A pair of colt 1911s attached by a chain: Gunchucks

Two hypodermic needles filled with procaine strung together with rope: Numbchucks

Two horseback raiders of the Asian grasslands tethered with cable: Hunchucks

A pair of sci-fi direct-energy weapons connected with wire: Set it to Stunchucks.

The two hot girls from your high-school who wouldn't go to prom with you tied with cord: Shunchucks

A pair of Nolan and Johnson's dystopic/ageist future characters doomed from birth by the constraints of a desperate society trying to cope with an over taxed ecosystem shackled with lanyard: Logan's Runchucks.

Max is a piece of crap for putting moves on Holly just minutes after she was almost raped. What's worse is SHE apologizes to him! But then,she immediately goes on to make a suggestive comment about coming to see him at the motel. Because that's how most women react after surviving an attack; at least, they do when a sexist writer for a tv show writes the script.

So, they eliminate Mr. Chan and his two bodyguards and this wiped out all organized crime in San Francisco?

What's up with the 12-year-old mob-boss, Mr. Chan, and his meaningful pauses?

"Your father and I have some... business... to discuss."

"She's a little scared, but that's only... natural."

"Both you and I understand that you're going to... cooperate."

What exactly are the double-meanings supposed to be here?

**MST3K FAN EXCLUSIVE** 30 Year Anniversary NEW Fan Based Show Opening. This is a version NEVER seen on TV. I encourage you to watch it to the very end. 2:34, the real hardcore MSTIES should appreciate it. Do hope everyone will. What episode is the final clip from? ENJOY....
https://youtu.be/IDu4AgDp_bM

All right, I'll admit it... between the silliness and over-the-top dialogue, I actually got a kick out of the film even without the riffing.

master ninja theme song!

Lee Van Cleef gives all of us guys aged 40+, and our ninja aspirations, hope. Bless you, Lee.

I love Tom's Japanese lantern head in the chucks segment. Especially since the top kanji appears to be Crow's face. I can't make out the other two, though.

It's weird to think that this TV show was a cheap rip-off of both The Hulk (everyman hero wanders the country in search of something he'll never find, and ends up fighting crime to save the people he meets along the way) and Kung Fu: The Legend Continues (martial arts action drama, but with an old White guy because the network was afraid no one would watch an Asian lead, accompanied by a younger apprentice because no one would watch an old guy), but I guess it's not surprising that someone would pitch it, given the popularity of the shows. And the thing is that those shows (as well as Knight Rider and A-Team) were pretty cheesy and formulaic, too. But The Master just seems to lack something. Bill Bixby's heart, George Peppard's larger than life grin, KITT's shiny technology... The seldom-seen hamster just doesn't make up for it.

Demi Moore did this and STILL had a career?!?! Is there no god?

Did anyone else notice that the executive story consultant was named Tom Sawyer!?

I love seeing Joel crack up like he did in the "Master Ninja Theme Song" sketch: it seems to me Jim Mallon was really trying to keep him cracked up about halfway through the letter, he really went overboard with Gypsy's "wah-wah 's" at that point.

That was a big ol' slice of awesome. Ya know, I think I would watch that if it were on now. Also, 2 shark-feeding items on opposite sides of chain would be chum-chuks.

Per Wikipedia: "Timothy Van Patten is an American television director, actor, screenwriter, and producer. He has directed episodes of Boardwalk Empire, Black Mirror, Deadwood, Ed, Game of Thrones, The Pacific, Rome, Sex and the City, The Sopranos, and The Wire." I'll be darned.

Out of nowhere, "Master Ninja Theme Song" popped into my head yesterday. I can't dislodge it, so now I will watch this episode. I did play it on repeat on my way home from work; it never gets old!!

This movie was released in 1991. Lee Van Cleef died 2 years earlier, December 1989. It had to be in his contract that they couldn't release it until after he died.

I just want to let you guys at MST3K know that the reference to the movie "What's Up Doc" was not wasted. I got it and you could not have been more right. lol

Tim Van Patten actually went on to have a pretty successful directing career (most notably for THE WIRE). Guess he's better behind the camera instead of in front of it.

I was going to write that it's a shame that Soon-Teck Oh, the bad ninja from Ep...the second half of the movie, never made his way into the credits. I actually think he's fairly talented both as a martial artist and a B-movie (or B-TV) villain. That said, the less his name is associated with this turkey, the better.

i love how the "we couldn't find your daughter" lines of dialogue were very obviously added later at the end of the second epi--I mean second half of the movie.

Ninja, he's not even Asian!

Both of the Ninja movies have good riffs as usual, but come on, I just can't buy
Lee Van Cleef as a Ninja. He's done great movies, especially westerns, but a Ninja, Never!

@ 1:02:42 it was at that moment that...yes, I realised this a new low, and it reminded me of an Ed Wood movie

Pam Dawber's probably really easy to impress.

San Francisco my butt!

It's kind of reassuring to know there was a time when any stupid thing could make its way onto TV... that writing for TV didn't take any skill or knowledge, and it didn't even matter whether anything made sense. Boy, those were the days.

It's great to see a senior citizen get out of the house with his briefcase filled with ninja toys and a fun little black outfit and fight people. Good for him.

"Hey Ali, might wanna check those bags at the door." Edgy, Crow...

1:24:50 Fell for the oldest trick in the ninja book. Look before you strike. Or just look before doing anything around ninjas.

"The tranquility of post war Japan??" That's what I was thinking. The master's origin story makes no sense. I need to find out who wrote this and how this show got greenlit.

On Wikipedia, it states that Sho Kosugi (who played Okasa) also was Lee Van Cleef's double for all 13 episodes. So...he was fighting himself?

This has got to be one of my least favorite experiments. It mostly has to do with TVP's character. It would be more tolerable if he wasn't such a cocky bast@rd.

It just occurred to me. Lee VAN Cleef and Tim VAN Patten drive around the country in a VAN...

I wonder is Demi Moore looks back on this movie and says, "Damn, that was dumb of me..."

basking in the tranquility of post war japan

Lee Van Cleef's greatest role....really.

I remember watching this on T.V. when I was a little kid. I am so glad to be able to watch it riffed now!

LOL - I watched this show when it was on TV when I was in grade school. This was back when we had TV guides delivered, and you found out a show was cancelled when it never appeared again. As a kid I do remember liking but not loving it - I mean it was no Simon and Simon, Riptide, Magnum PI, Knight Rider or A-Atean,

"You guys talkin' about my butt? Yeah, you crack me up. I've seen your show."
Made me laugh so hard I scared my pets.

That Asian mobster...has the same...delivery...for every line he...says. Someone please tell that actor to stop abusing the 'dramatic pause'!

This movie is incomprehensible. I have no idea what's going on. They move through plot points randomly.

"Next on a very special Trapper John." Whenever they use the "very special" riff it reminds me of the 70's & 80's situation comedy ads. As a kid I knew whenever very special was used to describe an episode it involved serious (boring) material.
You say there is a very special Diff'rent Strokes on tonight? No thanks, I'll just go to my room and play with my Smaller Homes and Garden instead.

Help! I have "Master Ninja Theme Song" stuck in my head!

Why did Lee van Cleef destroy the bar? I thought his beef was with the sheriff? Is everyone a unsympathetic jerk in this movie?

wasn't there a series to this? i remember it from my childhood.

How did that guy in the bar know max on the first name basis??? The guy who was talking about the sheriff and demi. Did I miss something?

I don't know if I'm reading the situation correctly, but that part a little bit after he saved demi (when they're at the airport), max tries to make a move on her and she says he put his hands on me (I'm assuming she's talking about the cop who tried to rape her) and max gets all disappointed when she says no??? That's disgusting. Yeah, he saved her life but why does he think that makes him entitled to a traumatized woman's body? Ugh, I almost want to stop watching because I fear he will only get worse.

42:22 Now you're taping with portals!

Chinatown ninjas. You gotta love the 80's.

If a person wants that perfect excuse the end it all, they need only watch 'The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly'...or, Hell, even 'Escape From New York'...then watch this. If seeing how low a truly great actor can sink doesn't make you go in the bedroom, take out your Glock, and blow your brains all over the wall, nothing will.

They're calling the wrong actor "Sho Kosugi." Kosugi plays Okasa (chain-mail face.) He was also the fight/stunt co-coordinator for the series. Lika (snake-ring guy) is Korean/Japanese actor Soon-Tek Oh.

Is it me, or are parts of this episode/movie missing? I don't know why the old ninja started busting up the bar. Seemed a bit self-gratifying for a ninja because of the weird edits. >.>

The master-key riff of this ep is: "Hah-bekeebeleh!"

the nunchaku sketch is great, but i prefer good old fashioned wood-chucks. not the mammal... nunchuks made of wood. lol xD

Henry is a hamster, not a gerbil. The gerbil riffs make me cringe.

Tim Van Patten is NOT Dick's son. He's his younger brother, his half-brother.
Sorry Crow. No hellish spawn there.

I miss Lee Van Cleef....:(

so… heres lee van cleef on johnny carson promoting this as a show… wearing his ninja bling!!!!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2_UZjiKq88

Fun fact: The guy who plays Sheriff Kyle was also Mr. Wilson in "Final Justice."

Sure this was a bad "movie" but I think I would have watched an episode of the show when it was on. Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten actually do make an entertaining pair. I lost track of what Joel and the bots were saying a couple times and had to back it up.

Is there any explanation for what's wrong with Jill? Clearly, it's not paralysis since she can walk some. She manages a few steps; so what has she been doing before now? Or is it a recent problem? I'm so full of questions!

wasn't it a tv show just spliced together?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coy8XF8x5aU This owl can make the face of Master Ninja! He even has the death stare.

"Master Ninja Theme Song!" An abridged series I watched uses this song as their opening theme @_@ always wondered where they got it. Favorite skit ever!

Anything Crow says as Timothy Van Patten cracks me up.

They call it insipid, but I actually liked Manimal. I didn't see it in its original run, but the SciFi Channel (when it was still about science fiction) had a summer thing where they'd run a lot of older scifi series, mostly from the 70s and 80s. I thought it was kind of fun. Well-made? No, but still fun. :D

LOL Crow's "basket" falls off at 34:37

"Wait, whose theme song is that?"

Aww! Why did they have an edit in the final credits! I kinda wanted to hear the full version of Master Ninja Theme Song!

Right on Crow! It was about time that someone finally unmasked the infamous VanPatten conspiracy.

Seemed like the right moment...Ooooff!

"Believe it"?! My god Van Patten really is Naruto!

Evidently, Tim Van Patten is a director these days. Here's a list of some programs with episodes directed by ol' "Max": Sex and the City, Rome, Boardwalk Empire, Deadwood, The Wire, and The Sopranos. THE SOPRANOS, people.

WHAT?! Nobody has started a thread on 'Chuck Ideas?' How about this classic self defense to use against people who want to force you to say a tongue twister....woodchucks! (I know, it's bad...help).

I would've paid good money to have David Carradine as Caine just stumble upon the set and beat McAllister to a pulp.

Tim Van Patten looks like Bob Saget lol

Yes, Demi Moore and went on to become a major star and Timothy Van Patten is now an award winning director, but they will always have this shame lurking in their pasts. Just as highly regarded two time Oscar nominated mainstream mega producer/actor Mark Wahlberg can never take back this….

http://youtu.be/-eSN8Cwit_s

I guess we all have our Funky Bunches to bear.

the tv car chase has NOTHING on Mitchell's hot merging action

Cool! Leon Russell reference @ 1:25:00

Four words;
"MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!"

Lee Van Cleef's ninja outfit is so ridiculous. He's supposed to be invisible in all black so he can hide in the shadows or in the dark. Yet he wears this big shiny medallion just waiting for a ray of light to hit it and give away his position. Nice going, Lee.

I loved how Joel almost laughed when he read the line "Important and dangerous work" from the letter. I can imagine the crew of the battleship Missouri rolling with laughter as their letter was read to the thrilling beat of "Master Ninja Theme Song"!

It's baffling enough that a woman is fleeing a potential rapist by jumping into a stranger's windowless van without her taking a moment to assert command over the radio.

And when they put the line, "Don't do that; I like classical music" into the script, did it just not occur to them that they would have to score the first part of their high-tension car chase with a delightful and muted bit of symphony?

I wonder if he has ever thrown his hamster instead a ninja star.

Hey, it's Brian Tochi - the Asian nerd from Revenge of the Nerds and Elvis Nogata from the Police Academy movies!

It's Claude Akins from those AAMCO commercials

This tv movie is like a combination of episodes of A-Team,T.J Hooker and Kung Fu

The old ninjas nose reminds me of the bad guys from prince of space.

That gang leader does alot of facial emotes for someone on the phone.

What kind of ninjas pose for sillouettes before they attack? Very stealthy.

I love during the invention exchange, when Dr. Forester is smothering Frank with a pillow. I couldn't stop laughing!

He's an Occidental ninja master with a price on his head. He's a wisecracking young drifter with nothing to lose. They fight crime!

That's nice, but I'm not sure if I'm interested...

We also have this hawt young ingenue named Demi Moore. She only has a bit part in one episode, but we'll put her picture on the video cover higher and bigger than Lee Van Cleef's.

Better, but it's still missing something...

There's a hamster.

Does it talk?

No.

SOLD!