703 - Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell
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I've got the warmest blankets over here.
But it's the hottest summer in medieval history!!!
"Oh Antonio!', she cried out. Flesh burstin' with pleasure. And so forth. And the war continued to rage across the land like a grass fire in the desert. Wait Hold on. I think I skipped a few pages."
I'll never eat home fries again.
"And-- you-- who-- could-- hurl-- boulders-- off the mountaintops!!"
And you-- who could open beer with your teeth!
I can patch it to get you to Sheboygan but you're going to have to have it looked at!
Ah that trademark Relson laugh
Someone grab the gate receipts!
[Servo} Ah, you look lovely tonight sir, with your creamy white neck and all...
Lodak, are you talking to the toilet again?
“You told me once it’s not easy being a princess”...Sure did, goodbye!
“Its not easy being a hero either”...Never before has an entire medieval city thrown up at the same moment
Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach...(tears, sniff, sniff) make sure you crimp the foil good...and poke her with a fork so she doesn’t explode
“Oh he gets around - one village one day, one the next”...So two villages...
"Maybe this Troxartas will turn out to be the handsome prince you always dreamed of”...The man’s name is troxartas, whad’ya think?
“Here I go again riding hundreds of miles, fighting whole armies, up against magic maybe..in the end all I’ll get is flowers on my head and everyone telling me how wonderful I am”...OH SHUT UP!
"I can take care of myself! Protect the girl!" Sure! Which gulls do you mean?
"...Thinking I was the end of your quest." As we know it and I feel fine.
There really wasn't any "Deathstalking" in this movie, was there?
"You'll come with me to my castle."
Well, mom's castle.
Haven't I seen her dancing by the pool with Spuds McKenzie?
♫ ♪Shoot that poison arrow through my haaaaaa....♫ ♪
NO!
It's hard to look menacing when you're dressed like Maude!
"Have you ever heard of secret city, a city built all of treasure?"
"In my dreams, yes."
"It's real!"
Branson, Missouri!
"What are you waiting for?" "I'm waiting till I'm not sharp anymore."
*gasp* And to think he had earlier misrepresented his knowledge of the location of the horses!
There's only one thing a man like that wants. Sour cream with chives.
"The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard!"
"This is the scene they always show in That's Entertainment!"
"Ahhh... bagged a coupla' Walleyes, got time for a round a' golf... This is great!"
"I'll miss our scenes together where our characters were vague and we don't really talk too much!"
"BATTING SEVENTH FOR THE ORCHESTRA: ALEJANDRO RULFO!"
"What are we? Bats.. What do we want? Insects.. When do we want them? Now!?"
Trash-talking wasn't very good yet, all you could say was 'aaaaargh!'
"Do you always like a nice conversation before dinner?" And a little doobage if you got it. Heh heh
I put...the beats.....in my own script.....and I'm....sticking...with..them.
Okay! If you're done degrading the human race, can we get on with the movie?!
This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
Okay, we've seen his crotch, his pits, inside his mouth, up his nose--What's left?!
"I'll have a few words for you..." - They are 'Frog' and 'Pant'.
I gotta start the smoke, stir the sauce, all the time watchin the helicopter...
(Good Fellas)
Use tongue as blunt object, swab tongue on EVERY available surface....
Is my Aunt Minnie in there?
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If you want more Troxartas in your life, you can see the same guy playing pretty much the same character in Rifftrax's Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. I highly recommend it.
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Who's Shane McGowan of the Popes? I know there's a Shane McGowan of the Pogues, but I've never heard of the Popes.
Also I love them for that reference there.
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Holy crap this one was so cringy! I wouldn't be able to stand it without the riffing.
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so....Vadinho lost his gig as a princess' bodyguard, and got stuck protecting Thepumaman...??
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1:09:20 Lets gather around the Klingon and listen to his tales of glorious battles.
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39:35 Alone in misty woods. The guy gave her rape eyes earlier. I really do feel scared here. Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!
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28:38 You'd think they would just stop and laugh at him for that move. Poke him with a sword mockingly and call him "Stickhugger".
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Tee minus 4 seconds till a emotion. 3... 2...
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Sorry, but the "She was Ore-Ida" line near the end just sent me into a laughing fit....
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Wow. A Deathstalker movie with all the nudity cut out... But all the scenes where the "plot" is explained had nudity so now it makes even less sense. Not that it was "good" to begin with but, you know... Boobies!
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Mike chuckles in this episode more than any other I can think of.
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I'm thinking i've found the smuggest leading man in MST3K history.
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"Potatoes are what WE eat"
Where's Trumpy when you need him?
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Amazingly bland!
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As a general rule, don't include the word "stalker" in your hero's name :-p
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So I decided to try some of that smooth “Deathstalker” game at my local pub. I came in with fake English accent which I quickly dropped; told my attractive server girl I DID NOT kill her twin sister, constantly referred to myself as a HERO, ordered a baked potato, potato skins, French fries, tater tots, and a baked potato, challenged a balding guy to several lame sword fights, and NOTHING; no hot virgin fell in love with me, no BDSM play with a sexy nympho, no one wanted to join me in a vague revolution, although when I left I distinctly heard cheering behind me. Oh well, guess I will just go back to my old “Mitchell” moves.
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I heard that Deathstalker was originally known as Crap-talker by his friends, mostly Nesisus, but he had it changed after a shameful incident in the shower after gym class and moved to a new school district. Also who did the voice over work for the bird ??? Must've been the guy/gal from Eehga that said "Watch out for snakes".
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The bad Guy's girlfriend is more attractive than the princess, especially in terms of personality.
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Somewhere in my fever dreams a Nicias and Merlin fanfic is bubbling
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'Relson' looks nothing like the dude on the cover.
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I pity any ren festers that had this as the first MSTie experience. The crew goes to town on it!
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The soundtrack sounded like the RuneScape music from like 2004
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Sheesh, I didn't think John Nelson was al that bad in Killer Klowns From Outer Space. I wonder if the director's coaching to him was "Now your character's motivation is to be as big a douche as he possibly can."
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This is by far the best Mike episode!
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This deserves more than 240 laughs.
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I never thought anything could make Deathstalker II look well thought out. Remind me to never think again.
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I've seen a lot of half baked stupid ass movies in my time but this movie,as mike said "is one the most ambitiously bad movies we've ever done." I guess when u make up a fake Middle Ages-like fantasy world u can just skip any sort of time continuity like zippers or hairstyles or manners of speaking...
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I can't get over the medieval Casio music, it just cracks me up. What is the deal with this movie, every time they get the story moving it will cut to a scene of something already in progress and as soon as I can start to follow that story line it cuts to something else. What did this movie look like before editing? Did they cut every scene that explained the plot?
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I gotta say... these are some of the WORST swordsmen I have ever seen. They are swinging so damn slow, I could beat each in about 3 seconds (I lettered in fencing in college). They really need 2 things. A little experience with real fighting. And a MUCH BETTER fight choreographer... who actually knows how to fight with a sword.
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Why does a guy named "deathstalker" look like a twink?
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Pearl has a man-cold.
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So that's Alan Moore at 8:30, right?
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Wait a minute... "Fa, a note to follow sol"?
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Is that the prophecy theme from Dune 35 minutes in?!
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Among the most "ambitiously bad" parts of this film has to be the soundtrack. Absolutely horrendous.
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My sister got ahold of this, my favorite episode, un-MST'ed. SO MANY BOOBIES were cut from this. I did a write-up a few years ago on every boobie scene that was cut from this ridiculous movie, if you don't mind me linking to an offsite blog: http://mst3k.livejournal.com/1360066.html (worksafe despite the topic!)
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The look that crazy potato mom gives Deathstalker when he talks about eating a rabbit is pretty much the same look vegans give you if you mention eating steak.
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So, question... why are the guys always so down on ren-fests? Nerd in-fighting makes me a sad panda....
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Wait, so someone help me out here. The third stone, which Troxarus needs to become omnipotent and immortal..... has just been sitting on some table in his house for, like, years?
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I love a villain who, in the big climactic fight scene, uses his two swords—what we are to believe are two weapons of hardened steel designed for stabbing—to pick up a piece of lacy fabric and gently lay it over his prone enemy (while wearing a boat neck blouse). (~1:19:30)
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As someone named Steve, I just LOVE the way they call people Steve in many of the movies they riff, this being one of them.
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So, after repeated watchings, I'm starting to think that John Allen Relson (aka Deathstalker) may be the most under-appreciated actor of the 20th century. Now, hear me out: anyone can be unlikeable on occasion, or even usually, but to be so consistently, flawlessly douche-y . . . I mean, my God, it's like a work of genius.
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Loved all the Lord of the Rings riffs (and the One Ring sketch!). Best parts of the whole movie/episode! Maybe I should ask Servo to whip me up a Ring o' Power...
Lol, oh mother Pearl. She totally succeeded in being super annoying! :D Man, poor Dr. F. Between Mike and the Bots messing with him and his mum (especially when sick), I think it'll be Clay who goes crazy(er) instead of Mike!
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I think a better name for this film would have been "Death Stalker III: The Warlock, His Lost Rock Collection, and His Mixed up Zombie Friends"
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My god after the first 50 "clayton"s I wanted to choke her...
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"I should be playing canasta with Saruman!"
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And if someone wants the "Extra Stuffed Germanic" font used in the opening credits, you can get it here:
http://www.dafont.com/primitive.font
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Another reason to hate the "Deathstalker" franchise: 3 of the 4 movies (this one not included) were executive produced by Roger Corman!
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I loved this episode! One of the funniest. "We're Bats!" and the deep voiced, "Squeak, Squeak..." We were laughing so hard at Batman and his men! :D
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Very likely my favorite episode of all time. And this from a Misty who used to tape these off of Comedy Central back in the 90s and watch 'em after school.
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By the by, if you ever have a chance to watch the pilot episode of Quantum Leap, I think you'll find that our simple 'hero' here plays the part of a pilot on an air force base in that show. Pretty sure it's him. I'd know that smirk anywhere.
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Deathstalker versus Ator taking all bets!
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This is the most smug, repugnant dude In the history of MST3K. More smarmy than Adam Chance and sleazed his way right through Bart Fargo.
Ok, I kind of regret this statement because I just remembered the bespectacled side-kick hobbit from Outlaw of Gor.
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This guy becomes so amazingly likeable once you've seen the first Deathstalker movie. It's unbelievable.
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Now let's see how long these accents last....
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OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! Look at the scene where Deathstalker hides in the tent and uses a stick to make the princess think that he has a knife in her back. If you look at the two guards for the princess, ONE OF THEM IS THE AZTEC GUY FROM PUMAMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D My life is now complete.
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Can anyone who has seen the other movies tell me if every woman unfortunate to cross paths with the title character and interact dies?
Or is it just this actor? I can just picture during the filming the actresses approaching the director saying "Look- Can you just kill me off?"
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I have no idea what a meatsa-treatsa-rati is, but the opening host segment makes me REALLY wanna try one....
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one of my favorite episodes! i love when these guys riff renaissance/pseudo historically accurate "movies" (i.e. quest of the delta knights, another favorite of mine). in itself, the movie alone is very entertaining. the baldo old man prince who's revered by all the women as being wickedly handsome; the completely ineffectual wizard/wandering goat visitor; the grunge-box eagle meowing valiantly across the ren-fest fair grounds sky... mike and the bots just murder this film
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Listening to it again, I'm pretty sure Deathstalker's accent disappeared before he finished his first line.
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I know plot-holes are usually beneath mention but:
Did anyone else notice that one THIRD of the stone was powerful enough to RESURRECT THE DEAD (with remarkably few side-effects) and yet Deathstalker still let them barbecue the chick who died saving him?
What the HELL man?
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Tarl Cabot would make this loser his bitch.
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there are 4 of these movies??
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i just heard an eagle meow!!
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"Could you at least find the strength to sweep the garage?"
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I wonder why the high school theater they used to shoot half the movie wasn't included in the credits?
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"DUH HUH, KILL DUH"
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summoning my inner Captain Kirk:
"WHAT isssssss.....THIS!?"
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i love VHS-to-DVD-to-DIGITAL transfers
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Got to get back inside the castle, I need more hot metal on my groin.
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Love should be secret and shameful and leathery and dirty
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I just looked it up. That guard actually IS Miguel Fuentes from The Pumaman.
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There's one moment in this movie that actually strikes me as having some genuine emotion. When the potato woman gets killed, he says, "My life wasn't worth yours." and if there had been that much sincerity in the rest of the movie, it wouldn't have been half as bad.
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28:08 "You are the Puma Man."
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Just noticed that Crow's cashier name tag says "Mary-Jo" and Tom's says "Paul."
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Trucks Artist looks like kind of a low-rent Rudolph Valentino
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This movie has the same soundtrack as Final Fantasy Mystic Quest.
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Am I hearing this right? The kid's name is Amatron?
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Is it just me or does that bird sound a lot like the alien whale noises from Startrek IV?
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This movie riff on itself... "Maybe theres another treasure city waiting for me out there" Wizard: " There isn't"
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Hard to believe the original Deathstalker spawned one sequel let along this third one. I wrote better dialogue in the 4th grade!
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I had to sneak off to YouTube to watch this properly. Without the host segments, well... it was like RenFest without a dead camel to pet, if you get my (throbbing gondola's) drift.
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I hope Deathstalker finds death really quickly...his own death that is! :)
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Is it the same helmet that David Warner wore in "Quest of the Delta Knights"?
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Potato-Perm-Chick sounds like the Wharwilf girl's long-lost sister.
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This might be the highlight of the amazing, seminal season 7. This one has lights out riffs from beginning to end. It also doesn't help how earnest the filmmakers are ... I actually, kinda sorta like this movie.
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I just noticed it, but the opening theme of the movie is actually James Horner's opening theme for "Battle Beyond the Stars". Then again, both "Battle Beyond the Stars" and the Deathstalker movies were made by Corman's company.
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Full Episode- Link 1- MINUS HOST SEGMENTS?!?!?!
WTF?????
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Wow, this episode really presented a ton of riffable opportunities for Mike and the bots. I was skeptical going in, but came out thinking this is a top shelf episode. May be a little underated.
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27:10.... The guard on the left, MST3k #903 Puma Man ???
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I wonder if that linebacker-style sword stance that Deathstalker favors has ever been used by anybody who lived to pass it on.
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Holy shit, Pearl is annoying.
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Did anybody see those guys attack the chickens. They’re lucky this isn’t Skyrim or they’d be hunted down like dogs for such an atrocity.
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The wizard, the potato ladies, the first princess who gets killed... it is ASTONISHING how little these characters contribute to the plot. If they cut this movie to the bone, it could have served as a short to another movie.
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Omg was the end skit really an homage to a scene from Hitchcock's Suspicion?? I didn't think I could love this show any better.
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CLAAAAAYTOOON!
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Are potatoes like Caesar salad? When you both have potatoe-breath, and you make out, does each ones breath cancel out the other? If not, that was the most disgusting mack-session ever!
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At ~0:40:50, do my ears deceive me or did he really just say "I'm just a simple hero trying to eat his dinner." That's one of the worst lines I could imagine.
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Man, I don't think I've actively cheered against a movie's hero before.
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Full episode is down, looked it up and all I could find was it split into 10 parts on youtube :( I know its crappy like that but its the best we get for now
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28:10, It IS....... That is Pew - mah Man
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1:08:01 - looks like the undead guy in the foreground is rubbing his crotch.
Also, strategic perm-placement at 1:08:20
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Oh God, the helmet with the floppy bat wings. Can't stop laughing.
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Hilarious!
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mst3k dont get better awesome episode
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oh gawd, this is one of my favourite episodes EVER...I cry laughing every time.
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the pink sultan/ninja/mink stole super villian ensemble is a straight classic... Truxartis is one bad mamajama... BEWARE.
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1 of the best (in my well informed opinion)... "and you, you nut, GET OVER HERE!"
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Been removed!