313 - Earth vs. the Spider
Full Episode: | |
Best of: | |
Short - Speech: Using Your Voice: | |
Original Movie: |
Comments (105) Best Riffs (235)
Riffs you quote here will appear randomly in the above.

[Crow's "newsreel announcer" voice]
Big, sweaty men working long hours to get the job done, desperately in need of Aqua Velva!

[car with a "just married" banner is laying on its side]
Oh, man - they could've waited until they got to the hotel...

This music is making me retch, Mom. Turn it off.

'Whats that noise?'
'I dont know, maybe something unspeakably horrible. Oh its just a theremin.'
Ah! I see they got the teacher from Ferris Bueller to instruct the effective speech class.

"It's all right. Everything's out of the cavern. I checked."
Oh, yeah. You checked last time too, Dick-weed. Don't you remember?
(Carole's dad dies in the first scene.) I guess the film is not about him.

Oh! This will cure his depression, you see.

"Carol, it's them!" Not Them! Not the big ants!!

All night long, plaque works on your teeth...

Hey, did the Earth move for you, honey? That was great!

"We're just kids..." What are you talking about? You're 42!

"Usually when nature produces a freak it dies immediately because it can't adapt to its environment." Oh, like Hudson Hawk.

Aww, nonsense. Probably some out of town circus act set that up.

I know that theremin is around here somewhere...

Wait a sec. I gotta... "Mike and Carol were here" Okay, let's go.

Oh, it's only a process shot, honey. Don't worry. It's nowhere near us.

It's the cave of The Flying Wallendas!

So maybe he got in there and he found a bag of groceries and a mattress. And maybe there's a lamp and a phone and stuff. And maybe probably met a really nice old couple who cooked him breakfast and made sure that -- *yoink*

Okay, okay. So maybe... Maybe your dad just parked the truck down there, and, like, vandal squirrels came in and ripped the door off and broke the windshield and stuff?
It could happen.
"Batman loves Robin!! Penguin bites!!"
I can't read the rest....
Wait, wait, I made a deal with the DA!!
Earth Verses, by Walt Whitman
"The first thing that every speaker should do, is to learn the three basic aims of public speaking."
-Lie, Lie, and Lie!
-...and check your zipper!

"Carol-arol! Mike-ike!" -- You didn't clean up your rooms like your mothers asked you to. you to you to you to

Crow: Well, that was a pivotal scene in the film.
Tom: Yeah... plot point.
"...Attack of the Citizen Kane... ."
(The quality of Crow's presentation is seldom surpassed in today's colleges and universities .)

Ok, you're right, he's dead. Why can't I ever win an argument?

"Wait fo' da' beep... Wait fo' da' beep... ♪ ♬ Nobody's home... ♬ Nobody's home..." ♬ ♪

Whoops! Slipped on a little of Your Dad there...I'll have to throw My Shoe in the Grave....
Oh hey neat, I just put my foot in a pile of goo that was once your dad's face... Now I know what to do
Use plenty of Lip and Tongue action.
Ahem....cough cough......welll um......

I've just remembered: I've got a candy bar with me! What are YOU gonna have?
"Operator, I've been cut off--" by the bartender more times than you can count!
Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch, look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over!

I'm sorry, but I thought it had no texture.
Well I planned that.
Oh yo... well then... nice!
So I left for frisco with my bug and a pound of high grade weed!

He's got it all wrong: he's the dummy AND the ventriloquist!
I was under da bleachers at da ballgame and, uh, that's when da cop chased me and asked me what I was doin', uh, pretty much...

"Joe Doakes: He wasn't a very good driver."

"Oh, the snap's in the front, you dummy!"

"Yeah, good thing he was thrown through the windshield!"

"Put out some chips or something. Didn't your mother teach you anything?!"

"Don't open beer bottles with your teeth."

"Ah, Garrison Keillor!"
"He's got it all wrong. He's the dummy, and the ventriloquist!"

"Lie, lie, and lie."
"And check your zipper."
Send down a body bag, and make sure there's room for a bracelet.
"I wouldn't handle it if I were you. It might have rabies." - Or girl germs!
That dad of mine, he's so thoughtful. And a nightgown too!
Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?
Or else he's on the side of the road, his head caved in like a ripe melon, face down in a pool of his--Hey! What'd I say?!
Oops, ah, slipped on a little of your dad there--I'll have to throw my shoe in the grave. Haha!
"The trouble with most of the speakers that we've heard can be traced to one thing..."
Tight underthings.
"You can't go back there now, the place is full of gas."
That was me, I'm sorry.
Great effects - he's climbing on a postcard!
I know that theromin's around here somewhere...
"Look there's a HAMMER and a SICKLE in that eye, BEWARE." (13:56)

Uh, Joel... Joel, I've got news for you. KISS were never cool.
did you know... i have little bunnies painted on my knees, i do.
"There's an opening down here!"
-Oh, cool, well fill out an application.

I don't want you to get bad grades just because your dad's worm food.

Dial 1-800-BoringBoyfriend. He'd love to talk to you about his uncle from Millwaukee right now!

Ugh ugh! Gorog write screenplay! Uuugh!

Shame on you Burt I Gordon!

Speech! Speech! Speech!
Let me tell ya a little about myself,I drive a truck,I'm butt ugly,and i hate spiders.
Well here's young George Patton,a patriot and into high grade weed!
Let's see... Jeff Daniels...Jeff Daniels....not here. We're good!
1 reply
Report
I don't know about everyone else but I find something oddly charming about these giant mutant what-have-you movies.
Report
Just what does Carol see in Mike? He consistently insulted her father after he had gone missing and, when she wanted to go to the cave to look for the bracelet, he whines and says that he'd rather watch the new movie that just came to the theater. Dude is a selfish weenie.
1 reply
Report
Did anyone notice the extra r on "starring" at start of movie when credits first roll?
3 replies
Report
How is the cave supposedly LIT?
Report
Maybe the giant spider came out from the same underground cave as the Black Scorpion a couple seasons ago!
2 replies
Report
After watching this feast for the eyes again today, I was particularly annoyed by Carol's mom, played by June Jocelyn. Her vapid yammering sounded vaguely familiar, and indeed, a quick trip to IMDB confirmed she had provided the vapid yammering about Lori and her coat in War of the Colossal Beast. In fact, in the stellar year of 1958 she appeared in three classics in a row: War of the Colossal Beast, Teen-Age Caveman and Earth vs. the Spider. She had also appeared in The Amazing Colossal Man. So, out of the dusty vaults of MST3K history appeared a four-time veteran. Well done!
Report
Say what you will about the short, but imagine what early instruction to speak clearly and pleasantly, without letting your voice get high and shrill, could have done for Kathy Ireland.
3 replies
Report
Do you think soup is a biped?
2 replies
Report
I can't believe they made it through the whole thing without referencing Spider-Man (was really expecting that when they found the giant web across the road) or Charlotte.
Also: *pushes up nerd glasses* The movie's supposed spider expert kept calling it an insect. Insects have six legs. Spiders are arachnids. Any high school science teacher should know that.
1 reply
Report
While I was watching this time, I noticed that the actor playing Joe looked a lot like the actor playing Hugo the janitor. I looked it up on IMDb and Joe is played by Troy Patterson. Hugo is played by Hank Patterson.
It doesn't say that they're related, but they easily could have been. Troy Patterson was born in 1923. Hank Patterson was born in 1888.
Oh, and Hank Patterson was in Green Acres, Beverly Hillbillies and Petticoat Junction.
Report
Oh, boys and their wire racks.
1 reply
Report
18:18 Woah, guys, check it out! The writing on the chalkboard is in German!
Report
Okay, we'll go back to the cave to look for your bracelet. Do you want to bring the flashlight or shall I? Tell you what, why don't we both bring flashlights. That will make it easier to see in the dark.
Report
I like high-school student Joe's wedding ring.
2 replies
Report
This must be the VERY remedial school, lol. Some of these "high school kids" look like they're closing in on 40.
Report
Wanna go for it in the truck, Simpson? LOL
2 replies
Report
Okay... what's up with the guy in the background at 1:21:47 saying, "Doesn't that belong to the drummer in Def Leppard?" Am I the only one hearing this? (I'm watching Link 1)
Report
I don't know how many times I've watched this but only just now caught Frank calling Dr. Forrester "Your Trumpness." Oh Frank, you were wiser than we knew...
Report
every suggestion the professor makes ends horribly; bring the spider to town, bad idea! tells wife not to leave the house, bad idea! blow up the cave, bad idea! why did anyone listen to that guy, idiot..
Report
Get ready to root for the Bad Guy....
Report
@ 1:17:35 Ummm, just in case there are any young marrieds watching, your actually watching YOUR marriage in just a few years.
5 replies
Report
Carol's dad, who has no lines and gets killed in the first moments...
THAT'S MERRITT STONE!!
5 replies
Report
I have to agree with Joel about some kids ruining toys for the rest of us. We all knew that fireworks and lawn darts and stuff were dangerous, that's what made them more fun to play with. Of course parental supervision was highly important but i remember being young and the only kids who really hurt themselves were the ones so dumb they would have gotten hurt somehow anyways. ( backyard wrestling anyone )
1 reply
Report
Jeez, her dad takes ELABORATE measures to masturbate in peace in a cave and she STILL finds a way to nose her way in and interrupt him during his ritualistic fapping! Dont listen to your wives gentlemen, never have kids!
Report
"Toward Maple Street!"
EAT IT, MOVIE! Seriously, for shame! Turn your hideous face away and don't you dare even *think* of Mr. Rod Serling, you are not worthy!
2 replies
Report
I've said this elsewhere, but I think people are unfair to her about the bracelet. Think about it:
You're 17. Young enough to still depend on your parents, but old enough to have a more mature understanding of love. A child just getting ready to leave the nest. Your father, in his devotion to you, makes a long trip along dark country roads for the sole purpose of buying you a birthday present. Your worries about him prove true when you personally find a trail of clues that builds inevitably to you finding his dead body. The monster that killed him attacks, and, in the panic, you lose the gift. His last gift to you. He died trying to bring it to you. People tell you it's not your fault, but in your heart you can't bring yourself to believe it. He never would have risked that trip if not for love of you. You're still trying to deal with the shock and trauma of finding his body, and your grief at his sudden loss. That bracelet is the focus of it all. His love, his death, his sacrifice, your guilt... He died to bring it to you, and you lost it. There's nothing you can do to bring him back, but that bracelet... You have to get it back.
That's all established in the film. Why do people blame her and call her selfish and dismiss the bracelet as just another piece of jewelry?
Besides, she had no idea they were going to blow up the cave. At the time she left, the idea hadn't even been proposed. (Actually, at that point, didn't they think the pesticides had done the job?) She had no idea she was endangering anyone else.
Report
Poor Dr. Erhardt
Report
I actually kind of like this movie.
2 replies
Report
I love the way the 'Bots giggle during the short when the speaker say to "use plenty of lip and tongue action"...
Report
EUGH, DON'T OPEN BEER BOTTLES WITH YOUR TEETH
Report
E.C Bueller ? Must be his day off
Report
Okay so there's this awkward pause after the Mads say "Thank you!" in unison during the invention exchange. Before, I always thought that they were supposed to have realized that Joel was insulting them, but it suddenly occurred to me that Frank and Dr. Forrester were making a reference to Season 1, and it made them feel uncomfortable.
Sorry, it's late at night and I hope that this comment makes sense.
3 replies
Report
When they are removing Carol's Dad's remains in the cave they ignore the other human remains, skeletons, skulls, and never broach the subject of these bones?
3 replies
Report
approximately 49:45
So let me get this straight. Her dad dies suddenly and horribly and her mom is just "Oh well, back on the horse kiddo. Do that homework and get those grades up."
.......The Hell?
1 reply
Report
WOW! My name is Cagle.
Report
The kids are named Carol and Mike - and no Brady Bunch jokes?
1 reply
Report
Would there be copyright issues with showing movies other than his own in the theater? I'm sure there's some shameless self-promotion going on, but would Bert I. Gordon have been required to pay royalties if he showed the posters for other movies?
2 replies
Report
1:28:36 No, no, no, a thousand times no! The cilia on the spider's feet would be way too big for the Van der Waal forces to work! That spider just ain't climbing no wall!
1 reply
Report
I love their faces when they said "the CURD-less phone". I love bad puns!
3 replies
Report
In that short, the guy giving advice on speaking has one of the worst speaking voices ever, a dull monotone that's guaranteed to put listeners to sleep.
3 replies
Report
An ostritsh in the jungle? Poor thing must have been lost.
Report
Boris! Boris! Boris! Boris!
Report
So I watched "Speech: Using Your Voice" on Friday morning and later that afternoon heard Pierre Trudeau welcoming Syrians to Canada but ALL I COULD HEAR was his use of "uh" every other word. All I could think of was the "local static" in the headhunter's story about ostriches.
Report
For those so inclined, 'Attack of the Puppet People' is available for free (with commercial interruptions) on Youtube. Apparently Bert I was really exploring cross advertising because Puppet People features John Agar and the blond of the moment, at a drive in watching 'The Amazing Colossal Man'.
Report
1:23:20 I know you guys are stressed out, but there's no need to cuss!
Report
Who's the guy that plays Mr. Haskell AKA the road foreman AKA Crackle? He sounds familiar, but I can't place the voice...
Report
40:55 "PDQASAPUSOB"? Please Don't Quit Asking Sam About Poisoning the Uber-Spider, Oh Baby?
Report
Anyone ever notice that the notes Dr. Forrester sifts through right before the invention exchange are actually slices of American cheese?
Report
although the science teachers implies that while talking with the sherif on the phone.
2 replies
Report
Ooh... They compare the sheriff in this episode to Alan Hale. But in their next giant spider movie The Giant Spider Invasion the sheriff actually IS Alan Hale. Spooky.
1 reply
Report
Lawn Darts are a little bit different story The kid of the guy who got lawn darts banned didn't go running to daddy because she was dead. Lawn darts friggin kill people so I'm not putting those on the same shelf as creepy crawlers. .
Report
I recognized the back lot this was filmed in from the movie Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and that giant teen movie with Tommy Kirk.
3 replies
Report
YOu know, it does seem a bit insensitive when her mom tells Carol that Mike is at his dad's theater as she's lamenting her dead pop. I mean, come on Mom!
1 reply
Report
Pause the movie at 56:05. The drummer's facial expression is possibly my favorite part of this entire movie.
Report
While the kids are lost in the cavern with the spider, the sherrif reassures the girls mom. He says that the kids have good sense. Where's the evidence for that?
Report
This episode is criminally underappreciated.
3 replies
Report
Sheesh ... another one. 38:40 - bat harmlessly flapping around in its natural habitat, and the moment the sherrif sees it he opens fire.
What is it with all these movies where everything the slightest bit unusual or unexpected is greeted with a hail of bullets from the good guys if not the hero? Anyone would think every problem can be solved by shooting it.
Report
Ed Kemmer, our science teacher, was a fighter pilot in WWII. He evaded capture for two weeks after escaping a POW camp. Apparently there were a lot of greatest generation folks ( including Ed Wood) in those B movies.
2 replies
Report
Around, 50:00ish, when he's talking about that new picture, "something about Puppet People"...
http://www.rifftrax.com/attack-of-the-puppet-people
3 replies
Report
Joel's cheese phone was invented in the same month and year as I was born! Coincidence? Read the book.
Also, I like the nod to the Forrester/Earhardt days.
4 replies
Report
The really realistic part of this flick (once you get past the notion of a tarantula the size of a city block that doesn't collapse into jelly from its own massive body-weight) was the way it powered through the brick wall at the school to gobble up the janitor but was unable to make it through the clapboarding at the science teacher's house to get the wife and kid. The tragedy here is that I remember when these goofy 50's sci-fi flicks scared the ever-loving crap out of me. I hang my head in shame.
1 reply
Report
I just realized, they showed a clip from this movie in lilo & stitch.
2 replies
Report
Hey... was that a house glued to a Klingon ship with an American flag @ 46:23?
Genius!
1 reply
Report
What is that at 57:18? It sounds like Servo is saying something but Kevin's mike isn't picking it up.
1 reply
Report
at about 1:21 when the hand comes out of the rubble Tom says "Doesnt that belong to the drummer from def lepard" in case anyone was wondering
7 replies
Report
Did teenage actors just not exsist in the '50s?
1 reply
Report
"Don't you wish you had some women?" They have a Cybernetic Remotely Operated Woman.
2 replies
Report
DDT may not kill giant spiders, but at least they don't have to worry about any bald-eagles for a few generations.
Report
42:33 Joel: Dr. Erhardt NO!! So that's what happened to him.
:)
1 reply
Report
Funny thing is, they did revive the Creepy Crawlers maker in the 90s, just a safer version. My friend had one, and I remember that smell! According to the internets, it came out the year after this ep was shown.
Report
...but then, as he says, "I think I ate all the whole thing." Joel's invention exchange presentation only took a minute. It's funny to imagine Frank furiously gobbling cheese while Dr. F's back is turned watching Joel. That is all.
2 replies
Report
While watching this I actually had a spider crawl up my foot. Timing is everything!... and the spider was released into the great outdoors as I did not want its mother showing up looking for it (you never know...)
1 reply
Report
"Yes, Gentle Giant, King Crimson and Emerson Lake and Palmer" - some of my favorite bands! This episode just got much more respect from me
Report
My computer gets a RAM chip for being such a good robot and playing MST3K for me.
Report
Hahaha the spider is voiced by Roger Waters!
Report
HA! The poster for 'The Amazing Colossal Man' at 50:18. Nice.
Report
Movie: "What's that noise?"
Servo: "I dunno, maybe something unspeakably horrible."
Report
I did an actual spit take. Thank you, mst3k!
3 replies
Report
I wonder if that 40-yr. old kid got his car back lol...P/S. and why did the spiders victims always have white hair? It suck there life juices outta them not aged them to death lol
Report
Oh, great, so you spend your adolescence with a bunch of geeky losers and now that's our cross to bear?
Report
I'm blowing my hair while I'm blowing my mind!
Report
If they can't pronounce something, they should reference it, period
Report
Crow's "Enjoy!" @~43m is the best Erhardt tribute ever.
3 replies
Report
"Earth vs. Soup" sounds way better than some of the turkeys they were subjected to.
7 replies
Report
I grew up in the 90s and played with Creepy Crawlers when they were revived. Now I feel like I owe Joel and the bots ...Of course, mine was much safer ...But I do remember a home smelter that made tiny figurines. That sounded like a fun accident waiting to happen.
Report
45:38 Crow speaks the truth.
2 replies
Report
Good thing the janitor doesn't work at a hotel. Absolutely no chin at all. It would take him 30 minutes to change a pillowcase.
3 replies
Report
I JUST got "Carol'sDad's Caverns"... I've been to Carlsbad years and years ago, and I JUST got that now...
Report
I will forgive the slams on KISS :)
1 reply
Report
Gary Bussy? what you talkin bout servo?
2 replies
Report
Between me and my two older brothers we had every toy mentioned in the creepy crawlie sketch except the lawn darts. I remember pressing silly putty on the newspaper cartoons, my brother waking me and my sister up for school with that ugly black air blaster and burning myself making Incredible Edibles (that tasted better than the cakes I 'baked' in my Easy Bake oven.
2 replies
Report
The spider sounds like Gypsy when Josh Weinstein did her voice!
1 reply
Report
Great acting by Hank Patterson AKA Fred Ziffel from "Green Acres."
1 reply
Report
I like a good Batman joke!
2 replies
Report
Nice 48 star US flag.(11:46)
Report
I have to say I love every time Joel yanks Crow out of the theater!
Report
the first part about good speech made me totally hysterical. Had to watch it twice.
Report
Spy vs Spy... Cuz they look like Trumpy in black and white... Heh...
1 reply
Report
Sure was thoughtful of the spider to string up all those lights in the cave.
Report
so we are looking for a drunk spider
Report
This is my favorite short- ever. "Don't worry, we've had him put down."
1 reply
Report
Hey, is the guy in the Short the same guy on the Speech and Posture short in Red Zone Cuba?
1 reply
Report
So, it's either "Earth VS the Spider" or "Arachnophobia". Eitherway, some milquetoaste actor gets the boid... er, spider.
1 reply
Report
I'm using lots of lip and tongue action right now!
Report
The short's the best part of this, but watch the movie-- you'll laugh (at the humans) you'll cry (for the spider.)