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Rocket J. Forklift (Paul-Gabriel Wiener)
In Third star to the left, and straight on 'til midafternoon
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Hi there! There's no place for an "about me" thing in the profile, so I'm posting on my own wall. If you're curious enough to come to this page, maybe you want to know something. So here are a few things, in no particular order:

* I have long names. Call me whatever works. I usually go by "Paul." "Rocky" works here. The full screen name is just there to amuse me.

* "Favorite" episodes are unsorted, and somewhat arbitrary. Depends on my mood when I watched. But I'm generally not one to pick favorites. I enjoy something or not, on its own terms. I don't like pitting them against each other to say which is better or not as good.

* I'm fairly open about stuff, and I like getting to know cool people. Feel free to drop me a line, ask questions, check out my FB profile. Or not. Whatever floats your giant turtle.

That's it for now. Have a MSTie day, and keep circulating the AVI files!


Favorite Episodes

  1. The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
    180
  2. Phase IV
    48
  3. SST: Death Flight
    69
  4. Robot Monster
    133
  5. Moon Zero Two
    164
  6. Untamed Youth
    111
  7. Cave Dwellers
    380
  8. Pod People
    498
  9. Catalina Caper
    243
  10. Time of the Apes
    239
  11. War of the Colossal Beast
    199
  12. The Unearthly
    175
  13. The Giant Gila Monster
    213
  14. Teenagers from Outer Space
    244
  15. Attack of the Giant Leeches
    184
  16. Hercules Unchained
    158
  17. Mighty Jack
    151
  18. Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
    225
  19. Fugitive Alien
    289
  20. The Magic Sword
    179
  21. Hercules and the Captive Women
    134
  22. Fire Maidens of Outer Space
    194
  23. The Rebel Set
    141
  24. The Human Duplicators
    178
  25. Bride of the Monster
    201
  26. Manos: The Hands of Fate
    614
  27. Warrior of the Lost World
    285
  28. Secret Agent Super Dragon
    188
  29. The Magic Voyage of Sinbad
    187
  30. Operation Double 007
    204
  31. The Girl in Lovers Lane
    199
  32. Gunslinger
    140
  33. Mitchell
    514
  34. The Wild World of Batwoman
    203
  35. Alien from L.A.
    247
  36. Outlaw of Gor
    279
  37. Radar Secret Service
    191
  38. 12 to the Moon
    177
  39. The Skydivers
    235
  40. Last of the Wild Horses
    141
  41. The Starfighters
    206

Recent Comments with recent replies

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911 - Devil Fish - 13 days ago

Wait a sec. The opening titles (credits) end with the name "Old, Jr." and there's no riff? What happened?


The plot, such as it is, the best I can figure...
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1004 - Future War - 6 days ago

There are humanoid aliens who call themselves "the masters." They are not from the future. Nor are they at war with anyone. Somehow, despite not having evolved thumbs (or anything that serves the same purpose), they became cyborgs with interstellar space ships. They do not, however, have the technology to build robots. Nor do they have any interest in building thumbs or other gripper attachments. At some point, they learn that Earth has intelligent beings shaped much like them, but who have thumbs. So they kidnap a bunch to serve as slave labor. They also (possibly through time travel) obtain dinosaur-like creatures and train them to serve as "trackers" to hunt down escaped slaves, despite the fact that the slaves are implanted with subcutaneous tracking devices. Also, the dinosaurs are fitted with exploding collars powerful enough to vaporize their bodies, but the system of dinosaur bloodhounds is seen as preferable to fitting the humans with similar collars. The dinosaur collars exist to erase evidence of their presence because apparently having dinosaurs roam the streets isn't a dead giveaway.

The humans have Bible verses on the wall of their living quarters. They understand English (written and spoken), but cannot speak or write it. They know they were taken from Earth, but also consider it to be Heaven.

For some reason, the Masters are returning to Earth. Likely, this is to pick up a fresh batch of slaves. Given that the CIA is apparently aware of this, it's not unlikely they've done so more than once.

Knowing that the ship was near Earth, one of the slaves uses an escape pod to, well, escape. With the help of a plucky nun who was a hooker and a drug dealer and still has connections with arms dealers, he escapes cyborgs and dinosaurs, overwhelming them with slow-mo karate. For some reason, the pair ditch her car and escape on a train, only to end up in the same town. A friendly former John gives her a pound of explosives and a wad of cash for old times' sake. Now armed, they pinpoint the enemy base as some kind of underground pumping station (or possibly an old bunker) which for some reason is made primarily of rotting wood. They know it has to be the place because it's near water (which the dinosaurs need in abundance) and because there's a dinosaur-sized hole in the fence. They plant a bomb outside what's apparently the only entrance, set a timer, go inside, kill a bunch of bad guys, do nothing else (despite apparently having some kind of urgent strategic goal), and escape with seconds to spare before the bomb caves in the entrance, sealing the place off. There is no indication of why they would leave the bomb outside or why they cut the timing so close or why they used a timer as the detonator or why they set the timer before going in or how they survived a blast from a bomb that big.

All of this is enough, for no clear reason, to convince the nun to move past her crisis of faith, and (despite lingering doubts and possibly romantic feelings for the slave) she goes ahead with taking her vows. Except, before she can give the final word, the cyborg in charge of the hunt drops in for a last battle. It is left unclear weather she did finish taking her vows. The slave becomes a rehab counselor.

The giant alien space ship is left drifting through space. Or possibly retreating home. Really, there's no indication whether there are any more crew members on board or other slaves left alive or what this all means for the people on the alien world.

This story is then chopped to bits, shuffled around haphazardly, and padded out with redundant flashbacks so that it makes even less sense.

Is that about it?


It Doesn't Stink!
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Forum - 6 days ago

I'm a little late, but I just wanted to register my approval of Jonah and the new season of MST3k. I've watched the first 6 episodes, and they're good. I like that they kept the spirit of the show, but weren't afraid to try new gimmicks. Good!


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1004 - Future War - about 3 years ago

He says it's a POUND of 'high grade white'...and she asks "is it a killing dose?" WTF?


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1004 - Future War - 6 days ago

28 minutes in: "Terrible habit, girl." Said to a nun wearing a habit. And the riff? "Hey, not on the floor..." Really dropped the ball there, Tom.


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1004 - Future War - 12 months ago

Trixie: "I ran you threw the machine, Funky. And....how is 29 times the lady possible? Only Rom from DS9 could be the same."
That's horse&^%#.
Trixie: "Was that a strong emotional response? And what do you feel about horses?"
I love horses naturally. Would ride one some...hay."
Trixie: "How's your cooking, cleaning, and gardening?"
....That's enough, woman.
Trixie: "Speak for yourself. And do you check out porn for the physical sex or the emotional orgasmic connection between two or more people?"
If you don't stop, I'll imagine a Xenomorph in my head.
Trixie: "Okay you win. You're even moody. Big woman..."


OT: Last Starwolf post. I promise!
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Forum - 8 days ago

I've written up my full summaries of the three books and posted them in my profile if anyone wants to be spoiled for the original stories. If no one wants to read them, that's fine, too. I mostly did it because I had the time and I liked the books. :)

One interesting side note regarding the names.

In Fugitive Alien, it's Valna. In the books it's Varna. One of the Starwolves (hardly the main guy but the name is similar.), is Harkann. The main bad guy in FA is Halkann. In the first book, Yorolin is from the planet Vhol. They say Vaholi in FA. They kept some of the names the same, but others are just slightly different and I wonder why.


Question #2
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Forum - 7 days ago

To follow up Autopilot, what do you consider the most shocking riff? It could be anything -- something risque that slipped by the network, or perhaps humor that was fine in 1990 but offends 21st Century sensibilities. I think my choice would be (can't remember the episode -- maybe I Accuse My Parents) where a guy walks into the scene with a woman and Servo says "I brought the vag." It's close between that and "the three spooges" from Slime People.


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The unspoken language of bald men.


OT: Starwolf review!
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Forum - 9 days ago

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath for my review of the Starwolf series by Edmond Hamilton. For those unaware, Fugitive Alien and Fugitive Alien 2 come from a Japanese TV series which was based on a trilogy written by an American scifi author in the 60s.

The short version is that I loved the books. They're only about 150 pages a piece and there's no important societal message being given. It's just a good story with an interesting couple of characters.

I'm not going to spoil the story here in case anyone wants to read the books, but I'll put a full review in my profile posts. That way I can be long-winded, too. :)

Long version below:

First, to recap the background that is different from the movies. Humans did not evolve on Earth. They are the remnants of a much older species who populated most of the galaxy eons before and the different planets all have different humanoid inhabitants based on evolutionary pressures. Earth is the oldest civilization and they are mostly Mercs (mercenaries) who have a strict code of honor and try not to use lethal force unless absolutely necessary. Varna is a planet of thieves. It is a heavy-gravity planet and they use that to help them in their raids because every other planet's gravity feels like nothing to them. They got star-faring technology from Earth and then turned right around and used it for plunder. The Varnans have thin, golden fur and Chane (Ken) has always stood out as a human because of his dark hair and eyes. His parents were missionaries to Varna and died under the pressure of the heavy gravity, but Chane, who was born there, managed to survive and grew up in it, giving him the same abilities as any Varnan. Dilullo (Capt. Joe) had a family who died in a house fire, not a Varna raid.

Starwolf #1: The Weapon from Beyond -- In this one, we meet the two main characters: Morgan Chane (which would be Starwolf Ken) and John Dilullo (Capt. Joe). The story opens with Chane on the run from the Starwolves because he killed a fellow Starwolf (Ssander) after a raid (NOT on Earth) and Ssander had tried to steal some of Chane's loot. Ssander tried to kill Chane and injured him, but Chane killed him in return. He went on the run and blew up his own ship in order to destroy evidence that he was a Starwolf. He's found by Dilullo who almost immediately figures out what he is. The events of Fugitive Alien and the first half of Fugitive Alien 2 are mostly contained in this book, although there are obviously a lot of changes.

Starwolf #2: The Closed Worlds -- It starts out on Earth. Chane is wandering around, bored, and Dilullo tells him that he'd better not get in any trouble or his secret will be told (YOU'RE STUCK HERE! is not spoken, but the threat is there). So he travels to Wales, where his parents had grown up before traveling to Varna and meets some of his parents friends and then makes some Welsh pals there until Dilullo calls him back to go on another mission. This one is to find a rich merchant's lost brother who went to the so-called Closed Worlds to find some major secret. Chane does meet a girl in this one, her name is Vreya.

Starwolf #3: The World of the Starwolves -- Dilullo has tried to retire but Chane (who is bored again and doesn't have a real Merc mission going) lures him out of his hopeless retirement to go to a mysterious planet to retrieve some stolen jewels called the Singing Suns. The mission turns into a disaster and Chane decides to risk death by returning to Varna in order to recoup their losses and get some tasty revenge. In this one, we meet Graal, a Varnan woman who teases Chane but doesn't despise him completely. She plays a very minor role.

I'll write longer summaries of the stories and post them on my profile, but it might not be until tomorrow. Suffice it to say that I loved this series and I'm so glad that I bought it. Hooray for Fugitive Alien and MST3K for introducing me to these books!


Recent Riffs

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311 - It Conquered the World - over 1 year ago

Hey, where's the voiceover guy? Did he go to the bathroom or something?


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108 - The Slime People - over 1 year ago

"Did you actually see the wall?" No, I saw them on the Dark Side of the Moon tour.


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The unspoken language of bald men.


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108 - The Slime People - over 1 year ago

Kissing you is like plunging my tongue into a vat of shiitake mushrooms.


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408 - Hercules Unchained - over 1 year ago

"What's my name?" Who's my daddy? Is he rich like me?


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424 - Manos: The Hands of Fate - over 1 year ago

So. So, I told Gary that I was going on this vacation. So he goes, "Well, then, I'm goin' huntin' with Jeff next weekend." Well, then, that's when we were at Nigh's. Well, then Lou sang Fernando, and Gary, oh he sings so good. You should meet Jeff sometime. Do you like Barry Manilow songs? I know that farmers need rain, but when it's damp like this, my hair just explodes! Just explodes. Ooo, I'm feeling kinda gassy. McNuggets, they make me so gassy, you know all that grease, you know. It really helps if you drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. But you know sometimes I drink 5, sometimes I drink 9 to make up for the other 3 I didn't drink. Coffee and diet drinks don't count, either. You know, this is pretty country, isn't it? You know it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college, huh? You know, I'm going to have to revise my twenty year plan, but... Oh, did I tell you about my twenty year plan? Okay, well. Okay, listen here. In year one, this is the year where I'm going to take off those extra seven pounds. You know that's equal to seven pounds of butter? Heh heh heh! So it's like I'm wearin' seven pounds of butter! Ha! Eh, oh... Where was I? Oh, oh yes. So my aunt and uncle here were celebrating their twentieth anniversary. My uncle wanted to sing Sunrise, Sunset. He wanted me to sing that, and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding, and, well, she never thanked me for that. Well, I'm still, uh... Well, she's probably really busy and all...


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502 - Hercules - over 1 year ago

(Chariot runs out of control) PUT IT IN SECOND!


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603 - The Dead Talk Back - over 1 year ago

Uh, excuse me, any of you know what evil lurks in the heart of man?


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420 - The Human Duplicators - over 1 year ago

Now this is why I bought the place.
You know, you don't usually find a full dungeon in Southern California.
No, you usually get kind of a half dungeon, is all.


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107 - Robot Monster - over 1 year ago

You MIT guys think you're pretty tough!


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107 - Robot Monster - over 1 year ago

He flies better than Superman!


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602 - Invasion USA - over 1 year ago

Do they really have to follow the roads when they're flying?
It's the freeway to the danger zone.