Steve-Headed Pig-Benton
In Oceania

Wall Posts

1 laugh

1 reply Comment icon

Steve, I hope you've had a chance to see my reply to the nice note you left on my wall awhile ago. I'm back from the Brain 'n' Body Shop again, and have hopes you will be visiting us all once more in Forumvilla (you are missed, monsieur - please do not ask us all to beg. Heck, I am already down on my one good knee). Best of ye olde (and ye newe) holiday wishes! : )

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - 7 months ago
1 laugh


Caramel apples are a part of my life. This dates back to my childhood, where a night of trick-or-treating was not complete without stopping at my grandmother's house for the chewy orb-like confections. The melding of caramel and apple seemed to me in those days a confection ordained by the creator.
Hyperbole, you say?
And it is not just the association with those days, the powerful nostalgia that comes from tasting and smelling something and associating it with familiar and comforting memories, even though I know that scientifically speaking, smell is the most provocative memory enhancers of all the senses. I simply adore that combination of flavors. And even though, like Colonel Glenn Manning, I have a whole head full of goofy dental work, I still have to have to find time to savor one sometime during harvest time, the closer to Hallowe'en the better.

Now, CANDY apples- don't get me started. Candy apples are for FREAKS!

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - 12 months ago
0 laughs

3 replies Comment icon

Hi folks. I have been absent due to a personal tragedy that I caused.
My precious, adored Border Collie...I made mistakes that cost him his life. The unfathomable depths of my despair have been dark. Making it even harder to deal with was how I integrated his name and personality - a real character, a born clown, and since he was a BC, smart as a whip- into the MST3k theme song.
His name was Marcus. The "new" theme song went as follows:
In the not too distant future,
There lives a dog named Mar Mar,
An adorable Border Collie,
He worked at the sheep dog trial show,
A handsome gent in his tuxedo,
He did a good job puttin' sheeps in their place,
Til the day they wouldn't mind him so he shot'em in their face

"We're very disappointed", the trial judges said,
"We need sheep brought to market, not shot in the head.
So keep in mind we won't abide a willful collie like that"
So he said "Well, then, screw you guys, I'll go play with my cat!"
(Collie roll call)
Marcus! Marcus! Marcus! Marrrrrrrrrrrr-cus!
If you're woundering just what the hell this whole song is about,
Repeat to yourself "He's a collie dog" and whip your Frisbee out...
For Border Collie Theater, 3000.


A lot of heavy stuff had come down before then, and I was already struggling. Causing Marcus's death...I just lost the will to live.

Jaguar Wong Abides - over 2 years ago
1 laugh


Hey Steve, is everything alright or have things gotten better?!? Doc said he talked to you recently but just wanted to hear straight from the horse's mouth...

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - almost 3 years ago
0 laughs

3 replies Comment icon

Something has happened. I may not make it back from this. I hope those of you I've loved know who you are because I don't want to list all of you and forget someone.
I may make one more post. But I may not. Love and peace and more strength than I have to you all.

Jaguar Wong Abides - almost 3 years ago
0 laughs


Hey Steve, wanted to let you know Phantom Chicken is now Jaguar Wong...Same weird f*cker just a different name ;)

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - almost 3 years ago
3 laughs


They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate;
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses,
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - about 3 years ago
2 laughs


My guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect

Good and bad, I define these terms

Quite clear, no doubt, somehow

Ah, but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now

0 laughs

1 reply Comment icon

What was my nickname that involved the word "salesman"? I don't even remember that.

0 laughs


Hey. STEVE-A-RINO. ::end Woody Harrelson to Randy Quaid in 'Kingpin' voice where they're pretending to be dictionary salesmen to hustle people and Randy Quaid's character forgets his name is supposed to be 'Steve':: How's everything?

Steve-Headed Pig-Benton - over 3 years ago
0 laughs

2 replies Comment icon

" How am I supposed to fix this guy? He's fucked!"

Hey everybody (whoever you might be).
Something has gone brilliantly wrong with this clunker. Dealing with more pain than I have in the over 25 years since my first knee replacements.

Favorite Episodes

  1. Godzilla vs. Megalon
  2. Cave Dwellers
  3. Monster A-Go Go
  4. Manos: The Hands of Fate
  5. Pod People
  6. Catalina Caper
  7. Fugitive Alien
  8. Lost Continent
  9. War of the Colossal Beast
  10. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
  11. The Beatniks
  12. Rocketship X-M
  13. Ring of Terror
  14. The Indestructible Man
  15. Master Ninja I
  16. Daddy-O
  17. The Amazing Colossal Man
  18. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
  19. Night of the Blood Beast
  20. Gamera vs. Guiron
  21. Attack of the the Eye Creatures
  22. Warrior of the Lost World
  23. Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell
  24. Gamera
  25. Teenagers from Outer Space
  26. Earth vs. the Spider
  27. Attack of the Giant Leeches
  28. Crash of the Moons
  29. The Creeping Terror
  30. Teenage Strangler
  31. The Giant Gila Monster
  32. The Sword and the Dragon
  33. Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
  34. Master Ninja II
  35. Mitchell
  36. Eegah
  37. The Day the Earth Froze
  38. Bride of the Monster
  39. The Skydivers
  40. Outlaw of Gor
  41. Alien from L.A.
  42. Gamera vs. Zigra
  43. The Wild World of Batwoman
  44. Hercules
  45. The Crawling Eye
  46. Jungle Goddess
  47. Santa Claus
  48. Samson Vs The Vampire Women
  49. The Sinister Urge
  50. King Dinosaur
  51. Escape 2000
  52. Laserblast
  53. The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent
  54. The Killer Shrews
  55. Hercules Unchained
  56. The Beast of Yucca Flats
  57. Radar Secret Service
  58. Robot Monster
  59. Gamera vs. Barugon
  60. The Magic Sword
  61. The Brain that Wouldn't Die
  62. Manhunt in Space
  63. Beginning of the End
  64. The Dead Talk Back
  65. Last of the Wild Horses
  66. Teenage Crime Wave
  67. Gamera vs. Gaos
  68. Wild Rebels
  69. Angels' Revenge
  70. The Hellcats
  71. Rocket Attack USA
  72. Girls Town
  73. Tormented
  74. Hercules and the Captive Women
  75. The Violent Years
  76. Hercules Against the Moon Men
  77. Zombie Nightmare
  78. The Crawling Hand
  79. Robot Holocaust
  80. Teenage Caveman
  81. Mighty Jack
  82. The Unearthly
  83. Fire Maidens of Outer Space
  84. The Rebel Set
  85. City Limits

Recent Comments with recent replies

NCNL XIII you lucky people
Forum - about 19 hours ago
0 laughs

7 replies Comment icon

Mornington Crescent rules this week. Sequential laighs allowed, but no diagonals, except on days with a "Y" in them.

Que sera, sera
Forum - 6 days ago
4 laughs

2 replies Comment icon

RIP Doris Day. She was too good to appear even in one of those washed-up Hollywood TV movies. Except for soundtracks.

What th' !??!??!?!?!!
Forum - 5 days ago
3 laughs

10 replies Comment icon

RIP Dorf. Short guy, long on laughs. I first saw Tim Conway on McHale's Navy and didn't realize how hilarious he was until much later. As a parent I loved hearing him and Ernest Borgnine together again on SpongeBob.

Forum - 6 days ago
5 laughs

7 replies Comment icon

For those few who might be wondering, Dad is well on the road to full recovery. He's still lacking a bit of stamina (understandable), but he's eating normally. He went to all of church yesterday. My mom just sent me an email that he's actually gone out to his wood shop to work. It's been probably two months since he's been out there.

So I guess I'm going to need to ask him if he's ready for me to make his favorite cookies. :)

B-Movie Book Club
Forum - 5 days ago
3 laughs

2 replies Comment icon

I have just finished "With Nails", which is excerpts from Richard E.Grant's movie-making diaries. It qualifies for B-Movie literature, due to an entire section dedicated to the making of the Mega-B flop 'Hudson Hawk'.
Now I am a few chapters into Bruce Campbell's latest tome, "Hail to the Chin".

Both highly recommended. Grant's book is outrageous, while Campbell is as likeable and entertaining as he was in "If Chins could kill".

2 laughs

2 replies Comment icon

*°*°*°*°*° CLEARANCE SALE! *°*°*°*°*°*°
After more decades than I can count, it appears I finally have enough points to retire from this Reaping gig and move into new areas of challenge, if not actual and outright relaxation. Toward that end, take a look among my yard sale career bricabrac, job souvenirs, assorted trinkets, and fine collection of famous last words! Pick up for a song what these babies originally cost me in entire orchestras! No offer refused! Bring your own bag and take 25% off your total! Huzzah!

The Grim Reaper | Nothing Personal, Just Business™
The Grim Reaper | Your tour guide to the other side
The Grim Reaper | Cease the Day
The Grin Reaper | Hey, What are YOU Grinning About?
The Wind Reaper | No, Nevermind - That One's Not Going Back Inside ME!
The Swim Reaper | I'm Doing the Underhanded Australiam Pub Crawl, Why?
The Whim Reaper | Winner of the Scythe Young Award™
The Trim Reaper | Wainscoting Done at Reasonable Rates
The Limb Reaper | Have Scythe, Will Travel™
The Chin-Wipin’ Reaper | Have Sushi Burrito, Will Daub a Lot
The Fringe Reaper | “Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were dying?”
The Gin Reaper | “Abra-cadaver!”
The Crimp Reaper | “Sorry, I can’t hear out of this eye.”
The Cramp Reaper | Not Naughts, just Naughty Knots
The Hymn Reaper | “There’s going to be some turbulence seeing as we have one wing.”
The Gym Reaper | “Pants, totally filled!”
The Kim Reaper | “My wallaby means a lot to me.”
The Pim’s Chocolate Cookie Reaper | Anything above 95º and I am just death warmed over!
The Rim Reaper | “A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!”
The Tums© Reaper | RIP better mean Rest In Pizza!
The Vim Reaper | So, trouser browsers all around then!
The Win Reaper | Cash Flagg on the Moon, Baby!
The Yen Reaper | "My money's on the big guy!"
The Slim Reaper | “His underwear and his hat are interchangeable.”
The Work-a-Day Reaper | "That's the thing about a job like this. I never think 'I have to go to work tomorrow.' I just love it that much."
The Grimacing Reaper | “Ever kissed a dog? You know, right on the mouth?”
The Recalcitrant Reaper | “Back when NASA was family-owned and operated!”
The Crony Reaper | This is a stupid space program - I’m gonna go work for my uncle’s space program!
Last of the Wild Reapers | “Yippie-DIE-aye-AY!"
Last of the Wild Reapers | I’m gonna go walk in front of a bus.”
Last of the Wild Reapers 2: The Saga Limps Along Some | I’m gonna go kill myself again…”
The Idiotic Reaper | “Lucy, I’m dead!”
The Idiomatic Reaper | “Look at how dead he is!”
The Idiomatic Reaper (later that same night) | “Well, he’s still dead.”
The Idiomatic Reaper Dreams | “It’s as if he’s dead.”
The Swinging-Ladder Reaper | “There, I fixed it.”
The Principle of Reaper Junior High | "Hoodies will now be allowed. Bite me."
The Vengeful Reaper | “A wounded being that large isn’t good!”
The Custodial Reaper | Death rides comfortably with Central Moving & Storage.
The Stringer Reaper | "I better take my pants off and do some typing."
The Theatrical Numismatist Reaper | “I am being severely backlit!”
The Numismatist Reaper | "Hang on and I'll show you coin of the realm!"
The Crimp Reaper | Only the Numb Survive
The Crumb Reaper | Ah, Mr. Homeless People! Once again, we see that there is nothing that you can possess that I cannot take away!
The Sporting Reaper | “He should have worn a cup.”
The Grump Reaper | "You kids get off my lawn!"
The Frump Reaper | We are flabbergasted for you, so you can don’t have to - save your precious natural flabber and gast today!
The Gram Reaper | Souls Measured by Weight, Not Volume ™
The Chimp Reaper | An intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance
The Graham Reaper | Hold on! “S’mores & More" sale’s next week!
The Grommet Reaper | Yacht Clubs are just Holes in the Ocean and More!
The Tin Reaper | Try new Cromwell’s Condemned Soups™ today!
The Hamdinger Reaper | “Killed by vapor action.”
The Harumph Reaper | “Hey, wait! Didn't you see the Bridge of Death sign back there?”
The Alert Reaper | “Dead people have too much time on their hands.”
The Elusive Reaper | Don't tell Frank 'cause then I would have to kill him!
The Secretive Reaper | Enigmatic bastard, isn’t he?
The Reaper | ♪♫ Tooool Operatorrrr ♬♫
The Hometown Reaper | “I like to sleep with my head in a catcher's mitt!”
The Avuncular Reaper | “Never make light of boing, son.”
The Wiley Reaper | “Just as Jim closes in for the kill, so does Mutual of Omaha…close in for the kill.”
The Relaxing Reaper | “Tonight on Dr. Kevorkian, MD…”
The Exasperated Reaper | “Don't the dead just bug you? Come on, back me up.”
The Grinch Reaper | Calling me Frosty makes my snowballs itch
The Grinch Reaper | More Nog, Less Egg!
The Grinch Reaper | Less Eggnoggin’, More Toboggan!
The Grinch Reaper | Less Ponderin' with Noggin’s, More Dangerous Toboggans!
The Ham Reaper | " First, take one can of devil-dolled ham-and-puppet mix..."
The Jam Reaper | "Ooooh, sticky fingers, baby!"
The Cam Reaper | No, I just know about the Thrush pipes and Hooker headers.
The Cambot Reaper | Stop trying to rewind these DVDs, willya?!
The Lamb Reaper | Guess how many bags full I am today.
The Ram Reaper | If you keep honking your horn, I'm gonna make you blow something else, you nitwit!
The M’am Reaper | Good vending machine manners are never out of order.
The ‘Nam Reaper | [moment of silence]
The SAM Reaper | Incoming!
The Whamo Reaper | Free Frisbees for Life? Oh, If I get them down from the garage, you mean.
The Shazam! Reaper | Crap! I liked my OLD costume and powers BETTER!
The Gimp Reaper | “Death rides comfortably with Central Moving & Storage!”
The Compassionate Reaper | “Hold me closer, tiny Death.”
The Glam Reaper | “I'm half Bondo®.”
The Pam Reaper | Cooking Tip: Never store combustibles with your old people.
T.G. Reaper, Test Pilot | breaking the blood-brain barrier since 2013
The Hamdinger Reaper | The budget-stretcher that comes with its own life-size stretcher!™
The Spam Reaper | Fresh snouts for them with a nose for gnus!™
The Hamdinger Reaper | Packed eight to a can with care for family and friends - who'll all pack YOUR can without ANY! ™
The Cafetorium Reaper | “I’m a lunch lady at heart.”
The Dim Sum Reaper | “I’m a lunch lady at heart.”
The Heath Reaper | The Moor the Merrier
The Moor Reaper | The Moor the Merrier
The Slim Reaper | Does this hoodie make my scythe look big?
The Sim Reaper | Why settle for reality? ™
The Buttoned-Up Reaper | “Touch a button, things happen.”
The Buttoned-Down Reaper | “Touch a button, things happen.”
The Zen Reaper | “Touch a button, things happen.”
The Zen Reaper | “I dedicate this song to Thorazine.”
The Zen Reaper | Just Business. Nothing Personal™
The Biz Reaper | Just Business. Nothing Personal™
The Hymn Reaper | Peace is our Profession. (The “Rest” is up to you.)
The Brim Reaper | “Here’s your hat - what’s your hurry?”
The Grump Reaper | Cease the Day™
The Dim Reaper | “Well, here’s your problem - you’re dead!” | (this riff from "The Beast of Yucca Flats," is one I laughed at so hard, and for so long, when I first heard it, that I died a few more times, by accident)
The Yin-Yang Reaper | “His hat and his underwear are interchangeable.“
ReaperCo | Your Timekeepers - for Keepsakes and for Keeps™
The Grim Reaper | aka Frosty the Woe-Man
The Gift Reaper | Heeeeeeere’s SANTA!
The Reaper Tracks Santa's Every Move With Regret, Knowing that the Jolly Old Elf's "Sleighbell Runner 3000" Gig Could Have Been His IF He'd Had a Larger Downpayment and a Red Suit, NOT a Long Hoodie (with Mandatory Farm Implement Accessory). Dang.
The Gift Reaper | “Santa’s doing the forbidden dance!”
The Grinch Reaper | Come, we will drink a special yuletide tranya!
The Wassailing Reaper | “That's right - I said a whole case of vodka.”
The Solstice Reaper | "We can't all be the Honey Nut Cheerios honeybee."
The Grinch Reaper | Less Joggin’, More Toboggan!
The Grinch Reaper | The password is “Missile-Toe,” countersign: ”Keg-Nog”
The Grinch Reaper | Merry FilmMess & Happy HollyCheese!
The Grimms’ Reaper | Free Fairytales with Every Trip


One white, one black, one blonde
Forum - 7 days ago
3 laughs

7 replies Comment icon

RIP Peggy Lipton. She was central to one of those riffs that the whippersnappers will never appreciate.

Forum - 9 days ago
1 laugh

16 replies Comment icon

You have been very good about no laighs so well done.

Recent Riffs

107 - Robot Monster - almost 3 years ago
2 laughs


"Man, somebody's gotta take that kid outta the rain".

K09 - Phase IV - over 3 years ago
1 laugh


TOM SERVO: "You know...This ant problem seems kinda' minor in the midst of the flying turtle problems the people of Japan experienced. I think we're being insensitive."

K06 - Gamera vs. Gaos - over 3 years ago
1 laugh


"If we could arrange in some way for it to be distracted we could attack it with safety..."
...we can tap it on one shoulder and appear over the other.