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322 - Master Ninja I



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226 laughs

Comments (77) Best Riffs (205)

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i love how the "we couldn't find your daughter" lines of dialogue were very obviously added later at the end of the second epi--I mean second half of the movie.


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Pam Dawber's probably really easy to impress.


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ericjcant - 3 months ago

It's kind of reassuring to know there was a time when any stupid thing could make its way onto TV... that writing for TV didn't take any skill or knowledge, and it didn't even matter whether anything made sense. Boy, those were the days.


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ericjcant - 3 months ago

It's great to see a senior citizen get out of the house with his briefcase filled with ninja toys and a fun little black outfit and fight people. Good for him.


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Funky The Monkey - 5 months ago

1:24:50 Fell for the oldest trick in the ninja book. Look before you strike. Or just look before doing anything around ninjas.


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DarkShadows - 6 months ago

"Hey Ali, might wanna check those bags at the door." Edgy, Crow...


1 laugh

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Teri Gee - 8 months ago

On Wikipedia, it states that Sho Kosugi (who played Okasa) also was Lee Van Cleef's double for all 13 episodes. So...he was fighting himself?


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NavySandman - 10 months ago

This has got to be one of my least favorite experiments. It mostly has to do with TVP's character. It would be more tolerable if he wasn't such a cocky bast@rd.


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Stephen Dmytriw - 11 months ago

LOL - I watched this show when it was on TV when I was in grade school. This was back when we had TV guides delivered, and you found out a show was cancelled when it never appeared again. As a kid I do remember liking but not loving it - I mean it was no Simon and Simon, Riptide, Magnum PI, Knight Rider or A-Atean,


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Veklorr Vigorr - 11 months ago

"You guys talkin' about my butt? Yeah, you crack me up. I've seen your show."
Made me laugh so hard I scared my pets.


1 laugh

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BritLitFan - about 1 year ago

Tim Van Patten actually went on to have a pretty successful directing career (most notably for THE WIRE). Guess he's better behind the camera instead of in front of it.


Learn from History...or Be Doomed to Watch This Episode!
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Cy O'Nara - over 1 year ago

We're lucky Lee was even caught on film. It's not easy filming ninja.
http://www.onionstudios.com/videos/ninja-parade-slips-through-town-unnoticed-once-again-1123


1 laugh

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Theseus9 - over 1 year ago

Lee Van Cleef's greatest role....really.


3 laughs

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Misterkingdom - over 1 year ago

"The tranquility of post war Japan??" That's what I was thinking. The master's origin story makes no sense. I need to find out who wrote this and how this show got greenlit.


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Misterkingdom - over 1 year ago

This movie is incomprehensible. I have no idea what's going on. They move through plot points randomly.


2 laughs

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Misterkingdom - over 1 year ago

Why did Lee van Cleef destroy the bar? I thought his beef was with the sheriff? Is everyone a unsympathetic jerk in this movie?


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Misterkingdom - over 1 year ago

How did that guy in the bar know max on the first name basis??? The guy who was talking about the sheriff and demi. Did I miss something?


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Misterkingdom - over 1 year ago

I don't know if I'm reading the situation correctly, but that part a little bit after he saved demi (when they're at the airport), max tries to make a move on her and she says he put his hands on me (I'm assuming she's talking about the cop who tried to rape her) and max gets all disappointed when she says no??? That's disgusting. Yeah, he saved her life but why does he think that makes him entitled to a traumatized woman's body? Ugh, I almost want to stop watching because I fear he will only get worse.


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Last of the Wild Ponies - almost 2 years ago

42:22 Now you're taping with portals!


6 laughs

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Snuffy Wuffykiss - almost 2 years ago

It just occurred to me. Lee VAN Cleef and Tim VAN Patten drive around the country in a VAN...


1 laugh

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Snuffy Wuffykiss - almost 2 years ago

I remember watching this on T.V. when I was a little kid. I am so glad to be able to watch it riffed now!


3 laughs

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MSTeacher3K - about 2 years ago

Max is a piece of crap for putting moves on Holly just minutes after she was almost raped. What's worse is SHE apologizes to him! But then,she immediately goes on to make a suggestive comment about coming to see him at the motel. Because that's how most women react after surviving an attack; at least, they do when a sexist writer for a tv show writes the script.


4 laughs

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Stereo Catz - over 2 years ago

A pair of colt 1911s attached by a chain: Gunchucks

Two hypodermic needles filled with procaine strung together with rope: Numbchucks

Two horseback raiders of the Asian grasslands tethered with cable: Hunchucks

A pair of sci-fi direct-energy weapons connected with wire: Set it to Stunchucks.

The two hot girls from your high-school who wouldn't go to prom with you tied with cord: Shunchucks

A pair of Nolan and Johnson's dystopic/ageist future characters doomed from birth by the constraints of a desperate society trying to cope with an over taxed ecosystem shackled with lanyard: Logan's Runchucks.


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Robert Brown - over 2 years ago

The master-key riff of this ep is: "Hah-bekeebeleh!"


2 laughs

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Hank Williams - almost 3 years ago

San Francisco my butt!


how much ninja could a wood chuck chuck if a nunchuck was chucked wood?
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Tyler Jones - almost 3 years ago

the nunchaku sketch is great, but i prefer good old fashioned wood-chucks. not the mammal... nunchuks made of wood. lol xD


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Tyler Jones - almost 3 years ago

Is it me, or are parts of this episode/movie missing? I don't know why the old ninja started busting up the bar. Seemed a bit self-gratifying for a ninja because of the weird edits. >.>


1 laugh

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Henry is a hamster, not a gerbil. The gerbil riffs make me cringe.


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Omar Gomez - almost 3 years ago

I miss Lee Van Cleef....:(


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Mattafact Weaver - almost 3 years ago

so… heres lee van cleef on johnny carson promoting this as a show… wearing his ninja bling!!!!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2_UZjiKq88


1 laugh

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Barry Ward - about 3 years ago

They're calling the wrong actor "Sho Kosugi." Kosugi plays Okasa (chain-mail face.) He was also the fight/stunt co-coordinator for the series. Lika (snake-ring guy) is Korean/Japanese actor Soon-Tek Oh.


Brains Fart
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Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - over 3 years ago

Tim Van Patten is NOT Dick's son. He's his younger brother, his half-brother.
Sorry Crow. No hellish spawn there.


6 laughs

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Korey Green - over 3 years ago

basking in the tranquility of post war japan


4 laughs

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Gabriel Block - over 3 years ago

Did anyone else notice that the executive story consultant was named Tom Sawyer!?


10 laughs

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Peggy Anderson - over 3 years ago

Fun fact: The guy who plays Sheriff Kyle was also Mr. Wilson in "Final Justice."


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nami - over 3 years ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coy8XF8x5aU This owl can make the face of Master Ninja! He even has the death stare.


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Eric Erwin - over 3 years ago

"Master Ninja Theme Song!" An abridged series I watched uses this song as their opening theme @_@ always wondered where they got it. Favorite skit ever!


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Dood - over 3 years ago

Anything Crow says as Timothy Van Patten cracks me up.


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Teri Gee - over 3 years ago

They call it insipid, but I actually liked Manimal. I didn't see it in its original run, but the SciFi Channel (when it was still about science fiction) had a summer thing where they'd run a lot of older scifi series, mostly from the 70s and 80s. I thought it was kind of fun. Well-made? No, but still fun. :D


3 laughs

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Dave Ryder - over 3 years ago

That Asian mobster...has the same...delivery...for every line he...says. Someone please tell that actor to stop abusing the 'dramatic pause'!


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Aww! Why did they have an edit in the final credits! I kinda wanted to hear the full version of Master Ninja Theme Song!


1 laugh

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E B - almost 4 years ago

If a person wants that perfect excuse the end it all, they need only watch 'The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly'...or, Hell, even 'Escape From New York'...then watch this. If seeing how low a truly great actor can sink doesn't make you go in the bedroom, take out your Glock, and blow your brains all over the wall, nothing will.


3 laughs

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Teri Gee - almost 4 years ago

Is there any explanation for what's wrong with Jill? Clearly, it's not paralysis since she can walk some. She manages a few steps; so what has she been doing before now? Or is it a recent problem? I'm so full of questions!


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Sarahbean - almost 4 years ago

Right on Crow! It was about time that someone finally unmasked the infamous VanPatten conspiracy.


5 laughs

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Joseph Ewing - about 4 years ago

Sure this was a bad "movie" but I think I would have watched an episode of the show when it was on. Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten actually do make an entertaining pair. I lost track of what Joel and the bots were saying a couple times and had to back it up.


2 laughs

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mary - about 4 years ago

"Wait, whose theme song is that?"


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mary - about 4 years ago

wasn't it a tv show just spliced together?


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mary - about 4 years ago

Seemed like the right moment...Ooooff!


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Morgan Zindzi T - about 4 years ago

"Believe it"?! My god Van Patten really is Naruto!


5 laughs

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Jessica Jensen - about 4 years ago

I wonder is Demi Moore looks back on this movie and says, "Damn, that was dumb of me..."


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Elisa Farrington - about 4 years ago

WHAT?! Nobody has started a thread on 'Chuck Ideas?' How about this classic self defense to use against people who want to force you to say a tongue twister....woodchucks! (I know, it's bad...help).


5 laughs

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Warm Tumbler of Jagermeister - about 4 years ago

"Next on a very special Trapper John." Whenever they use the "very special" riff it reminds me of the 70's & 80's situation comedy ads. As a kid I knew whenever very special was used to describe an episode it involved serious (boring) material.
You say there is a very special Diff'rent Strokes on tonight? No thanks, I'll just go to my room and play with my Smaller Homes and Garden instead.


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Mike Carmona - over 4 years ago

I would've paid good money to have David Carradine as Caine just stumble upon the set and beat McAllister to a pulp.


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Jerome Montgomery II - over 4 years ago

Tim Van Patten looks like Bob Saget lol


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Fredrick Stafford - over 4 years ago

Yes, Demi Moore and went on to become a major star and Timothy Van Patten is now an award winning director, but they will always have this shame lurking in their pasts. Just as highly regarded two time Oscar nominated mainstream mega producer/actor Mark Wahlberg can never take back this….

http://youtu.be/-eSN8Cwit_s

I guess we all have our Funky Bunches to bear.


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Patrick Gormona - over 4 years ago

the tv car chase has NOTHING on Mitchell's hot merging action


8 laughs

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Bobbin Threadbare - over 4 years ago

Chinatown ninjas. You gotta love the 80's.


2 laughs

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Lewis Nitzberg STINKS! - over 4 years ago

Cool! Leon Russell reference @ 1:25:00


2 laughs

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Daniel Durham - over 4 years ago

wasn't there a series to this? i remember it from my childhood.


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Four words;
"MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!"


5 laughs

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Leslie Doesn't Get You - over 4 years ago

Lee Van Cleef's ninja outfit is so ridiculous. He's supposed to be invisible in all black so he can hide in the shadows or in the dark. Yet he wears this big shiny medallion just waiting for a ray of light to hit it and give away his position. Nice going, Lee.


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Cindy - over 4 years ago

I loved how Joel almost laughed when he read the line "Important and dangerous work" from the letter. I can imagine the crew of the battleship Missouri rolling with laughter as their letter was read to the thrilling beat of "Master Ninja Theme Song"!


7 laughs

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Mitchell - over 4 years ago

Demi Moore did this and STILL had a career?!?! Is there no god?


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Jerome Montgomery II - over 4 years ago

It's Claude Akins from those AAMCO commercials


6 laughs

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Jerome Montgomery II - over 4 years ago

This tv movie is like a combination of episodes of A-Team,T.J Hooker and Kung Fu


5 laughs

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Josh Lane - over 4 years ago

The old ninjas nose reminds me of the bad guys from prince of space.


2 laughs

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Josh Lane - over 4 years ago

That gang leader does alot of facial emotes for someone on the phone.


4 laughs

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Josh Lane - over 4 years ago

I wonder if he has ever thrown his hamster instead a ninja star.


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Josh Lane - over 4 years ago

What kind of ninjas pose for sillouettes before they attack? Very stealthy.


2 laughs

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Sabrina Domingues - over 4 years ago

Hey, it's Brian Tochi - the Asian nerd from Revenge of the Nerds and Elvis Nogata from the Police Academy movies!


6 laughs

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Austin Strong - over 4 years ago

Evidently, Tim Van Patten is a director these days. Here's a list of some programs with episodes directed by ol' "Max": Sex and the City, Rome, Boardwalk Empire, Deadwood, The Wire, and The Sopranos. THE SOPRANOS, people.


7 laughs

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Bruce Box-Liker - almost 5 years ago

It's baffling enough that a woman is fleeing a potential rapist by jumping into a stranger's windowless van without her taking a moment to assert command over the radio.

And when they put the line, "Don't do that; I like classical music" into the script, did it just not occur to them that they would have to score the first part of their high-tension car chase with a delightful and muted bit of symphony?


2 laughs

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Scott Davis - almost 5 years ago

I love during the invention exchange, when Dr. Forester is smothering Frank with a pillow. I couldn't stop laughing!


4 laughs

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Matt Towler - about 5 years ago

LOL Crow's "basket" falls off at 34:37


15 laughs

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Kimono Dragon - about 5 years ago

This movie was released in 1991. Lee Van Cleef died 2 years earlier, December 1989. It had to be in his contract that they couldn't release it until after he died.


16 laughs

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NS - over 5 years ago

He's an Occidental ninja master with a price on his head. He's a wisecracking young drifter with nothing to lose. They fight crime!

That's nice, but I'm not sure if I'm interested...

We also have this hawt young ingenue named Demi Moore. She only has a bit part in one episode, but we'll put her picture on the video cover higher and bigger than Lee Van Cleef's.

Better, but it's still missing something...

There's a hamster.

Does it talk?

No.

SOLD!


9 laughs

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Iris - over 5 years ago

Help! I have "Master Ninja Theme Song" stuck in my head!