success.

Trim-Jeans theatre presents...

Still beating the bushes here, boss!!!

Kind of a weird idea of foreplay but when in Rome....

LAME!!!!

Now, is creeps a verb or a noun in this?
I think it's a French pancake.

"Something big is up."
Little man.

Pause.

Mmm... Fresh delicious tree ripened girls.

"On the surface Manston was calm...."
"...but underneath it was just like a bus ride in the tenth grade, if you know what I mean."

That's my boss - always goin' on about his life of danger, but look who does all the driving! We'll be right back.

"Well, I guess I have to trust you." You're the only other character.

Wow. This is really dull.

If you're going to keep playing that music, torch us now. Set fire to everything.

Kenny G in Russia... take a listen

This is the real Russia! After Hours! When all the lights are red!

Hmmm...there's a commercial behind this bush!

"..this country will witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen" You mean an actor becoming president?

Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a screeching halt.

Hmm, crickets. I think I'll name my band that!

"I have no need to tell you that if you're caught, we'll have to say that we never heard of you." -- It'll be as if you were on the Thick of the Night show.

"Help me."

♫R-O-C-K-E-T in the USA! R-O-C-K-E-T in the USA!♫

"What's up?"
Your number, pink boy.

(sounds like a hissing mic) "Hey, Mildred, c'mere and listen to this."
(hissing voice) I can't, I'm busy right now.

He's almost as visible as I was when I was President.

*Scream* That sounds like Bill.

"This is an antidote that I prepared for such an event as this." -- It's an amusing little anecdote.

Rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Movie guy: "Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss the murder of five or six million others."

Joel: "That's why we've GOT to CRUSH THEM!"

Woah! Put some commas in there!

Somebody please slap the snooze.

This one here is too much. "Yeah, you're high."

Slim Fast? One delicious shake in the morning and my hair falls out in the evening.

Darn old apocalypse. I just ignore them.

Uh, number 4, gas is prepay after 9pm.

No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car parking sequence!

Oh, he said EXCEPT for the false ones!

Well don't lean back in that chair for one..,

We have to remember to pray for him.

“…(he’s a spy)…”

“Incidentally, destroy that after you've read it.”
” I’ll throw it away, actually.”

I wish we could see what's going on in that brain of his - well, let's crack it open and take a look.

One of our best pilots will take you in a special civilian plane - and then push you out the back, screaming.

We had a few rough moments - but we couldn't afford to show them in the film.

"Saay... your all business aren't ya, I like that."

OFFICER: "i was talking to the guy prowlin around here, something hit me from behind and he got away."

CROW: " I looove that story. Now let's get moving."

"Send this message in code to all our foreign operators:" bblllghhghgbllghgbbbllllgghhh!

"Get bent!" Is that official enough for ya?

Secret entrance? Looks like the front door to me.

The grass really is greener on the red side of the fence.

This music sure implies that there's something exciting about to happen.

Boris picks up a sandwich and moves to the map.

That's why we've got to CRUSH them!

Welcome to Death Valley Days.

I didn't think you'd mind if I took the last parachute.

KENNYYYYY!!!!!

We're on the 3rd Green at the Kremlin!

'When Joseph gets drunk he comes here...and for your own sake I don't think you want to overhear some of the things that happen!' "Hey Listen! I'll only watch till i run out of Quarters!"

'What are your plans?' "You just burned my plans!"

How many nights must i wait for my man?!?

Hey that couple came in after that guy and they've already eaten!

Flaming Black Russians!!!

and now funny man Yakov Smirnoff

I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER PLEASE!

I'd like to order please!!!

This is the real Russia...after hours...when all the lights are Red!

Oh Wow! 3 drinks and a show!

But it was the Little Plane That Could!

'Sit down'..."You can have the Chair of Shame!"

Well thanks Bob! We all have our Cyanide pills ready...

We also believe for every drop of rain that falls..a flower grows!

'Is he dead? No, just stunned!' "Stunned!!! He took 6 bullets!"

Would you please turn off the Little Rascals music?!?

That's My Boss!

Would you put your hands down!!

Well the old clock on the wall says it's time for Longines Symphonette...

Coincidence? Read the Book!!!

"COLON"

'The man seems to be in a coma' "He watched the 1st reel of the film!"

'Captain West my paper would an official statement from you.' "Get Bent! Is that official enough for you?!?"

Wait, wait a minute! I'm kissing my own hand!

Let's knock off for some donuts!

They're the chunkiest couple on the block.

Announcer: ...if caught they could pretend to be two civilians...
-waking up in each others arms.

Character: You were being saved for the big one
...me!

"Well, Captain, as long as he didn't get inside. . ."
"I got to third base, if that tells you anything."

"Ford BEEBE! Ford BEEEEBEEE!!"

"No, you can't print anything I don't tell ya." Oh a police-state, neat.

[car starts] It's Christine!

Hmm, there's a commercial behind this bush.

Did I forget to tell you to throw it? I'm alright! I'm ok!

"I never thought the end of the world would be so boring."

"Uhh, You taste like a fat, drunk Russian"

",,,with a death toll of over three million." Just another day in the Big Apple.

The general is asking for hamburgers instead of chili peppers; they burn his gut. He'd really like a hamburger and some french fried potatoes!

Ivan, uh, attempts to sell Amway products to his unwitting guests.

"I was counting very heavily on this." Why, I nearly expressed an emotion back there!

Yeah, peace. It's a real bitch.

We're on the third green at the Kremlin...

You talked me into it!

Oh, they can't even afford to burn paper in this film.

I wonder who that could be in the middle of Russia and everything...

You can't really tell from this shot, but that's exactly what he was thinking.

"The range of the little plane was not significant..." but it was the Little Plane That Could.

I'm kind of busy right now!

And the people who helped make this collection of stock footage possible!

1928 Porter. That's my mother dear.
Doesn't she help you through everything you do?
I'm so glad she's here.

LAME.

"Nevermind the guards." What about the bullets?

I will never love again...

You did the crosswords, you fool!

Luckily, the Policeman's Picnic was just over the hill.

Oh, Professor Firefly, it's not my size!

"My car is back there in the trees." How'd it get in the trees??

"Well, thanks, Bob. I think we all have our cyanide tablets ready."

"You're going to have to die alone, Dear. I can't take you by the hand for everything."

See this is what I'm talking about, Commie Scat.

It's the Pope on banjo!

Schnell! oops...

Joel: Could you state that in a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?' Tom Servo: DUCK AND COVER-AH-AH-AH-Ahgrah!!

Lots of Ansel Adams-esque scenery in this, isn't there?

I'm standing in a shotgun shack in another part of the world. But this is not my beautiful wife--

Meanwhile in a Frank Lloyd Wright building nearby...

FORD BEEBE!! FORD BEEBE!!

crow: ya know, for a robot, he's got a really flat butt.

"Yes, sir. Yes, sir"
Three bags full!

Spit it out, son. You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.

Remember, the film is in color, it's just that everything is grey in Russia.

That's my boss, always taking us on these kooky adventures. But I'll be back later.

I was going to use his skull, but I welded a phone to it. Wasn't that puckish of me?

"[cough] Fat Freddy's Cat... heh..."

"Hey listen, I'll only watch until I run out of quarters, okay?"

"I... would like... to order... Please!"

"Remember, when you're taking snaps on holiday, don't cut off the subject's head!"

Still shakin the bushes, boss...

"Bungee Jumping: Sport of Fools."

"Paris this year says, 'Newsprint, Newsprint, Newsprint-- Yards of it!!' "

Dietetic photography by Mike Tabb.

"I toldja there was something queer about this place." Yeah, it's Oscar Wilde's birthplace. So what?

Those are missiles, not taxis.

"Did Morris give you the TNT?" He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T...and I had the A.

"We've whipped the problem with the skin friction on the warhead..." Ummm, are we talking about the same thing here buddy?

"Leave go of me." You mean let go.

"Because Helen's my imaginary friend, she not real, you keep doing this to me."

"THANKS COMRADE !!"

"HA, I kill me, and others too."

"He's going to get a DWI, driving while invisible."

See ya Sis.

It must be a stealth missile, there's no shadow.

Tor Johnson Jr. says 'Da'.

Sorry I blew up like that.

Those are missiles not taxis.

"I can't work over the phone like they can..." You know my voice is badly dubbed.

It's the land-lubbin' mother pigeon of all phantom creeps!!

Let me help you. It's a child-proof bomb. You have to push down and turn!

[It's alright Captain, as long as he didn't get inside] Well, I got to third, if that counts for anything!

I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.

No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence.

If this follow spot keeps up with me, i'm gonna have to do a number! Ugh, let's see, one of my Judy Garland favorites...

"So we were just switching to radar controls and everything went boom." - Uh, could you put that into layman's terms, please?

This is the real Russia, after hours, when all the lights are red.

This is my mailing list. If you're interested, I'm selling it. Notice the perfect demographic.

Hey they invented Asteroids, check it out!

Suddenly I'm thirsty for a Ka¢e. And it's only a penny!

"Did anyone see you?"
"Naw, just the guy in the club, the belly-dancer, the fire-eater, the cab driver, everyone on the street and the guy filming this. Besides that, no one."

"Is he dead?" "No, just stunned." Stunned?? He took six bullets!!!

Take this you Damn dirty Red apes....

It's raw pork,.... he'll know what it means...

~ There's a train that leaves @ 8:30 ~
" Be under it "

Oh my dear lack of GOD, I feel sick....

"Spit it out, man. You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples."

"We cannot let this be The End!" OH YES WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Extra! Extra! Fire hydrant attacked by newspaper!

Try to move her spine around as much as possible.

Fresh, delicious, tree-ripened girls!

And Vladovia Zaraleffneknek as the Commie Scum

Suddenly, Ivan tells a salty joke involving an elephant and a ladder- I can't repeat it, but the punchline was "what, and give up show business??"

Then coat yourself with bear grease and cluck like a chicken.

These two- don't get me started! I just fused their pelvises together. Oh boooy...

"Get bent" is that official enough for you?

Stunned?! He took six bullets!

Now, is "creeps" a verb or a noun in this?
I think it's a French pancake.

"There it is!" ...'nt

oh I hate to shoot a butt like that.

hey! could somebody get into the shot please!?

usually I just get the puppy drunk.

Oh, that! My lederhosen just came back from the cleaners.

This was my most fiendish experiment. I connected these two by the frame. Very expensive.

This is my skull. Stick around, and find out how that could have happened.

"Now how do you feel about spontaneous combustion?"