Listen, all you screw-heads" I been reading all your posts and they were putting me to sleep; You need Randy and his R-rated insanity!

Listen, I am very excited for the MST3K reunion and the kickstarter there, (to which I contributed) but what is really interesting is my fiancé and his boyfriend.

Or, as I like to call it, "My boyfriends' boyfriend..." which co-relates to the Type-O Negative song "My Girlfriends' Girlfriend..."

linked here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgkBWZXVLyk

Yes, it is St Patty's Day, I'm Irish, so... obviously, I'm drunk. But what does that mean? I can't have sex with two men at once?!? Really?!?!

You're right, this is really wrong... I'm a bad, bad man....

...(Ken Clark) makes his MST3k debut in "Attack of the Giant Leeches", but manages to keep his shirt on...until ep. 524, "12 to the Moon", in which he becomes Clint Beefpile (John Anderson) and many more similar names in the original version of the shtick -but not the same names- they reuse for "Space Mutiny".
Ask your average MSTies where the following nicknames came from and they're likely to guess ep.820:
Cliff Beefpile
Sledge Riprock
Tank Concrete
Bronc Drywall
Stump Hugelarge
Chunk Pylon
Chunk Manmusk
Ron Codpiece
Sledge Fisthammer
Clint Stompheader
Chuck Hardslab
Chunk Ironchest .

Hi you crazy kids of the Forum. It's been a long while and I was craving an episode, not sure which one just yet -- and I wanted to pop by and say hello.
Now WHERE THE HECK IS RANDY?

Another contender for future riffing. But unlike 'Gwendoline' the flesh exposed is strictly non-breastical or even chestical. So it could be a contender, based on unbounded enthusiasm and genuine awfulness.

Starcrash (1978)

Definitely not an Italian cash-in on the Star Wars© craze... Scene 1 - enter a spaceship from the top of the screen (whoops!).

The spaceship immediately gets attacked by the inside of a lava lamp. Extras die theatrically. Three escape pods lift off. I say "lift off" because you can see the stick that they are attached to, lifting them off the main ship.

But never mind all that, because this film stars two-time Bond girl Caroline Munro as Stella Star, in a series of costumes (definitely not rip-offs of Barbarella©) that run from skimpy to transparent and all points in between. Her sidekick Akton, however, looks more dweeby than any human has a right to, so maybe he's an alien from the planet Soppy. He's got an irritating grin and he ain't afraid to use it. Oh, and he's played by Marjoe Gortner, former child evangelist turned thespian and recording artist.

Dubbed dialogue is delivered with maximum enthusiasm and minimum skill. Despite being born in Windsor (where Mrs H.M.Queen lives), Ms Munro is dubbed from English into, er English, by the director's girlfriend, who seems to have originated a little further away from the birthplace of the English language.

The Bad Guy is called Zarth (definitely not Darth©). And there's a judge who resembles a silver scrotum with a face. And some stop-motion animated robots. Stella is captured and sentenced to working in a radium mine for life, while wearing standard prison garb (knee-length boots, a bikini and a light coating of oil). For some reason, the other, less attractive convicts wear more practical outfits.

After a bit of shooting, she is suddenly standing on a beach, with no clue given how she got there. A spaceship lands and she steps aboard, to find Thor, the police chief who originally arrested her. He's played by Robert Tessier, who you will recognise when you see him, as he's playing the standard-issue thug he usually plays, only this time he's painted green. His sidekick is a robot, whose accent very suddenly switches from neutral to broad Texan after about 10 minutes of the film. Reasons? You want reasons?

Stella is taken to see the Emperor. Oh Lordy, it really is Christopher Plummer! What went wrong, Chris? He informs Stella that Zarth (not Darth©), okay?) has devised a new and deadly weapon (definitely not the Death Star©) and that the galaxy needs saving from it. Oh, and his son is missing, so while you're killing Zarth, keep your eyes peeled for Emperor Junior. They are to look for the three escape pods (remember them?).

The name of the first planet visited sounds a bit like Arrakis (but is definitely not Dune©). They are attacked by bikini-clad Amazons on horseback. Cue attractive gals fighting while not wearing much. The robot comes to the rescue and we see some classic running-down-the-same-corridor action. Then they are somehow on the beach again, pursued by a stop-motion giant metal woman.

I'm not making this up.

Space battle time! After a few unconvincing explosions, Stella shouts "there's one more", before it cuts to a picture of three more enemy ships. Maths isn't her strong point.

Planet #2 is snowy (definitely not Hoth©), where the temperature apparently drops "thousands of degrees" at night. Thousands, eh? Thor betrays the mission and reports to not-Darth in the most telegraphed volte-face in cinematic history. Stella and EL (the robot) are stranded and freeze solid. Akton saves the day by killing Thor, but not before the latter delivers the line "no-one can withstand these deadly rays". That's just asking for a totally unexplained immunity to "deadly rays" on the part of his opponent, right? Yup. Stella is revived by some sort of cosmic microwave oven, without the need to peel back the film and stir halfway through. Akton reprises his soppy grin yet again.

Sample dialogue from Mister-not-Vader "By sunset, I'll be the new emperor! And I will be the master of the whole universe!"

Suddenly, Akton reveals he can see into the future as well as deflect lasers with his hands. These 'Deus ex Machina' moments are a regular occurrence in the film, suggesting that a lot of the plot was written while editing the footage.

On the way to planet #3, they are attacked by the lava lamp things again for a couple of minutes, but then they stop and disappear without explanation or apology.

Sample dialogue "time for a little robot chauvinism".

EL and Stella are attacked by cavemen. EL is smashed and Stella is taken captive. She is rescued by - GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! - just the real actual David Hasselhoff (pre-Knight Rider), wearing a silver monster mask that shoots purple rays at random angles from its eyes. He is Simon, the only survivor of the escape pod crash. Remember the escape pods? There will be a written test, by the way.

They are attacked by cavemen again. This time Akton saves then by using what is definitely not a lightsabre©. Honest, Mr Lucas, honest. They infiltrate not-Darth's lair, but are captured. Zarth does some impressive cloak-swishing, while filling in the good guys on all the important details of his eeeeeevil plan. He also laughs maniacally. He leaves them in the care of two stop-motion robots carrying cutlasses. Akton does the laser sword thing (really not a lightsabre©) but is injured, so The Mighty Hoff finishes off the second slow-moving robot.

Akton, it turns out, can withstand lasers, but a small cut to his upper arm renders him incapacitated and makes him disappear in a blaze of cheap SFX. But the planet is mined with nuclear bombs. Fear not; Emperor Plummer turns up and utters the deathless line "You know, my son, I wouldn't be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn't have a few powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!" Time stops, except for the good guys, and they do a runner before the planet blows up.

Oh, and The Hoff turns out to be the missing son of the Emperor. You saw that coming, right?

Time for the White Hats to strike back! The same three spaceships are repeatedly launched against a space backdrop that looks like a black wall studded with multicoloured Christmas tree lights. Probably for a very good reason. Zap guns go pew-pew-pew and random things go bang. Zarth emotes in a bad guy way, badly. Some of the henchmen point guns that appear to sport antlers. A window into space is smashed, with no apparent change in atmospheric pressure. D...Zarth shouts "KILL, KILL".

Sample dialogue from Zarth "I want to wipe out the Emperor from the whole of the Universe". Yes, he's arming the Doom Machine (which is in no way affiliated with Death Star Enterprises Inc©). EL the robot is resurrected, surprise surprise, just in time to help avert the impending victory of the baddies.

By the way, John Barry did the music for this. He must have been even more desperate than Christopher Plummer.

Stella and EL plan to crash a space city into the DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Machine. In other words, they go ram-raiding. Stella "we must leap through the very heart of the stars".

Sample dialogue from the final attack:
Elric (a henchman): My lord!
Zarth: What is it, Elric?
Elric: A floating spaceship is about to crash into us.
Zarth: Destroy the floating spaceship approaching us!

Just before impact, Stella and EL bail out and sort of swim through space, the Black Hat HQ is destroyed, many pieces of Lego blow up, Zarth dies while emoting, everything's good.

Emperor Plummer signs off with "Well, it's done. It's happened. The stars are... clear. The planets shine. We've won. Oh. Some dark force, no doubt, will show its... face once more. The wheel will always... turn; but for now it's calm. And for a little time, at least... we can rest." The man's a trouper. God bless him.

Oh, and watch the whole rank-smellin' delight here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hqcGK72XYQ

If anyone else plans to do the marathon, here's the site with all the logistics:
http://mst3k.com/events/turkeyday15/wheretowatch/