617 - The Sword and the Dragon
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1:20 falcon looking for his mom. " i was a baby last time i saw her so i will have to see all your breasts."
For behold, this short stack of wheat cakes, laden with berries, and smothered with the cream which is whipped!
"You are still only a baby, and already stronger than an oak."
And dumber than a hammer!
"I thank you, my prince, but I could not live in the palace."
It stinks in there!
"So I shall follow the road that leads to death!"
And if I don't get to Death tonight, I'll just spend the night at Serious Injury and head over to Permanent Disability in the morning.
"Riches would give me no joy."
But I'll take 'em, anyway.
"Now is not the time to woo me a wife!"
But I'll take one, anyways.
"I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty." Well, next I suppose you'll be wanting something to eat! I've never had anything to drink, and I've done just fine!
By Beelzebub! A pair of breeches! What does it signify to you?
It signifies the man had a large can!
(Minnesota accent) Oh, the ice seams safe. Let's drive our pick-up on to it.
He's got a poster of Sun Ra.
This movie has the same plot as "A Boy Named Sue"
“I shall drive Kalin and his wicked Tugars from the gates of our city once and for all and rid our land of those traitors who would betray it”...Ok! See ya after work!...
“Grieve not sweet one, grieve not. We do not part for long”...I know, that’s what I’m grieving about...
"Feed him well, mind you. Look after him." -- Spread some papers. Give him a chew toy.
(On screen: The Sword and the Dragon) When one sword tries to get along with an incorrigible dragon.
Tom: But I was about to enter a deep level of (if you know what the hell he is saying, tell me so I can edit this).
Crow: Servo, you have entered a deep level of HbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbB.
The wind demon has killed a lot of people, but it's all in good fun!
Well, let's get you far enough away so they won't hear the gunshot.
You know, sometimes I wake up and I feel just like this guy looks.
"This is... Arthurian in the sense that Arthur with Dudley Moore is Arthurian."
"The mass effects of watching Pauly Shore's last movie."
"There's the little matter of an unauthorized fax!"
"Wi-Trex™ simulated film snow. Ask for it by name."
"Hey, it's The Nina, The Pinta, and the Mongo(l) Santamaria!"
♫ ♭ "No IIIIII... don't wanna' fall..." ♭ ♫"
"That was one high colonic! Yes, Sir I feel like a new man!"
" 'I'm thirsty I'm thirsty!' Next I suppose you'll want somethin' to eat! I've never had anything to drink and I've done just fine!"
"...the defenders fought back valiantly and won the day. But what of tomorrow?"
"Well, I'm going to sleep in- oh he means the movie..."
"I have work for you. You must prepare a caravan of furs and copper, and voyage out to sea."
"Sure, I wasn't doing anything for the next TEN YEARS."
"And here is your share, all of this. All the gold for you, here. And now for my share..."
"Microsoft stock!"
Cattle-call for Sound of Music!
The hills are alive, the hills are alive, the hills are alive, the hills are alive with the sound of music.
"A village that lives in constant fear of Kalin and his invaders." ...So move.
Our story begins in a quiet village in this besieged land. Made out of toothpicks.
"I shall follow the road that leads to death." I might not get to death tonight; I may spend the night at serious injury and head over to permanent disability in the morning.
Fifty thousand Maria von Trapps face off against the Mongol horde!
Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
"I might not get to Death tonight; I might spend the night in Serious Injury and head over to Permanent Disability in the morning."
But Ilya's son did bring dishonor. He traded the sword for a lid and got high in the palace.
At long last, our nation says no to renaissance festivals.
the banjo becomes angry at midnight WHAT THE HELL ARE YA TALKIN' ABOUT!?
This baby can handle everything but a three-headed dra- oh, son of a...
...now I was a baby when I last saw her, so I'll need to see all your breasts.
"I have found my true father."
"Did you follow the trail of beer cans?"
"Ok, we get it, the circle of friggin' life."
"I think it's a film on sex."
"The falcons in the sky, they were witness to our love..." - Eewwugh!
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**MST3K FAN EXCLUSIVE** 30 Year Anniversary NEW Fan Based Show Opening. This is a version NEVER seen on TV. I encourage you to watch it to the very end. 2:34, the real hardcore MSTIES should appreciate it. Do hope everyone will. What episode is the final clip from? ENJOY....
https://youtu.be/IDu4AgDp_bM
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film wasnt bad, but i was really hoping i'd get to see the main guy use that damn lemon squeezer he was wearing on his head, the size a that thing,and he didnt juice anything!! what waste.
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''if you bear a son, call him falcon, and give him this ring, in fact give him everything he wants and more, money, women, cars, jewellery, a house in malibu, the woiks''
''and if i have a daughter''
''ho hoono no no no, you will have a son, i know you will, because if you don't, then just make sure your not here when i return. i mean really, a daughter she says. what am i to do with a daughter? i already have a wife to do the housework, and the cooking, the cleaning, the darning of my socks, the nagging, and the wiping of mine big fat hairy....face''
''umm, ok dear''
''at a girl''
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33:23 ''all for one and one for all!'' ahhhh i know these guys,
it's the three Ruski-teers!
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errrr whats with all the finnish jokes? i think this film is russian right?
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@ 14:25 The old guy says, "Drink the dew of the magic grass."
http://www.weedist.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Dinosaurs-Ate-Magic-Grass-Before-It-Was-Cool-Weedist.jpg
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The Bergman host segment reminds me of an SCTV/Count Floyd sketch...
https://youtu.be/qYV-SiRsSco
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This is one of those strangely underrated episodes.
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Boris Badanoff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4txmBNCAXg8
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1:20:10. Every movie with a horse includes a whole bunch of "plop" jokes, yet they miss one of the best opportunities...
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I didn't know Fins invented Rap and Scat ...,.
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so did Borris bathe ford falcon in Mountain Dew ??
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never shall I serve a tyrant? But I will fight for an unelected prince who imprisoned me for years without a trial on mere rumors?
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The girl with the strong jaw and the braids, who gets carried off by the Altai Tatar guys (or Mongols, or whatever they are) at the beginning looks just like the one in 'Magic Voyage of Skinbag' who was bringing water back to town at the beginning of that one.
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Ah, my favorite Mike episode (I'll be honest, I'm more of a fan of the Joel episodes. I mean, it's not like I don't LIKE Mike, he's a nice guy, but they're just not exactly the same). This movie is also, actually, not half bad. But hey, even if they riffed a movie that was critically acclaimed by the masses, it'd STILL be funny.
The bit about the pants gets me every time. XD
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"A Joke by Ingmar Bergman:" The BEST host segment ever!
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Call me a total nerd, but I noticed the main character of the movie is Ilya Muromets.... Ilya Muromets was the name of one of the first and most successful aircraft Igor Sikorsky designed and built, long before he moved to the US and got into helicopters. In fact it was one of the first luxury "airliners".
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And this film is a Russian/Soviet film, not Finnish! Same with Jack Frost. Where did they get they idea they were Finnish movies? The Soviets and Finns did not exactly get along
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Seeing some things in this movie that were definitely echoed in '300'.
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The Sven and Ole sketch beginning at 22:37, is one of the reasons I love this era of MST3k!
When your out of Schlitz (slits) your out of beer (pier), was the ad line for my dads brand of beer. One of the cheaper brands, it was enough to provide a buzz while watching football.
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A movie like this, with a good/evil moral code set against clearly racialized civilizations, sets off alarms in my head. The Mongols did conquer great parts of Russia, so that context does account for the malice in their representation of East Asia, but that doesn't make this film any more comfortable... Of course, if this were a well-written, fair-balanced film then we probably wouldn't be watching it... Curse you, the Mads! Curse you for making me question my morality for enjoying riffing terrible movies so much that I'm almost glad they were so bad in the first place!
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Aaaugh, it's so Russian and all the jokes are about it being Finnish! They probably got confused because the Soviet government didn't allow feelings into the film.
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I'm hesitant to reveal that I have this much nerd-knowledge, but in the opening D&D sketch, it actually looks like they're using the 5th edition Call of Cthulhu book (judging from what little I can see of the spine and cover).
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1:23:55 -- I wish it would Finnish.
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another bit of deep hurting
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Oh lord they called their legendary hero Invincor? Ugh.
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What a real stinkburger! This was like a rancid roadkill, hot moldy feta cheese, sour milk, rotting garbage sandwich on rye bread and slathered in a sauce that smells like beer and dog pee.
The princess has this weird Carrie Fisher/Maggie Gyllenhaal quality. The "grand" scene of the heroes sailing on the open sea looks like it was filmed on a lake in Colorado. The lame fire dragon would have made even Burt I. Gordon laugh. It had a generic, derivative storyline with little depth. Half the time it sounded like they were making up names and stuff as they went along. The editing, writing, music, acting was all A-grade crap. To top it all off, the skit with Nelson in a pink bunny suit was almost too much for my brain to handle. I'm going to go find a dark corner and cry now.
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Gotta admit, I'm a sucker for the, "WELL HERE I AM, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?'
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Is is just me, or have they completely lost the whole Sampo storyline?
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When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer!
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I dunno why I chose to put on this episode after returning home from D&D at the comic book store. I've never felt so utterly burned in all my life.
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the whole point of having a dragon is to tell the world you have a dragon! Why did you keep it a secret?!!! Dr. Strangelove reference
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50 Maria Von Trappes face off against the mongol hoard. I'd pay to see that
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I love the host segments where Dr. Forester and Frank are on their "dates". Hits a little too close to home though.
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The opening bit hits a little close to home, both the D&D bit and the comics bit. Although Tom's "Those are places" gets me every time.
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The "Joke by Ingmar Bergman" is the only host segment I actually skip past. It's not that it's not that funny, but it's like two minutes of nothing.
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I wonder why that Mongolian king or whatever he was, let the kid keep his name and I really don't get why he would've let the boy keep a ring that one of his parents probably gave to him.
This baby can take care of everything but a three-headed...son of a....
I love that line.
One other thing I didn't understand was, how are the men suppose to gather around him and look upon his enemy, the prince, when his men are the mountain that holds him up high enough to see his enemy? Huh?
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1:22:00 And now it's waning!
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54:38 Sounds like he has a zipper in the back of his head.
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51:44 Looks more like trahogany to me.
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WHAT ABOUT IMPROV?!
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I love those traveling conveyors of plot contrivances at the 14 minute mark. "Oh, you're paralyzed? Drink this magic elixir. Oh, you're a warrior? Take this magic legendary sword. Anything else we can get you?" And of course someone else (I think?) gives him the mightiest of all steeds.
Over the course of five minutes he's had delivered to his home the stuff that heroes typically have to go on quests for.
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at 1:28:21 ...wtf did Dr. F and Frank do?
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Say what you will about Michael J Nelson, the man rocks a pink bunny costume.
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Bunny Rich!!
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I just moved to a new neighborhood. One of the major streets near my apartment is Del Mar Blvd. Every single time I pass it, I think, Delmar the Elfin King?
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For the record, the film is Russian, re-edited by good old Roger Corman.
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I've never hit a damned thing, it's astounding!
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ah, the golden age of making stuff up
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Does anyone else remember Woodstock II?
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Tom is a terrible Dungeon Master. NO WAY should a bunch of Level One PCs have a random encounter with a balrog! Have 'em beat down some kobolds first, geez...
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If you hold a Finn by the beard, it immobilizes them.
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Before Leonard and Sheldon, there were Dr. F and Frank.
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Lol the mighty steed is a donkey.
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Man the plots in these fantasy epics are always so generic.
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I like the line "May you be cursed murdering scum!"...spoken while shooting a fatal arrow, killing the murderer. I don't think that's irony, but I still thought about it for a good 25 seconds.
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The "Ingmar Bergen Tells a Joke" is one of my most favorite host segments. That and the Supercalifragilisticexpealawacky. I love it when MST3K gets so flat-out satirical.
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So I know that it's supposed to be satire (perhaps even satire of satire), but I find it interesting that Crow's "topical satirical review" is actually still topical. Goes to show that nothing changes.
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If I had a nickel for every date ruined by an impromptu song about the deficit...
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Where are the ROUS's!! hehehhehe
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I'm just kinda waiting for people in this movie to be yelling for a Sampo
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Balrogs are from LOTR, not D&D! NERD RAGE!
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"Not even a Tugar shall order off the menu!"
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This movie makes me want to narrate my every thought day-to-day. :)
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This one needs more love! And more posted riffs! And more lutefisk (except that's Swedish, not Finnish)! And more dragon (it really does, at that)!
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Serious Comment: Nearly 20 years later, every political issue mentioned in the
Supercalifragilisticexpealiwacky sketch is still current and totally unresolved!
Non-Serious Comment: So IHOP waiter Ilja pulls a sword on Crow for asking for a ham substitution, big deal! Just try asking a surly nicotine jonesing Denny’s server at 3am for an extra pack of grape jelly!
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Yeah, ya know, I just met you two, but you seem like good guys, so I'll go ahead and make a lifetime pledge with ya. All for one and one for all. Oh, uh, what were your names again?
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The Ingmar Parody was sheer brilliance. But I also enjoyed the silliness of "HAM!"
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Mike in a pink bunny costume...nuff said!!!!!!
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Another wonderful (Russo-Finnish?) film. I loves me some Scandinavia!
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This was worth a laugh just for the rabbit drum solo.
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So there's no dragon? Or did I just sleep through it?
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Mike is staring into my soul!
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Ingmar Bergman's jokes never work in translation.You all should know that by now.But you just can't beat that cinematography.
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By the way, does anybody know what deep level Servo was about to achieve in D&D? I can't make it out, though it sounds like it should have a fantasy apostrophe stuck in it somewhere.
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Chief Khalin sounds like Boris Badanov because he is: They're both voiced by Paul Frees. That said, I think it's weird that only the Mongol invaders get Russian accents in this Russian folktale. (Then again, this is still Cold War era.) ;)
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I just noticed mike says the legend of boggy creek made more sense yet they don't do that episode till the final. Season. Big foreshadowing there
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One of the many reasons why this episode is so underrated: the host segments are so well done. So I usually recommend this to my friends who still fast-forward through them. :p ("Yaaah sure you beeeetcha..." -Gypsy)
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What a great episode! Russian-Finni tripe, and some supecala S.O.L/Deep 13 breaks! 'When yer outta schlitz, yer outta beer,' HA!
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So his horse starts out as brown, grows up to be black, and is named Chestnut Grey. That's a puzzler.
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I love it when they make Dr Strangelove references.