Rocket J. Forklift (Paul-Gabriel Wiener)
In Third star to the left, and straight on 'til midafternoon
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Hi there! There's no place for an "about me" thing in the profile, so I'm posting on my own wall. If you're curious enough to come to this page, maybe you want to know something. So here are a few things, in no particular order:

* I have long names. Call me whatever works. I usually go by "Paul." "Rocky" works here. The full screen name is just there to amuse me.

* "Favorite" episodes are unsorted, and somewhat arbitrary. Depends on my mood when I watched. But I'm generally not one to pick favorites. I enjoy something or not, on its own terms. I don't like pitting them against each other to say which is better or not as good.

* I'm fairly open about stuff, and I like getting to know cool people. Feel free to drop me a line, ask questions, check out my FB profile. Or not. Whatever floats your giant turtle.

That's it for now. Have a MSTie day, and keep circulating the AVI files!

Favorite Episodes

  1. The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
  2. Phase IV
  3. SST: Death Flight
  4. Robot Monster
  5. Moon Zero Two
  6. Untamed Youth
  7. Cave Dwellers
  8. Pod People
  9. Catalina Caper
  10. Time of the Apes
  11. War of the Colossal Beast
  12. The Unearthly
  13. The Giant Gila Monster
  14. Teenagers from Outer Space
  15. Attack of the Giant Leeches
  16. Hercules Unchained
  17. Mighty Jack
  18. Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
  19. Fugitive Alien
  20. The Magic Sword
  21. Hercules and the Captive Women
  22. Fire Maidens of Outer Space
  23. The Rebel Set
  24. The Human Duplicators
  25. Bride of the Monster
  26. Manos: The Hands of Fate
  27. Warrior of the Lost World
  28. Secret Agent Super Dragon
  29. The Magic Voyage of Sinbad
  30. Operation Double 007
  31. The Girl in Lovers Lane
  32. Gunslinger
  33. Mitchell
  34. The Wild World of Batwoman
  35. Alien from L.A.
  36. Outlaw of Gor
  37. Radar Secret Service
  38. 12 to the Moon
  39. The Skydivers
  40. Last of the Wild Horses
  41. The Starfighters

Recent Comments with recent replies

Pitch Meeting Theater: Fire Maidens
416 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space - almost 4 years ago
3 laughs

1 reply Comment icon

(With thanks/apologies to Alex C, who started it in Sidehackers.)

"Have I got a movie for you!"
"Yeah? Tell me about it."
"A bunch of astronauts land on a planet filled with women in short skirts."
"Okay, I like it. So what happens? "
"What do you mean?"
"They land on the planet, and...?"
"There are women there. And they're wearing short skirts."
"And they're real lonely because the only man there is their father."
"Wait, is this Pirates of Penzance?"
"Penzance? What's that?"
"Never mind. So what happens?"
"Happens? The women are lonely. So... Uh... They capture two of the men. "
"Wait, is this pornography?"
"No, no. Of course not."
"It's sounding a lot like one of those letters in Penthouse Magazine."
"I, uhm, have, er, no idea what that is. Is it a magazine about nice apartments?"
"Right, sure. Why are there only women on this planet?"
"The plot doesn't work otherwise."
"Silly me. So, fine. They capture two of the men. What about the others?"
"They have to wait outside."
"Outside what? "
"Uhm, Atlantis."
"Atlantis?! I thought you said this was in outer space."
"It is! This is the remains of a colony. The people of Atlantis knew the place was sinking, so they moved to one of the moons of Jupiter."
"They what? Fine, whatever. They're on one of the moons of... Wait, I thought it was a planet."
"What's the difference?"
"Never mind. So why do the other men have to wait outside?"
"You said you didn't want it to be a porno. We've got to show something else."
"Anyway, it builds tension, see? Because they don't know what's going on inside!"
"Ah, yes. Of course! So they attempt a daring rescue?"
"Huh? No, they just sit around, fretting."
"Uh-huh. Anything else?"
"Uhm, and... uh... There's this monster! A big, scary one! Bulletproof and everything!"
"A monster? Now you're talking! What does it do? "
"It, uh, lurks in the bushes and kind of follows people around."
"And then?"
"Well, it lurks some more. Builds tension, see?"
"Uh-huh. So how does it end?"
"Oh, uh... Let me see... The monster breaks in!"
"Action! At last! Does it terrorize them? Is there a fight?"
"No, no! What, you want to give the audience heart attacks?"
"Heart attacks? What..? "
"My uncle Lou is going to be in the audience. He wouldn't miss it! And he's got a very weak ticker. A fight scene would kill him! You want to kill my uncle Lou, is that it?"
"No. Uh, of course not. Perish the thought. What was I thinking? Okay, then, what happens with the monster?"
"Oh, they trip it and throw it in a fire. You can't see it, of course. Uncle Lou would never survive."
"What happens to the old man?"
"What old man?"
"The father."
"He dies."
"Does the monster get him?"
"What? No! What's wrong with you? He dies peacefully, in his sleep, after drinking too much wine, surrounded by beautiful women. Just like uncle Lou would want."
"So what you're telling me is that two guys get captured by a bunch of women, and nothing happens."
"Pretty much. Isn't that what I said in the first place?"
"Why would I want to make that into a movie?"
"Did I mention the women are wearing short skirts?"
"How short are we talking?"
"Very! You can see their knees!"

108 - The Slime People - almost 4 years ago
2 laughs

4 replies Comment icon

I am very confused by that fan letter. The girl writes to the MST3K crew, and asks them for... an address she can write to?

Idiocy, Thy Name Is Tom Gregory
108 - The Slime People - about 5 years ago
7 laughs

6 replies Comment icon

So Tom Gregory flies into LA, sees it wrecked, people dead, etc. Bonnie tells him the tale of the Slime People and how the Army fought them and lost. Then he mentions that he's a newscaster ("sports, mostly"). How could he not have heard about this story?? The ARMY fought monsters. The entire city of Los Angeles was EVACUATED. Yet it's all news to this asshat "newscaster."

108 - The Slime People - about 2 years ago
2 laughs

4 replies Comment icon

Tolliver gets left just outside the door and they don't even bother checking on him. There's no chance he could have survived. Five minutes later, Bonnie disappears and they know she's alive because of course the slime people would kidnap her to draw the rest of them out.

In other news, salt water dissolves the fog wall, but at no point during the war did human blood have any noticeable effect.

319 - War of the Colossal Beast - almost 4 years ago
4 laughs

4 replies Comment icon

10 laughs

6 replies Comment icon

Mars is supposed to be this bleak, draconian place, yet they have ice-cream and tickle-rays.

6 laughs

4 replies Comment icon

I love all the dashboard readings in this... Tenperature, Sunny Side, Other Side... And the one from the first half, Air Presser or something similar...

Explain Your Avatar
Forum - over 1 year ago
3 laughs

43 replies Comment icon

Some of these forum avatars are too damn small to make out what/who they are. Who has some 'splainin' to do?

...and get off my damn lawn....

So let me get this straight...
407 - The Killer Shrews - almost 4 years ago
6 laughs

5 replies Comment icon

The problem is the growing threat of overpopulation. The doc's solution is to slow down human metabolism so we consume fewer resources. (Really, this would only affect food consumption.) Put aside for the moment that he can do so without reducing activity level. (Which is either a direct self-contradiction or what he really means is that he's increasing efficiency.) The side effects of his plan are, he tells us, twofold. First, humans will be half their present size. (Which means the next step of his plan will be to convince the entire human race to choose to have dwarf children.) The second is that the human lifespan will be doubled. (Er, doc? I thought the point of this exercise was to address overpopulation. You don't see any problem...? No? Okay, then...) His method for bringing on this massive change in biology is breeding. (Which, in the case of humans, means eugenics. So maybe, instead of a species-wide breeding program, it would be simpler and easier to just convince the entire human race to limit themselves to two children per couple?) He's chosen shrews as his test subjects because their two-week life cycle allows him to rapidly advance his breeding program. (The nine months he's been at this translates into roughly 18 generations, then? If you're so worried about the looming threat, maybe you should try for a solution that won't take centuries to implement?) Unfortunately, in the course of his experiments to make animals smaller and less hungry (which he says have been successful) , he somehow produced a generation of mutants that grew to 20 times the size of their parents (how does that work?) while remaining just as ravenous as the creatures he started out with in the first place. Also, they're immune to poison. In fact, they can drink it up, store it in their saliva glands (which were never designed to do any such thing), and keep it in their mouths for days without ever running out. A poison, mind you, which is so deadly that a mere scratch will kill an adult human in about a minute. Oh, and also, despite the whole point being to reduce their metabolism, they're no longer nocturnal, and will hunt night and day even as they starve to death. But, while they will turn upon each other, they'll only do so as an absolute last resort, which means that they'll first hunt down the last remaining food on the island, and not even bother going after the corpses of their own, which said food has killed.

Is that about right? Did I miss anything? No wonder the spineless ex-fiancée drank so much.

Forum - 4 months ago
0 laughs

19 replies Comment icon

I keep trying to make these uncommentable and you keep frustrating me. This should learn ya.

405 - Being from Another Planet - about 2 years ago
1 laugh

2 replies Comment icon

I just noticed for the first time, when they were X-Raying the mummy, they were all just standing around it with no protection. They all got Ten times the normal does.

Forum - 5 months ago
1 laugh

8 replies Comment icon

Which KTMA ep would you most like see riffed in later seasons and which trio would you like doing the riffing? Choose ones not reriffed already in later eps and feel free to choose multiple eps and trios(I like the word trio).

Recent Riffs

311 - It Conquered the World - almost 4 years ago
3 laughs

1 reply Comment icon

"For a few dollars, you hire a woman who will fit all your fetishes. She'll match your requirements perfectly. And if you ever get tired of her, you can run down to the employment agency for another!" *runs away in tears*
That's a great idea! Honey, you're brilliant!!

113 - The Black Scorpion - almost 4 years ago
2 laughs

2 replies Comment icon

You know, Gary talked that way to me once. ... Once.

311 - It Conquered the World - almost 4 years ago
2 laughs

1 reply Comment icon

He never used to make deals with the devil before...

607 - Bloodlust - over 3 years ago
2 laughs


Thank you for your request to come pick you up. We are sorry to inform you that we cannot...

414 - Tormented - almost 4 years ago
1 laugh

2 replies Comment icon

Charles Moffett...

K09 - Phase IV - almost 4 years ago
2 laughs

1 reply Comment icon

Servo: Come on, Joel! We're joshing you!
(Does it count as a riff if it's in a host segment? What if it's meta?)

424 - Manos: The Hands of Fate - over 3 years ago
4 laughs

3 replies Comment icon

So. So, I told Gary that I was going on this vacation. So he goes, "Well, then, I'm goin' huntin' with Jeff next weekend." Well, then, that's when we were at Nigh's. Well, then Lou sang Fernando, and Gary, oh he sings so good. You should meet Jeff sometime. Do you like Barry Manilow songs? I know that farmers need rain, but when it's damp like this, my hair just explodes! Just explodes. Ooo, I'm feeling kinda gassy. McNuggets, they make me so gassy, you know all that grease, you know. It really helps if you drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. But you know sometimes I drink 5, sometimes I drink 9 to make up for the other 3 I didn't drink. Coffee and diet drinks don't count, either. You know, this is pretty country, isn't it? You know it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college, huh? You know, I'm going to have to revise my twenty year plan, but... Oh, did I tell you about my twenty year plan? Okay, well. Okay, listen here. In year one, this is the year where I'm going to take off those extra seven pounds. You know that's equal to seven pounds of butter? Heh heh heh! So it's like I'm wearin' seven pounds of butter! Ha! Eh, oh... Where was I? Oh, oh yes. So my aunt and uncle here were celebrating their twentieth anniversary. My uncle wanted to sing Sunrise, Sunset. He wanted me to sing that, and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding, and, well, she never thanked me for that. Well, I'm still, uh... Well, she's probably really busy and all...

K15 - Superdome - about 2 years ago
0 laughs


"Show them a quarterback and all they see is a capitol asset..."
Only off by two letters.

K14 - Mighty Jack - about 2 years ago
0 laughs


He looks like Frank Conniff.

K14 - Mighty Jack - about 2 years ago
0 laughs


They dubbed his fingers!

K14 - Mighty Jack - about 2 years ago
0 laughs


What some street performers will do to get an audience...

K10 - Cosmic Princess - about 2 years ago
1 laugh


It's the gorilla his dreams.